Adventures in Parenting

Trying to be good parents in a difficult system.

[moosepower]

I got to have my first MRI it was not fun my back hurts

thank you for listening

[moosepower]

A friend of mine met with the pope.

Like.

WHAT?

I spent a lot of time on my dog walk yesterday thinking that some of us are out here walking the dog in crocs we found on the curb (do people leave shit on the curb where you live? Just, like, set it out for someone to take if they’re interested?) and some of us are bringing shawls from our ancestral Pakistan and sitting down with the pople

At one point years and years and years ago my friend Tarikh said something like “I think we’re closer to the levers of power than they want us to think.” and everytime someone I actually know pulls a stunt like sitting down with Pope Leo XIV to talk about AI and the future of Humanity, I think about that.

[armengoldira]

[anonymoustypewriter]

That's the fucking whoville Christmas band contraption that drove the grinch to madness

[wanderingweatherwax]

How it feels trying to get a perfect picture from the back of a tandem bike.

[moosepower]

I am wholly free associating because these guys aren't even LARPing, they're a different kind of neo victorian cyberpunk.

However.

My teenager is constantly talking about LARPing but what he means is pretending to be rich and there's a strong overlap with the idea that you should "fake it till you make it" except that for him what that means is spend all your money on a watch so you look rich. And I cannot stop deconstructing this because it is so complex and bizarre, the way he's approaching this.

He told me he needs a $300 Swatch so he can LARP.

Which prompted me to tell him that when I was a kid my grandmother had opinions about the word "gay" being "coopted" by "the homosexual movement" and I'll confess that i was a bit under prepared for the conversation but he was flummoxed by the concept that once upon a time many people were called "gay" because they were fun and happy and there was no SOGIE connotation whatsoever.

[boomer-mythology-destroyer]

[anyshapebutsquare]

Give me all forms of dumpling.

[moosepower]

Patelitos, Pasties, Samosas, Empanadas are not dumplings.

If chimaki are, then so are tamales, but I don't buy that.

[moosepower]

We're doing a workshop at work on "Trust and Collaboration" with a facilitator that the CEO brought in. When I asked about it, my boss said I just needed to show up. I asked if there were specific problems he is hoping to solve with this workshop and he said "I just think it is important."

The workshop is "confidential" and also recorded. The intro starts with the importance of being vulnerable and taking risks. In a recorded Zoom.

It is three hours long with a ten minute break.

[moosepower]

There's a thing that keeps happening where I know I'm being manipulated but I can't figure out how to respond and I'm bizarrely confused and I swear I feel like I'm raising someone who could turn out to be a real asshole of a partner.

For example: he rolled in super stoned and half an hour late on Monday. I said hello and he said "will you make me a pupusa?" I want to feed him. I want him to eat. But I was on my way out to the studio to do something I wanted to work on. He'd already gone out to dinner with his mentor. I said "sorry, I was on my way out to the back." He said "please?" while lying on his bed. I said "you can totally make yourself one, but I'm going to keep doing what I was doing."

And then I headed out and turned around and turned on the skillet. I don't even know why. I didn't want to, I don't want to coddle him when he's high, I don't want to cook for him after I made and ate dinner and N cleaned the kitchen. But I want him to eat. So I did. And I felt really not good about it.

For example: yesterday he called to ask if I was home. I had already told him I couldn't drive him to work because I was going to be out. I was out. I said I was planning to get home to pick him up from work but hadn't planned to be home earlier than that. He said "oh" and hung up. He called again an hour later and asked if I was on my way. I wasn't. But I did scoot home then. He'd been sitting on the porch. He didn't go to work because he was too hungry and then he just sat on the porch waiting for me. I did feel bad about that, but he never said "hey, I think I'm too hungry to go to work" -- I would have had him meet me where I was (super close to his school) and gotten him a snack. But I felt bad. So that's the scene.

He made himself a tray of nachos. He complained that we have no cumin for the beans and I pointed out that last time I went to use cumin there was none but someone had put the empty jar back in the cupboard instead of putting it on the shopping list. He allowed as how that might have been him. That's just more scene.

He was eating his nachos while N and I prepared dinner. N was making our dinner and I was prepping tomorrow's. (Side note, it was very pleasant and I was very content and I decided to stay and cook with my husband instead of going to the dance class I'd been planning to go to. I'm proud of that.) Still just scene.

