I’m am an angry person. Angry more at myself than anyone else. The heart of my anger is being naive and foolish. I feel so used and manipulated, but I let it happen. Funny thing is, karma is the bitch that never forgets. So it’s always been my belief, that i deserve being used and taken advantage of. That if I did the right thing then everything would work itself out and I would be able to find peace. Well I’m gonna be 25 next year so I think if that were the way the universe worked, it would’ve fucking happened.
And I’m pissed. I have had this mentality for so long and it’s lead me down a road of passivity I can no longer tolerate. I have endured, and watched my life play out in front of me in-between the moments when I actually have enough balls to speak.
My ex-girlfriend used to frustrate me because she would so easily let me know when she was unable to tolerate whatever situation we were in. I couldn’t understand how it was so “unbearable” for her, that she demanded change. And this was with everything; food not being right, temperature of the room, radio static, etc. and I’ll have to apologize to her if we ever speak again. I’ve come to realize that she shouldn’t have to tolerate it. She was fortunate enough to have her needs met as long as she had vocalized her needs. But to me that just was not normal, you suffered through the uncomfortable, you were appreciative for anything you received. You tolerate whatever pain to get through the day. I ignored my body completely. If I was cold, I could make my body think it wasn’t that bad. I don’t know if I’m hungry or not. I don’t really understand what a craving is. I don’t know how to listen to my body. I probably should make that a priority.
Right now I need to write. I know that much. This has been the hardest few months. I never imagined how quickly my life would feel like it was ending. In September, I was working two jobs and didn’t have many complaints other then not making much money. Now that we’re in February, my entire world has changed. I decided in December that I wanted things to change, and did not intend for it to be this dramatic and if it was not obvious I really don’t know how to feel about it.
Quitting one of those jobs was necessary for so many reasons. But quitting meant I was quitting what felt like family. I loved my coworkers and it hurt to leave them behind, but it was time. It was a fast food job, and there’s nothing wrong with working one. Coming home every night with the exhaustion that came with being abused by the general public had left me with thoughts of worthlessness. Adding that to my already unpredictable depression was something I had tolerated for too long. And my boss had unbelievably high expectations with little to no rewards for meeting them. I could have left better but I didn’t feel like I was allowed to leave. I didn’t feel like I was in charge of my own actions, I felt trapped. Leaving was bittersweet. I blocked my store’s number, I blocked my bosses. I had to. The owner of my store had been sending pages of text messages that were manipulative and horrible. He was talking about my friends and family at the store as if they were scum. So when moments ago I found out that my boss was with holding my W2 all of that frustration and anger flooded my body. And I realized karma only has so much power.
Karma is a bitch. It’s influence is apparent. But with my boss, instead of demanding the end pay I was promised, I let it go. Instead of turning him in for sexually harassment, I stayed silent. Instead of fucking him over in any way that I could, I didn’t. I didn’t want that energy, I wanted to move on. So hearing that he is purposefully trying to fuck me over months later is not going to affect me.
Karma will come for him, it won’t be me. But it will come. But I am not going to take this. He wants me to walk into his store, apologize, pay him, and walk out with me W2. And with all over the bullshit I’ve been going through, I can see my vulnerable ass doing it. I am a wreck and looking for someone to help me just get through this chaos because jesus fucking christ I just want to do my fucking taxes. But I refuse to see that man again. I refuse to let him manipulate me. I will be contacting the IRS and obtaining it through other means.
I do not deserve the bullshit he is putting me through. If he feels fucked over, good. He has hurt so many people that I care about and he does not have the power to hurt me.
annaxmalina
