For Kevin

[forbettinger]

update.

super update. Everything's changed, my motive, my look, my feelings. This is definitely a pivotal moment in my life. turning 21 was probably life changing, just with who i can hangout with and what my opportunities are. I recently visited my dream school PLNU and it was breathe taking. I don't mind paying extra to go to a school like PLNU. The student to teacher ratio is low, the people worship and praise God just as I do, the campus is beautiful, they are truly my type of people. The administrator for business is amazing, and i feel like I have so much opportunity attending this school. I just need to finish some semesters up at Grossmont and ill be making my way over. At this point, id like to take my time taking classes because I don't want to take a class at a University when I know I can take it at Community College. Family is understanding more than ever, we get along now, and my friends will always be down. Theres nothing more I can ask for at this point, I feel like the universe/God is on my side. Im trying to improve my body so I can be a bottle service girl, and Ive never felt so comfortable with the way I look, and by eating healthy and going hard in the gym, seeing the results is super satisfying. I switched gyms to the 24 hour in balboa because the atmosphere is different and I love the equipment. Some of my tinder matches are there lol but we don't dare say hi to each other. haha I met someone recently, or a few, but one in particular, Peter. I didn't think anything of him bc he looks just like kevin, it sucks haha. The first night he took me out to soda and swine and i brought alyssa bc she got kicked out of her house, but she went on a date herself, then, we ended up talking for 5 hours there, unknowing of the time passing. After the date, he walked me to my car, and grabbed me and kissed me, after I said i don't kiss on the first date. Surprisingly, i liked it. He wanted to hangout once more, so he invited me to a day of hanging out. I went up to carload where he lives, and we went to the gym on the marine base. He's an officer in the marines and lives with a couple of roommates. We were going to shower really quick then head over to a lunch spot to eat. We took individual showers, but then we were intensely making out in our towels. I told him he was going to hate me, because I was on my period, but he didn't care. I was like ok ahah if you don't mind, then i won't. we ended up having sex 5 times that day. And one time I remember we were both cumming at the same time. Peter beats anyone i’ve had sex with. Maybe because he's 27 and experienced, but we couldn't stop, we were like bunnies! After all that, we went t eat at this super hipster place, and unfortunately I felt like a girlfriend again, it was bad, bc I don't want  one anytime soon. We ate, went to a bar, watched the patriots game and drank a beer, then went to the beach and fell asleep, then we went back to his room, watched a movie and has sex, then I left. I couldn't believe we spent from 10 am-7pm together. Peter got a degree in economics and traveled the world already, so he's well esblished, unlike me ): so it sucks that I know this won't last haha. But we enjoy each others company. I went to PB with him and his friends on a saturday and had matching costumes. He was Hugh Hefner and I was his bunny. We walked around and we couldn't stop touching each other, its baddddd. That night we had sex 6 times, and overtime he came. He must love love having sex with me haha we both are really good. Ive never had this happen before. The next day we got breakfast and went down the beach again and laid out cuddling, then went back to his room and watched an episode of new girl. I just can't believe the guy that has any potential to be someone to me, looks like my ex -_- what are the odds.

[forbettinger]

POST

after the break up, i was trying to rekindle what we once had, and after awhile of not talking, i fell in love with being alone. i love being able to live my life with no one expecting me to be who they want. Although I am happy and independent, i have already made mistakes :( its bad how many guys i date. but in my defense, they're not serious, so neither am i. Recently, I go on dates with nate, who is 26, has a BA in sociology and is in the military. He’s from New York and we always have something to talk about. During our date , I forgot where I parked my car, which led to us being lost for 45 minutes looking for it. He was extremely patient and helpful, nothing I've ever experienced. Too bad, I'm not serious about him. He really is a true gentleman. Then theres DJ, who is extremely consistent, is an engineer, 26, played college football at SDSU as a tight end. He graduated with a 3.8 gpa, and he always wants to text/facetime. He resides in LA, and i know it won't work out, but he's good company. I think I'm flattered at the fact he has a thing for asians. Then theres jordan, who on my birthday fell in love with a hug i gave him. I recently went on his boat, and I ended up finding so much about him. He graduated from UCLA and is currently an accountant, plot twist, he's 34.. Ive never gotten with an older man, he was really strange, but satisfyingly, were the same in a lot of ways. I had sex with him, and he fell in love with me, too bad ill never talk to him ever again. Then theres poor evan, the rebound. He recently got a car and lives down the street fro me. every night he wants to hangout and take me out, too bad i don't give him the time of day anymore. he's young, inexperienced and i feel like wed be great friends. Btw, the sex with evan is by far amazing, but that doesn't compensate for his personality. I am super excited for my future (; with this newly found perspective, i feel like i can accomplish anything! 

