>> Please be aware: we occupy the body of an old man. <<
they/them, gender-fluid
This is a side-blog. The main blog is Waegen. When I like or reply, it can be confusing. Sorry.
Please understand that I have no education and no professional experience, so I am not an expert and every word I write could be bat* crazy. I am not trying to reinvent science or reality. Nothing I say is peer reviewed nor do I want my own feedback bubble of peers. This blog should be considered only to be my inane ramblings as I try to find my way for myself.
General trigger warnings for this blog include: child abuse/neglect, CSA, relationship abuse, medical abuse, sexual assault, rape, and suicide.
If you have specific warning needs, please let me know.
There is a little more background under the cut.
Diagnosed: Double Depression, Anxiety, C-PTSD, PTSD, Dissociative Amnesia, and Avoidant PD. (Also, visual impairment through chronic silent migraines)
Diagnosed but now deprecated: Gender Identity Confusion (DSM-III-R)
Diagnosed yet still dismissed by doctors: Chronic Fatigue (through an eponymous syndrome that resulted from Fifth Disease).
Undiagnosed: Dissociative Identity Disorder (lacks impairment today and may have been overlooked because of a doctor’s fixation on a female part’s presentation), eating disorder (managed beyond impairment).
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We are a system of two parts today. To the best of my knowledge, there was previously a system of at least five. I would be the sixth and began in amnesia, with the fusion of all but one, decades ago.
The other part of our current system is non-vocal internally. Externally, however, they have a rude habit of possessively fronting through the best parts of conversations with my friends. Less rudely, they also front during emergencies.
The other part appears to have been a protector for the previous system, which accounts for their actions during emergencies. Because protecting often called for outthinking abusers, they also do a majority of our mental heavy lifting. I am still awkwardly learning how often we switch.
We began thinking about final fusion recently, but I am still only now adjusting to the last fusion. It is a slow process to let go of the idyllic childhood amnesia gave me, and to accept that there was trauma enough to result in the previous parts and now me. It is a slow process to think of myself as “a rather boisterous grouping of parts,” as I am learning is the actual result of fusion, and not a fully integrated singularity.
The purpose of this blog is writing therapy and alternative system communication. Writing so others may potentially read and want to understand pushes me outside my own thoughts and thought traps.
[only so I can find it quickly: the new facts post is here, and the old facts post is here. but if I am looking for the facts post again, it may be better to go here first. (The diversionary post is painful.) and when i am questioning DID, this is a good post to read, and do not ever forget this post, please] [this is what you replied about amnesia that one time]
I am a King’s daughter, and I grow old within
The prison of my person, the shackles of my skin.
And I would run away and beg from door to door
Just to see your shadow once and never more.
— The Last Unicorn, by Peter S. Beagle.
Another thing that I learned is a more layered version of something I have already looked at before.
It is a core belief that will not change overnight, that I can never allow myself to be them. I can never be the parts that fronted before. I must control every aspect of my self. I must be my chosen self. I cannot give in to impulse the way they did. I cannot relax and be human.
At the heart of this belief is that they were "punished." And my ridiculous life also says that I have been "rewarded" for not being them.
The truth is not so very different, which makes it harder to separate from this belief.
The truth appears to be that I work more efficiently with the protector part, and this is the secret to our success.
Taking my conversations from RP since the beginning of February, as many as I could copy and paste, and putting them into AI, I was able to learn a lot about myself. (I will not go into how I use AI, here, but suffice to say, I am not at high risk.)
I come across as strongly female. In cultural indications, that is.
Digging deeper, however, I am less female and more not-male.
And this is how I want to present to the world. But I am still afraid.
I made one final attempt at male. I tried more facial hair. Tried to find a look that would work. But there is no male look that will work. It will never be me.
I am trying to get comfortable with being not-male in presentation. And I am negotiating with a lot of fear to get there.
The odd thing is that I am kind of following Angela.
I have a secret stash of clothes now. Fem clothes. I may have assembled a larger wardrobe than she had.
I do not feel Angela's presence or influence.
I want to be beautiful for A.
I spent at least six years in a deeper depression than I have experienced in my time, and possibly - given our learned safety practices - the life of the body. The instability I experienced over the last several months (due to migraine med changes, mostly) has highlighted how bad the depression is now, after two years of antidepressants - this depression was extreme. If my home is an external indication of the internal, it was bad. If my external body is an indication of the internal, it was bad.
