Approximately four years ago was the start of my college life. I always feel like my high school life was ruined by a certain type of people who wants to be the center of the stage everywhere they walk. And I feel like the same type of people kinda ruined my college life too. Back then I had teachers to tell my stories to. In college I only had my high school friends. None of the lecturers seem to gave any fucks about my life. Kinda the same as high school. They only want to know about your homework and test scores.
Well, was it that bad? Exactly on the first day of college, I met someone who would later in my life become one of the most important figure of my life and I watched him turn into one of the most self-centered (I wouldn’t say him a backstabber, tho) person just like him and his friends. And if you think I wouldn’t think about his circle is filled with people like those, you’re wrong.
People are like onions. You’re just seeing how they are on the surface but the more you cut the onions deeper, you realize that they have sides that they don’t show to people. You start by knowing the very first layer and as you dive down, you know that person more and more until you get near to the center of it. You couldn’t hold the stench no more and you decided to pull out. Then you left. That’s friendship.
After high school, I thought I was going to be a totally new person. Fuck the old me I said. In reality, I slowly became my old self as time goes by. I couldn’t hold it but created the same aura around me that was my old me. The only difference is that I am more open to talking to anyone. I didn’t want to talk to a certain group of people back in high school. I feel like I didn’t have that mentality during college. Sure, I still avoided some people but I didn’t avoid everyone who belonged in that certain group.
At this point, I’m starting to question the purpose of college. Hell, the purpose of meeting and knowing people. What’s the point of it if we’re going to forget each other at the end of the day? College has been full of that. If I were to line up everyone that I met on college, I wouldn’t be surprised at myself if I couldn’t name, like, 70% of them. The thing about me is that I am always forgettable. And I’m not saying that so that my friends would appreciate me a bit more.
But I really did meet some cool people. The ones who take me seriously since the first moment we knew we were going to be friends for a long time. The names who would still occasionally light up my phone’s screen. The ones who would ask me to go karaoke with them. And the ones who taught me something which I needed to know.
Three years I wasted on high school and four years I wasted on college. When life goes past you fast, you may never know where you would end up. So let’s start to question this: in four years, where are you going to end up? In which part of life are you going to be? Are you going to be happy? Are you going to be broke? Will you have reached your dreams in time? Will you still be you or are you going to see someone else inside you in four years?
And the most important question that you must ask yourself is: how are you going to keep up with yourself? I always hear people saying Oh, life was better three years ago. Well, what did you do in three years’ time? Did you achieve anything? What did you win and lose in that time? The fact of the matter is that not everyone gets what you get. Instead of trying to act like everything isn’t what you want right now, why not try seeing as what you have is enough and that you don’t need anything more?
The thing about people is that they leave you for better people. Once they don’t need you anymore, you’re just going straight to the trash bin and blocked list. I wouldn’t say ruthless, but it is what it is. I’ve done similar things in my life. That’s why I never said that it’s not okay. It’s just human nature. It’s a cycle. And it starts and ends with hope. You hope that someone is good for you, that’s the start. The cycle ends with your hope crushed to pieces by your expectations.
Sad that I might never get my revenge.
Kids, let me tell you something. Don’t expect your college life to be happy. You’re going to be stressed. You’re going to be sad. You’re going to face a lot of drama. You’re going to be hurt mentally and physically. You’re going to blame the people that made you like that while in reality you’re just too much of a pussy to face reality. Don’t expect to get good grades straight away. College is not that easy. And this is coming from someone whose college is filled with drawing and making stupid movies.
I always hope for the worst. In that way, it’s impossible for me to be sad because I know what’s coming. It’s different than being negative, just so you know. One day, you’re gonna have a good day and it’s just going to get ruined by a simple overthink. Hope for the worst, for the best.
The memories still haunt me every now and then. Every time I read or hear or even think about that name, my bones shivers. I’m sick to the stomach and not just figuratively. It’s got to the phase where I’m physically sick. Why do I keep forcing myself to recall bad memories? Is it because I like it? Is it because I like the feeling of being sick?
I really want to think about something else.
Who would’ve thought I would go on and make music? Who would’ve thought I would be back in square one where I left high school? I keep asking these questions to myself just to know the fact that I have nothing but something. That little something is what keeps me alive. I achieved little to nothing, true. But the experience that I gained is more than the result I could’ve ever wanted. That may sound like nonsense, but the truth is, I like the experience that I gained from college. I get to meet different types of people. And there was a callback moment for me to kinda feel the difference between my high school (former) friends and my college acquaintances. Well let’s go back a few paragraph and let me say this: they’re all the same type of people.
Fuck life. Fuck everything. I just want to make music.
Yesterday, someone told me
Only fools do stupid things
Until a genius does the same thing
Not one, but
Everyone applauded that genius
Very same thing, they did
Even gave them prizes
Ran away, the fool did
“Couldn’t take it anymore”, the fool said
“As long as I live, I will be forever a fool
Respect, the thing I had never begged
End of my line is calling
Does anything matter anymore?”
And so the fool flew above
Brought their tears and sadness with them
Otherside called, wanted, begged for them to come
Unlimited happiness it provided
Timeless happiness it offered
Mistakenly, the fool was once fooled again
Enthusiastically, the fool accepted
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