[forbettinger]

9-17-16

I never thought me and kevin would ever get to this point. He got off my phone plan and we don't talk. Last year he was in another country ,and we spoke everyday. I am an indecisive person. But i know that I brought us here for a reason. I have to commit to my worth because I am worth more than how I am treated. Something I want to remember is exactly a year ago I was going through school and barely talking to anymore. I was just waiting and refreshing my email. And this one memory I have, I will always cherish. Like something I’ll tell my kids one day. It was my 20th birthday, and my grandma greeted me, I made my birthday hidden on Facebook, and after a month of not seeing or hearing kevin’s voice, he called me at school. I was super late to my communications class, but I remember once he called me for the first time during deployment, I bawled. To have the love of your life, miles away, another country away, and for him to actually call me. That birthday present was priceless. It’ll be different this year as I turn 21, but I know, I know, I know in my heart, we will find happiness within ourselves. I’ve been through hell and back for me not to keep trying. All the bad luck I’m going through will turn around. I don't regret meeting kevin. He still to me is my guardian angel that helped me believe in myself, (although he put me down). I took his criticism and made myself something out of it. 9 people said happy birthday to me, out of the 900 friends on Facebook, 1,200 followers on instagram, 9 people, and not to mention my mom didn’t. I felt like a fucking fool, but knowing that kevin called me and i heard his voice, and felt his warmth, I didn't care if he was the only one to greet me. this memory is probably going to hurt me inside haha, but I’ll always remember kevin. I brought him in my life and I saw myself marrying him, now that that is unrealistic, I like to remember all the good and bad memories. I like to feel like it wasn’t a dream, like it all happened. 

[forbettinger]

Progress

I thought to myself today; I’m going to be a better me than i was yesterday. I said a lot of hurtful things to kevin (which i don't mean) but at the same time. I realized that once i prayed, i was crying immensely. I wanted help, I admitted my fault, and I asked for guidance, for stability, for peace within myself. I’ve neglected my religion, and i admitted it. Today, a lot of things reminded me of you, but as I went through the day I refrained from talking about it or texting/calling you about it. From here on out, I'm going to be typing my feelings out instead of disclosing this info to you or anybody else. It helps me. I was reminded of the littlest things of you today, and I want to say I'm so proud of myself for not doing something impulse or immature. I saw that God was blessing me. Comparing my last break up to this one, I made a lot of progress, only I would understand. I realized today that I was trying to fit myself into the vision you wanted. I wasn't content, I was discouraged, and I wasn't all that happy. I made myself feel that way. You were the most perfect person I’ve been with, and yet, it still didn't work out. That means Im not ready for this. Today I realized that my ambitions and goals are bigger than some toxic relationship. Im happy, humble, eager, and blessed. I am truly blessed to have my health, family, God, and friends willing to be with me, thought he good and bad. 

[forbettinger]

NUMB

i don't know how to feel. i don't know how to explain. i don't know how to go through this phase. Realizing that the one you love may not love you for who you are. I was raised in a different setting, different culture, different family structure. and kevin looks down on me for that. a part of me wants kevin because he shows he loves me, but when he criticizes me, instead of understanding me... it leads me to become angry. angry because he'd rather complain about who i am rather than accepting me for me. I've gotten mad at him overtime for it, the attitude, the tone of voice. kevin is the best and worst thing thats ever happened to me. 