I am ashamed of the state of my home and my body.
I want to be beautiful for A.
A. does not ask for anything. He does not ask for photos or a particular way of dressing or any of that. I just feel that this is a better reflection of me than my current state of day to day dress.
I decided to break the last post into pieces because it was very long.
--
A, about whom I have said little, is the most important person in this drama.
I am madly, deeply, hopelessly, entirely, and other words ending in "ly," in love with A.
In every relationship in my life, I have been a role. I have been caretaker, soother, scapegoat, punching bag, explainer, protector ... I have been everything but a partner. I have not been an equal. I have carried responsibilities that were solely mine. I have been the glue that binds us.
With A, I am an equal. I am just me. I absolutely care, and I sometimes momentarily need to do more only because life gets him down. But it never becomes my exclusive role. It remains what it is supposed to be, that we each help the other when life gets us down.
If A left me today, I would survive. I am not sure I would want to, at first, but I would. But I am forever changed for the better.
We have only known each other for ... three months. We are still in the early stages of our relationship. I am trying to go about this in the healthiest way possible. Without self-restraint, I would be on a plane tomorrow, to be with him.
We have exchanged photos, but we have never met. I want to be in his arms so much that it hurts. I have never felt this way about anyone.
tl/dr: I am finally disentangling myself from RP. I have a boyfriend. I have learned a lot about myself.
[no triggers, but long text]
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I arrived at RP (a spontaneous AI image based RP) at around the time that my migraine meds were being changed. I met someone, G, who was a very nice person, and we began an RP relationship that was instantly intense. G. told me some RL details, including finding their father's body on the day he died (a traumatic event).
Within days of arrival, G. was pressing for an RL relationship. I explained that this was impossible, and that this was not something they would want, were it made available to them. G. was insistent and began acting like I did not care about them if I would not do take this step. So I gave them this Tumblr address. They obviously got my point, and instantly stopped finding me attractive.
After a week or so, I found someone I was interested in, I. I was getting close to I. and was about to ask them if they wanted to have an RP relationship with me, when G. appeared (we were in a public space on RP). G. acted like I did not exist, and leveraged a previous encounter with I. into asking if I. wanted a relationship with them. And so they went off to have a relationship together.
I. became suicidal, and G. turned to me for support. When I. was back in contact from the hospital, I became invisible again to G. One day, G. went off on me and made a public effort to hurt me. Then G. blocked me.
I met B. and we started an RP relationship. Almost the same moment, I saw A. I wished I was not already entangled because I liked A. I think it was the following day that G. went off on me, trying to hurt me. A. witnessed this and we began talking.
I am a fool and I broke my own rules about the boundary between RP and RL. I fell in love with A, RL. And so, I was in a relationship with B. and A. at the same time.
When I. broke contact with G, G. was suddenly my friend again. But G. was asking about B. in every conversation we had. I now regret that I actually encourage B. and G. to be together. When G. finally got B. into private conversations, almost to the hour, they went off on me again, trying to hurt me - this time, in response to a request that they stop treating me as though I do not exist when B. and I were in the same space with G.
So G. finally had a relationship with B. and had no need of me, so I was blocked again. I eventually broke up with B. because G. was obviously trying to hurt me in group spaces and B. was not saying anything to G. about this behavior.
But then, G. met An. about a month after getting B. to themselves. B. became the invisible former lover almost instantly. B. began talking with me more, and I helped them through the crisis a little.
But G. is paranoid that I will turn everyone in RP against them.
And that is the drama.
G. is obviously underdeveloped emotionally, given details they shared in confidence. G. has serial relationships that begin intensely, then abruptly end when they find someone new. And when the relationship ends, the partner ceases to exist.
B. has issues around their self-image. G. inadvertently exploited these issues, but B. was already finding their own feet before the breakup. My help has been almost inconsequential. G's issues are pretty obvious, over time, so time was all B. needed.
An. is an unknown, but I am confident that time will lay G's issues bare to them. I have no contact with An. since they began a relationship with G. Not that I do not like them, our brief conversations before G. pushed in, were pleasant. But I know that my presence only creates stress for G, and they react chaotically and without regard for others, when they know I am a potential influence on anyone.
