It's weird today. I spent most of the day with a nervous stomach ache and watching dumb TikTok videos. I spent a little time cleaning. A little time playing guitar. A lot of time watching old YouTube videos of your band play live. I wasn't trying to, but the algorithm sucks and you showed up and so I watched them and I remembered all of the good parts of you. I remember the beginning feelings and the curiosity about you. I remembered the incredibly rough times, but mostly when you were struggling and I was there holding you. I remembered the times we didn't get to have because you were down and out and I gave in instead of standing up and I sat in the dark hole with you. I remembered the times where we didn't have anything to say and it was awkward and when I'd ask if you wanted to talk you were upset that we couldn't just "comfortably" sit in silence without it becoming a bigger conversation while yet at the same time wanting me to not sit in silence and talk about the energy instead of waiting it out. You were confusing. You were maybe confused? I was also. I think I still am. Because this morning I got off to thoughts of you, far before watching your videos from the past and I often still miss all of the parts, even for just a little bit.
I really want to know if you do too. I don't know why though, because there's nothing we can do about it. There's no going back, and there's no "you" in going forward. So we're just stuck here still, or at least I am.
It's dumb because you weren't comfortable to me. What I mean by that is you weren't someone I could just easily feel comfortable around. I couldn't just curl up into you. I felt like I had to be very careful and watch my step and my words around you, not to hit the wrong chord. Walking on eggshells or something like that. It wasn't all of the time, but it was a lot of the time. It was both of us but for different reasons, I'm sure. You're now one of those people I wonder about, if they can ever be truly happy, grateful, and content. I don't think you ever were with me, which is understandable because it was reciprocal.
I have so many thoughts about you.
It's Valentine's Day and last year I found something special to put on. It was the first time and last time I wore it and now it's just sitting shoved in the back of a drawer somewhere, unlikely to ever see the light of day again. It's strange how little things seemed so big at the time. It's weird to think about how no one has touched my body in almost 6 months and before then, I was on a roll. I'm not going to say it was the good kind, but whether it be in constant relationships or the in between's, there was always someone touching me and for the first time in my adult/legal life, my body is just all mine. I don't have to show it off for anyone. I don't have to play mind games to get in/out of and/or through physical situations. I don't have to explain to anyone that I don't want to be physical. I can just be and not even think about it.
Part of me wants to see you at the show later. Even stranger is that part of me wishes you'll be there with someone else. What the fuck even is that? Why would I want to see you with someone else? I wouldn't. I don't. Maybe I want that so I can have a reason to hate you or something like that. To be honest, no, it'd probably make me miss you more. I'd be pissed and missing you all at once. I don't know.
I wonder what you're doing tonight. You were never into holidays, besides the candy and complaining about family reaching out as a social obligation.
I bet you're just watching porn or something.
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