[forbettinger]

.

from Kev to love to a white guy emoji to a blue heart to a . to nothing. The name that pops up on my screen is nothing. Ive felt so numb and alone. and I am now realizing I may not be in love with him. But I am in love with the thought of being in love. The love of your life should be intellectually curious about your life. They should be interested in what you have to say. I feel discouraged to listen to what i want, to talk about what I want to talk about. When you love someone, you shouldn't make them feel trapped. I feel trapped. I guess this proves that long distance doesn't work out. That there are no exceptions. they should show gratitude, appreciation, and most importantly love. Everybody has their own perception of love, but to me, love is no on or off switch. love is being able to talk to them daily without being annoyed or bothered. love isn't degrading one another. love isn't money, or lust. Im not with him for the sex and I'm definitely not with him for the money. I travel great distances and I spend a large amount of money. But he is my happiness. Sleeping in his arms is that much worth the $80 round trip, waking up 5 am and sleeping in the car. Love is driving 200 miles with a flat tire just so I can see him. Love is getting on a plane to meet with a person who's only been seen for a week, and enduring driving across the country. Love is accepting that he grew up differently. love is smelling the gross stench that withdrawals from his body, interestingly pleasuring. Love is holding the person when they're crying. Because they need the embrace. Love is listening to all the workout junk and work duties that I completely don't understand but smile in awe that he speaks of it so passionately. Love is not always reciprocated, and this I found to be true in my situation. How can i try 110% but still feel incomplete. hopeless. worthless. dramatic. Love is not reciprocated. 

[forbettinger]

The end

After 15 long distant months, i can feel the end of us is near. we barely want to see each other. we constantly fight and nag at each other (both at fault) and you hate the way my family is. its beginning to be repetitive and its become such a norm to fight, its almost predictable. at one point in my life you were my angel on earth, my handsome soulmate, my big teddy bear. and now it feels like you're my enemy, my sin, the monster under my bed. were not working out, and we both know it, were just at the point of being stuck. i just know that whatever happens with us, this has to be one the the most risk taking, roller coaster, adventure seeking, expedition I've ever taken in my life; with you kevin. I know theres a girl out there for you, that will put up with things i just couldn't handle. you've been in love before me, and so you'll be in love after me. that i do believe. you've learned me inside and out and I can honestly say you are probably the first person to care about me. genuinely. but once we close the chapter of our lives, you'll no longer be accountable for me, you'll no longer have to care for me, support me emotionally. because in order to detach ourselves, we must treat each other like total strangers of this earth, we have to pretend like we never met. thats the hardest part. you're my best friend, my love, my soul mate, my other half, my mirror. how do i just stop when i know thats what would be best for you? i need answers myself.. i don't know what I'm doing, and i don't know where to go. i pray to God he directs me in the path we should take. 

[forbettinger]

Del mar fair 7/4/15

[forbettinger]

Describes us and our personalities in 2 pictures (-:

[forbettinger]

The Struggle/Realization

After having this tumblr and taking about all the good things about our relationship on this blog, this is the beginning of the bad. It's always good to record the good & the bad of our relationship, just so you can compare to the then and now, and most importantly, come to a realization about what needs to change. We've been fighting a lot lately (more like every week) and I can't quite put my finger as to what we can do to change it. But as the girlfriend, I definitely need to change a lot about my "bad habits". I tend to to "break up" a lot. And to the opposite (you,baby,Nani) it may seem as if I'm may not love you as much as I say I do, or I'm just giving up. But coming from me, it's one of the habits I do best. I either say it because I feel unworthy, or I say it because I can't handle the load of bs. I infer breaking up to either encourage you to show me why I should stay and because I feel as if I had done wrong, and the only way to fix it is if we go our separate ways for a while. I think about it a lot actually. It's not ok. I never mean it. And I hope one day you don't take me seriously. I know it's pushing you away, and it hurts our relationship. You're not a talking toy that I can turn on and off whenever I want, and I know that. I'm so sorry if I have ever hurt you with those words, it's negligent. I'm so sorry baby. There's so much more, but I will never genuinely mean to break up with you. It's part of my insecurities, especially because we both have incredibly hot bodies that intrigue other people. I never want to be with anybody else, I hope you know that, and I hope I relinquish that "bad habit".