But there's a clatter and he says "can you bring me a paper towel?" I say, "you can come grab one" and he says "whatever, I'll deal with it when I'm done eating." and instead of letting him, I just went and cleaned it up. He was perfectly capable.

[moosepower]

A motto I'm adding to my list: if you feel like you're being manipulated you probably are.

[moosepower]

His parent did finally respond with a rant about how I better not punish him because he didn't tell her the address.

I thought long and hard before I even told him she sent the cops here. He's never understood why we didn't want to deal with her directly, but he's starting to get it.

[moosepower]

I have his parent's emails going to a special address so I don't get caught up in the nonsense. I try to check it once a week and it is about time to schedule a visit. But they emailed on the 7th, and the 10th. And then on the 15th they said this:

if I do not hear from you within the next 48 hrs i will assure you of one thing. I will be part in front of your residence. You are breaking a court order here. And I want to know what's up with my son. I know where you live. You live at {address}, don't don't push it. Like, I said, if I don't hear from you within the next 48 hours, I will be coming over there to make sure that my son is still alive.  So you can count on that and I will be reporting to the courts as well

And then Friday night (so much for waiting 48 hours) the cops show up saying his parent requested a welfare check. I did check the inbox and reply that I'd been away from my computer.

And then I had the mediator reach out about scheduling. Parent has not responded to either of us since Sunday. On the upside, this is not even making ripples in my overall emotional health. I know they're not well. And I know that I'm doing my best.

There is no court order. There's a non-binding rider to the adoption agreement.

[moosepower]

It is 9 PM. She still hasn't responded to me or the mediator about the visit. Like ... first you send the cops to our house because we didn't answer you and then you don't answer us?

[moosepower]

I have his parent's emails going to a special address so I don't get caught up in the nonsense. I try to check it once a week and it is about time to schedule a visit. But they emailed on the 7th, and the 10th. And then on the 15th they said this:

if I do not hear from you within the next 48 hrs i will assure you of one thing. I will be part in front of your residence. You are breaking a court order here. And I want to know what's up with my son. I know where you live. You live at {address}, don't don't push it. Like, I said, if I don't hear from you within the next 48 hours, I will be coming over there to make sure that my son is still alive.  So you can count on that and I will be reporting to the courts as well

And then Friday night (so much for waiting 48 hours) the cops show up saying his parent requested a welfare check. I did check the inbox and reply that I'd been away from my computer.

And then I had the mediator reach out about scheduling. Parent has not responded to either of us since Sunday. On the upside, this is not even making ripples in my overall emotional health. I know they're not well. And I know that I'm doing my best.

There is no court order. There's a non-binding rider to the adoption agreement.

[moosepower]

I have to remember that sometimes things are great with this kid. Just, not all time.

Sunday he was at least two miles away at 9PM, when he’s supposed to be home. I buzzed his phone and he sent an apologetic text and said he’d come straight home. At 10 he was at the bus stop two blocks from where he’d been at 9. I didn’t check the bus schedule so it is possible he was waiting that whole time. He got home at 10:45. He couldn’t rally to get to school until ~3rd period.

Monday he was working afterschool and got home at 9:30. He hadn’t eaten b/c there was a misunderstanding at work. Tuesday morning was able to rally for school by 3rd period again.

Last night he texted that he didn’t need a ride home from work. I was out and my husband just let him. He took the bus to the park and got stoned. I come home at 9:05 and he’s still out. He gets home stoned and stumbles to bed without brushing his teeth.

School started 15 minutes ago. He’s still in bed. I just screamed at him and he called me a Karen, so that was great.

I don’t even know what to do with this situation. He’s turning 17 in a few weeks. Where does this end? It’s ridiculous.

[moosepower]

I do feel like I'm getting better at this. Last night we were able to have a conversation about him taking responsibility for getting himself to school and not being an asshole to us in the morning.

[animentality]

[bumblebeerror]

Credit card companies will TRY to saddle you with this kind of debt by the way - if ever a loved one dies and you are not co-signed on their credit card, do NOT agree to pay their debt unless you ask a lawyer first if you truly have to.

They will say “don’t you want them to go to the grave without debt”, they will try to guilt you, they will take advantage of your vulnerability.

