@themechaneer : “You know—- unless you tell me about it, I don’t think I’m ever gonna understand this part of you. I don’t need to know if it’s something you don’t want me to, and it doesn’t happen nearly as often as it did when we first met. But sometimes you react like you expect me to laugh at you, your words, how you feel, like they’re a joke or somewhere in your life you got used to people treating them like they are. Like you’re convinced you’re never gonna be enough, or that you aren’t extraordinary just as you are. Like you need to go out of your way to prove yourself. I don’t know who or what taught you to feel like that but I hope I’ve never done anything to reinforce it or that you’d tell me if I somehow had…
I don’t know if you know, or if I’ve somehow been too subtle about it but I do care about you Lance. I have since night one when we first met, and regardless of how different we view family I do consider you a part of mine. You don’t need to fight for it. I just figured I’d tell you, since sometime—-, sometimes you act like you don’t know that.”
💸 ║ ❛ ————— Oh, there it is again, the SENTIMENTAL talk. As much as Lance would love to participate in this conversation, it’s nothing that comes so easily. The way he feels, his situations, his mind and emotions, those are things that never interested anyone that much. So he never had to actually talk about it. Lance doesn’t care about it that much, or at least he tells himself that. Over all these years he’s spent on this earth now he’s CONVINCED that there are more things to hate about him than to love. No one ever put any effort in showing him the opposite. Well, except for JOEL. He always seems to see things differently. In Lance’s opinion, he maybe sees things that aren’t there. Lance doesn’t wanna be MISTAKEN for a kicked puppy no one ever loved. He’s the big dog that eats other dogs. No shame.
Those are just thoughts though. Deep inside he KNOWS that even he craves a little bit more love. And Joel happens to be there, as if he knew when to catch Lance at his lowest. Not that he’s supporting his actions or ignores the fact that Lance’s morals are non-existent. But Joel doesn’t immediately tries to take CONTROL over everything problematic Lance says and does, giving him an actual chance to redeem what’s redeemable instead of telling him all the things that are wrong with him. As if he doesn’t already know that.
Carefully Lance listens to Joel’s words, not even thinking about interrupting him one second. Joel’s words are quite PRECIOUS. And it’s not only the words he says, it’s the whole package of how he says them and the gentle way he tries to make people understand his thoughts. He’s not being pushy, nor acting like a therapist. But whatever he says, it makes Lance feel BETTER. Surely it also has to do with his feelings towards him. Hearing things like I do care about you can be quite healing for the soul.
❝ Yeah, I get you. I know you care about me, I don’t doubt that. Don’t know what to tell you though. ❞ he shrugs, being as HONEST as his ego allows it. And the truth is, he really can’t say anything to that. He wants to, but sometimes it feels like his mind just stops processing. There are no words for it and he’s afraid Joel will take it the wrong way one day. Because it’s not disinterest and it’s not about not wanting him to know what’s going on. But most of the time, Lance doesn’t even know what’s going on either when he reacts like that. It’s something like a DEFENSE MECHANISM that activates completely out of his control.
❝ It’s just my head, my thoughts and all. Something ain’t right with it, you know ? ❞ Another shrug follows as his gaze drops down to his own hands. Lance has noticed now that he’s put himself into an uncomfortable position. He feels bad for Joel, genuinely. Something his mind doesn’t usually allows. There’s no other way out of this but to escape the conversation.
❝ I still got some things to do at the nightclub, I gotta run. But I’ll be home tonight so we can have dinner together. Hasta luego, cariño. ❞