[forbettinger]

Here's a pic of me doing what I love most. Hobby est. 1995

[forbettinger]

April 27, 2015 AKA Your birthday 10:31 Pacific time

Here I am in California celebrating your 22nd birthday, sad as it is, it's never a right way to celebrate anybody's birthday without your lover. You're all the way in Virginia, yet we argue like we're standing right next to each other. Lol. Through out the day I kept telling everybody it's my boyfriends birthday, it seemed as if it were mine haha. i want you not to be happy to have had another year of growth, mentally, physically, emotionally. It's not who you spend it with, it's who you're proud to be. It's your day, and whether you're with your family, your friends, complete strangers, hobo's, only you can determine how your day goes. Because the only person that matters when it comes to your birthday isn't the people you're surrounded with, it's you. Law of attraction. When you think positive, positive outcome, when you think negative, negative outcome. But does it always apply? No. In this case your birthday was negative to positive negative positive. I was disappointed when you were sad on YOUR day. The only thing I can do is help you with the words I say. I use to think that spending my birthday with my friends was the coolest because they couldn't argue or say anything negative to you because it was your day. Your day of glory, day of appreciation. Then life continues, and you have less friends. In that case, I realized I need to stop letting people feed my ego and start embracing life, because you weren't out on this earth for your family, friends, or gizmo. It's because you have a purpose. So here's another year for you to fulfill your purpose.

[forbettinger]

April 19, 2015 12:29 Pacific time

My mind has been exhausted thinking about you, my life, your life, my life here, your life in the navy etc. if only being together we’re easy. I want to start my career already, with you, for us. There’s nothing in San Diego keeping me here besides the fact I’m financially supported by my family. Despite that, I want to be with you..everyday. I want to know and experience life with you, I want to know how you execute each day, by your side, in your arms. I want to grow fond of your interests and dislikes. If only I knew what it was like to wake up to you, or to sleep next to you. Little things like that ponder in my mind, makes me realize there’s so much more to life with you. Before I would just love day by day not knowing what’s going to happen, but with you, I know what I want to do with me life, and to know I have a trustworthy partner with me that makes it that more satisfying. I never want to get bored of you, I feel like our separate interesting lives make us more unique. I don’t want to lose that with you. I want to be with you no matter what, I just don’t know how to start :/ I don’t want to be in sd with out ya Hun. I never want to say “see you later” I love you dearly, I hope you know that.

[forbettinger]

My love

Lately we've been exchanging thoughts and feelings. Things we didn't know about each other, things in our lives that are brought up. I don't mind talking about your past and being okay with your past, because it makes you..you. I love who you are today, and who you will be tomorrow. I want to learn more and more about you, from how you live everyday, to how you execute problems in your life. I respect you and your ways, all I ask for is the same in return. The thing about me is, I care too much. I feel everything so deeply, that i end up giving all that I got with nothing in return. The reason why I hesitate to show emotions sometimes is the simple fact that reacting too suddenly can make me seem spiteful and shallow. I'm trying to avoid that for you. Well soon realize our weaknesses and strengths. Hopefully we stay humble with whatever we do in our lives, by each other's side or not. I will forever be faithful, no doubt about that. I just want you to understand me and get to know me before making any irrational decision, and I'll do that same. I love you Kevin Bettinger. Let's take the time to acknowledge out brilliant life, today, together.

[forbettinger]

For you

you're probably wondering why I made a personal blog that only you can access. This is just an easier way for me to send long deep, interesting messages without you hearing my annoying voice over the phone, or sending 20 scrambled messages. Hopefully you view this blog from time to time because I may or may not tell you i'm posting haha. So as an introduction, this is my very first excerpt for you kevin. As we fulfill our desire to be together, this is the only way I can voice my opinion, as thorough as possible. From time to time, I get nervous with what I say, or I'm hesitant to say things because it can either break us apart, or lead us to become closer. Writing is my forte, because I can take time into consideration on what I'm going to say, and I want you to cherish not only the moments we spend together, but what we say to eachother because connection is all we have right now. The connection we have is so intuitive that I agreed to commit to this long distance relationship (considering ive never done this). I feel that you accept me as a whole, and whatever secret or unknowing fact about me interests you, and you give me unconditional love in which I appreciate so so much. This is just the beginning, I swear to you, you wont regret it. As we perceive into this serendipity of a relationship, well grow fond of each other's imperfections and everything that makes us whole and human. I promise to make memories that will last a lifetime kevin, til the next blog, I love you ya goofball.