Source: when my father died, he had some credit cards that my mom wasn’t on that she had no access to. The companies contacted her while she was sorting through the bills and getting a handle on how to run the house alone, badgering her with his credit card debt.

She wasn’t liable for any of it, but if she had ever agreed to pay before finding out that she didn’t need to, she would have been considered to have taken on his debt and would have HAD to pay it. It’s slimy, it’s predatory, and it’s entirely legal for them to do this.

Never accept the credit card company’s word about your obligation to pay anyone else’s debt, if you don’t have access to the card, ask a lawyer before agreeing to anything.

[moosepower]

When my uncle was in the hospital after his last stroke, when we knew that the best case recovery scenario was a nursing home, the hospital kept trying to get my dad to sign documents without reading them. Just like "oh, I know, it's a lot of legalese, but it just says you're responsible for making medical decisions and stuff"

The "and stuff" definitely included taking responsibility for his bills. They also wanted to discharge him to us, which ... no one had the capacity to provide the round the clock care that he needed.

My dad argued with them and refused to sign and that was the right thing to do. Never sign hospital paperwork without reading it.

[moosepower]

And then I come here for validation. Please, someone tell me that I’m being reasonable? That it isn’t crazy to yell at your kid if he’s coming home stoned on a school night, well after curfew and then not going to school in the morning.

I even have some kind of empathy. School sucks. I know he hates school. But he refused to consider any alternatives to the school he’s at so I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here.

[moosepower]

I have to remember that sometimes things are great with this kid. Just, not all time.

Sunday he was at least two miles away at 9PM, when he’s supposed to be home. I buzzed his phone and he sent an apologetic text and said he’d come straight home. At 10 he was at the bus stop two blocks from where he’d been at 9. I didn’t check the bus schedule so it is possible he was waiting that whole time. He got home at 10:45. He couldn’t rally to get to school until ~3rd period.

Monday he was working afterschool and got home at 9:30. He hadn’t eaten b/c there was a misunderstanding at work. Tuesday morning was able to rally for school by 3rd period again.

Last night he texted that he didn’t need a ride home from work. I was out and my husband just let him. He took the bus to the park and got stoned. I come home at 9:05 and he’s still out. He gets home stoned and stumbles to bed without brushing his teeth.

School started 15 minutes ago. He’s still in bed. I just screamed at him and he called me a Karen, so that was great.

I don’t even know what to do with this situation. He’s turning 17 in a few weeks. Where does this end? It’s ridiculous.

[kissed1996]

If you had to sing a child to sleep RIGHT NOW what would you sing and it CANT BE a lullaby it has to be a regular song

[anexperimentallife]

I still sometimes sing my daughter to sleep with Walkin' After Midnight

[on-the-precipice]

Ooh that’s a good one. I sing Frère Jacques. Badly.

[peaceloveandfostercare]

I’ve been singing my daughter Halo by Beyoncé since the moment I met her. And she’s a lil bit named after it. I can cry every time if I allow myself 😮‍💨

[meowlizziemixer]

When the Stars Go Blue and There's No Place That Far.

[moosepower]

When Otter first showed up, that first night, his sister Moose came into our bedroom and said "excuse me, miss, my brother is crying" and thinking about it now I wonder if she was told she had to do that when they were in the shelter?

I didn't know them yet, so I didn't know that it was strange that she didn't just take care of him. She mostly protected him.

But I couldn't think of anything and do I started singing a capoeira song. But softly.

[moosepower]

Work is just so weird. Talked to my colleague who I thought I got along fine with. We're both going to be at a conference this week.

Her: So I'm getting in Thursday and I have dinner plans and the {etc};

Me: Cool. Sounds good. Who are you having dinner with?

Her: Oh, just a member, possibly another potential member as well.

Me: Sorry, I wasn't trying to be nosy.

But like WHY? Why not just fucking tell me? I know I don't need to go straight to "Obviously this is because you're colluding with the CEO to force me out and you want to actively exclude me from any knowledge." But honestly that's where I go.

I keep thinking I can stick this out for a bit and find my footing but it's just so damn weird.

[livelovelaugh-777]

[moosepower]

I had a conversation last fall with a newish mom friend who said to me, "Well, to be honest if I had a career I don't think I'd still be with my husband."

And that just lives rent free in my head.