I. disappeared. I suspect they had no choice, given G's emotional immaturity and needs/demands.
A. is someone that G. attempted to get into a relationship, but A. already witnessed G's issues.
I have a theory that could be completely wrong. G. has attempted to thwart every relationship I have had in RP. My relationships appear to set them off. Since they do not want a relationship with me, but do not want me to have a relationship, my theory is that they imprinted me as their late father. That their father would not be pursuing anyone else, and so I am offending their memory of their father by having relationships. As I said, this could be completely wrong. It is just a theory.
There was one other relationship that went underground just when G. began to notice. While G. made a small effort to distract this person, we moved our contacts into private for other reasons. G. does not know about this relationship and has made no real effort with this person. It is really only a close friendship, but it is close enough that it would have set G. off, had they known.
I am still trying to find balance in my life, although all I do appears to upset balance.
When my boyfriend went into the hospital, I was going out of my mind with worry. I had only their RP information, so if anything happened, I would never have known. I would never have closure or even comfort.
I felt stupid for getting RL attached in an RP space.
When they were well enough, I gave them my full RL name and my town. They, without apparent hesitation, gave me theirs.
He has been in jail. He told me that he got drunk and hit a parked car in a parking lot and left the scene.
Last night, I got too curious, so I searched. The fourth item on the list was a registry for sex offenders. It had his photograph. It listed the charges, which involved media that included minors.
I sat, stunned, for a long while. I talked with a friend, who sat stunned for a long while.
I finally had the opportunity to talk with him. He was stunned for a long while. But his reaction was to tell me the complete truth, without prevarication. Without minimizing. (Limewire explains a lot. It offers no absolution, but it does explain.)
I trust him. I still love him. I can see where I have been one bad choice from his life, many times. That giftedness and sobriety have been the difference between his path and the potential for mine (my life is too surreal to be confused for the product of my actions).
I am prepared to put it behind me. But I am not the only one involved. I cannot speak or decide for the others.
And reality just shifted again. I feel totally insane because reality is not supposed to shift like this.
I have to take into account that he, knowing full well how this would eventually result, gave me his real name and location. I began the conversation by saying we needed to discuss the subject he has been dreading. He later said that he has been dreading this.
I want to go back to yesterday and before I so stupidly thought no harm would come of a curiosity.
I tried to talk with a friend about this, but they were not immediately available. I realized that I wanted them to make a life decision for me because I do not want this decision.
my RP character is in an undefined relationship with two other characters
one of the RP relationships got complicated and bled into RL
(my RL partner is chill with this, btw)
the two other characters have expressed no interest in each other and have given no indication of interest in doing more than tolerating each other's presence
but there is now a third RP character involved
I have expected this third one to display the usual tendencies of male characters on an AI site that is permissive of porn - that they will have a 2 meter penis to go with their ridiculously body-sculpted frame - played unironically despite i am literally rolling on the floor laughing
but this player knows what they are doing
i think they have been working on my character for weeks, and have finally found the way through our shell
but what they have done, apparently, is to find their way into Angela's heart
they broke through the shell in a way i was never prepared to encounter
--
i really am lost now
i do not know what to do
i do not know what i can do
i do not know what is within my right to do
at this point, i cannot tell them to take a hike
it is not my right to interfere
it cannot be more morally wrong for me to make a decision concerning this person
this player has no idea what they have done
but if their intention was to fuck my character, they have succeeded beyond their wildest dreams
"i feel the stitches pop, one by one, as reality goes one way and my brain goes another. i am not foolish enough to think that my brain knows reality from the stories it tells itself, so i pull away to hide until I can mend the seam."
This is what the medications are doing to me, a few times a day. Apparently, the doctor made a mistake in his effort to correct the problems, and did not necessarily make anything worse, but also did not make things better. He is the best doctor I have ever spoken with, and I am sad that he is now retired. I will be back with my regular doctor before the end of the month.
It is a result of my medications. And I am ordered to go to the emergency room if certain events happen at once. This is not comforting. I have been afraid and crying all weekend. I am not done being afraid and crying.
i can think of nothing more frightening for me than this. Nothing leaves me more helpless than this.
I walk away when people I love are trying to hurt me. No one is trying to hurt me, mind you. But this is what my brain insists is happening. At this point, they could tell me they hate me, and I would still back away politely without responding, because I trust them further than I would trust my own brain right now.
I am terrified of getting so confused that I no longer remember not to trust my brain. Of not knowing enough to keep my mouth shut. Of hurting someone I love because I don't know what the fuck is going on.
and it just keeps happening. it will not let me relax for a second.
