This is something that comes up in self-healing journeys that I think isn't acknowledged enough.
A major part of self-improvement comes face to face and toe to toe with grieving. Grieving opportunities you've lost, relationships that have failed, friends you used to rely on, etc.
For me, personally, I grieve the community I helped build. I used to be a volunteer in a leadership position at a large convention. I ran a department that, when I first started in my mid-teens, was me and one or two other people. By 16, I was the equivalent of an assistant manager for the department, and by 18, I was heading the whole department on my own. Under my leadership, we went from 2 or 3 members to 26 members under me. We were a team. We were all united in our passion for what we were volunteering to do for the event, and it felt like a family.
I still hold dearly onto my last Christmas event with all of them. We all sat and played games for hours. We laughed and joked. We talked about our future plans as a group. It was the happiest I had ever been. It was the safest I had ever felt. Near the end of the night, everyone insisted I sit down in the middle of everyone and close my eyes. I heard them all whispering and laughing and I got nervous when I heard them place something in front of me. Was this some kind of prank? It wouldn't be the first time I had been tricked in a group setting, so I braced for impact. I was told to open my eyes, and I did...only to find a massive gift basket in front of me. My volunteers had all banded together and bought me a Nintendo Switch, some blankets, and some baking tools. I hadn't asked any of them for a gift; they had all opted to and made a point to do it to express thanks. I cried so many tears of joy that day, and I thanked the universe for letting me have the opportunity to create such a safe space for myself and others.
6 months later, I was removed from my position. Someone I had looked to as a mentor and mother figure admitted to my face that she had organized it by setting me up to look incompetent to the owners of the convention. She told me she didn't like that I had a stronger bond with the other volunteers than her. She told me that, when I was younger, she thought she could mold me into the perfect "team player" who would "play my part without stepping out of line". She told me that she "wasn't happy with how I turned out". She even looked me in the eyes and told me that no one would ever believe me if I tried to expose what she had done before removing any and all ways I had to contact any of my volunteers to tell them what had happened to me. The few I've happened to come across have told me they left after I "stepped down" since it wasn't the same without me. Apparently, I had "decided to step down due to differing opinions about where our department was heading". At least, that's what the new leadership my 'mentor' had handpicked to replace me had told everyone.
I felt gutted. I lost enough hair to get diagnosed with alopecia areata. I gained 25 pounds due to stress eating. I had the worst acne of my life. And I cried nightly. I felt like I had lost everything. When I talked to other people...they didn't seem to fully get it. "It was just a position at some convention," they'd say. "Maybe it's for the best that you were removed if you're getting this hysterical about it."
I'm lucky that I have my therapist, because it put it all into perspective for me. I was grieving. I had lost a safe space. I had lost a passion project that I dedicated over 7 years to. I had lost many friends who had no way or idea of how to contact me. I was grieving something that hadn't technically died.
One thing I've learned in my journey to self-acceptance and self-improvement is that one of the first steps is grief. You have to grieve the ghosts of things that haven't passed away and the potential those things had. You have to grieve the ideas and expectations you had for them and for your future. It's a slow, non-linear process. Some days, you'll feel that grief bubble up even though it's been years since it's happened. I mean, this month is the 2-year anniversary of me losing that position and it hit me like a freight train as I was sitting and working on a custom order for a customer.
And that's okay. I'll acknowledge that grief and accept it. A part of me is still grieving. A part of me will probably always be grieving that loss...but after I acknowledge and accept that part of myself, I think of where I am now. I'm a successful business owner with a strong support system, friends across the US, multiple successful social media pages (by my own standards), and I love myself. I used to struggle to get out of bed and with basic hygiene. I struggled to eat. I struggled to get dressed. Now, I have self-discipline and structure. I take care of myself in ways that past me wouldn't have been able to conceptualize.
And once I think of all that...I feel grateful it happened. I feel grateful for every moment I got with those people and in that safe space. I feel grateful for the leadership skills it taught me and the confidence it instilled in me, even if that's what led to a lot of pain. I'm grateful that it happened how it did and when it did because it left me in the right place at the right time to seize opportunities made for me. I think Francis Ward Weller summarizes it pretty well.
"The work of a mature person is to carry grief in one hand and gratitude in the other and to be stretched large by them. How much sorrow can I hold? That's how much gratitude I can give. If I carry only grief, I'll bend toward cynicism and despair. If I have only gratitude, I'll become saccharine and won't develop much compassion for other people's suffering. Grief keeps the heart soft and fluid, which helps make compassion possible."
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