For Eag

Grief is a rollercoaster, with the highs of remembering good memories and the lows of the reality that you’re gone.

[foreag]

It’s been awhile since I’ve written, but it doesn’t mean I have thought about you. I still do. Every day.

Been spending time with S and M. It’s nice. Being in your environment. Cuddling M. I’m sure she misses you so much. I hope S is taking care of her how you’d like.

I was just reading some of our chats, and it hurts. The tears just flow. I miss our daily chats and texts. I miss my person. 😞

I knew how important you were to me and I tried so hard to let you know that. Because I knew how important you were to me, I feel tour absence in everything.

I miss you. So so much.

[foreag]

I didn’t realize how much I took “best friend”, just those two simple, for granted. I always worried that someone else might get their feelings hurt so I always preceded with “one of”. How stupid. I miss you best friend, every day.

[foreag]

I wish you were. I need you so much right now. I feel so lost without you. You were my North Star, my guiding light. Your mom said it perfectly “it’s just you. She isn’t coloring anything anymore. She had a way of spinning a phrase or looking always for the positive side”.

[foreag]

I had a dream this was all a hoax. An elaborate plan mastermind by you. It’s funny because you are absolutely smart and clever enough to do something like that. When I found out I sat on your bed and was just stunned. I have a vague recollection thinking you did it to get out of student loans. Lol. I was so mad at you but so relived.

But none of it was real. I saw you in the hospital. You are really gone. What a cruel dream.

[foreag]

It has been a really hard week. I’m thinking about you constantly. I’m actually writing this as I 💩. You’d laugh at that.

[foreag]

Going through more of your things. Found some stuff you wrote about me. You really loved me. I hope you know how much I loved you.

[foreag]

I got your urn from Scott. It’s even more beautiful than I thought. I think you’d be pleased with the one I picked out for everyone. We got one large one and four mini urns. It’s white, has love in script and a line drawing of a flying dove. You should have seen the others S was looking at. Lol. I bet you rolled your eyes.

[foreag]

We finished your puzzle. I’m going to frame it and put it in my office. This was one of those things that brought me comfort knowing you touched some of the pieces, but then equally made me sad because I never got to fully experience doing a puzzle with you. I miss your laugh and your quick wit and your annoyed face, which I would have def saw multiple times if we were to do a puzzle together. I miss you so much.

[foreag]

Missing your cooking.

Cookies.

All the desserts really.

Meatball bombs.

Mashed potatoes.

Missing eating at all the best restaurants with you.

[foreag]

At the beach house in the hot tub and you come out in your bathing suit holding a rain umbrella because you burn just looking at the sun.

When walked passed and waved your hand behind you. We totally called you out.

[foreag]

Everything that brings me comfort also makes me extremely sad. I know I’m not alone in this feeling, but yet again, I feel like it.

[foreag]

Nobody knows me like you. Nobody can bring people together like you. I feel so alone right now. At work and at home. It’s just not the same, without your light. I knew how important you were and I hope I did a good enough job telling you, but still you meant so much more. I really feel like a piece of myself is gone.

[foreag]

The last three days have been so rough. Everything makes me burst into tears. I wish you were here. This pandemic is so lonely without you.

[foreag]

I’m so angry right now. I hate work so much right now and I wish you were here to talk to. You were always the one who would understand, laugh at everyone’s stupidity, and talk me through it all. I miss you so much. It’s not fair. We had so much to accomplish. I love you.

[foreag]

I think about you constantly. But you know me, I shut down when I feel too much. I allow myself tiny minutes to think about you because the enormity or losing you is unbearable to think about for any longer than that. I miss you. I wish I could FaceTime you. Okay, I’ve reached my limit.

[zenwords]

“Grief is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”

— Jamie Anderson, via tinybuddhaofficial 

[narwhalertheimpaler]

This is the most accurate description I’ve ever found, thought it was worth spreading ❀

[foreag]

The ball was really big for me today.