Underdevelopment

Aspiring writer of many worlds. Trying to live life and figure out my shit.

[frenchfrywithatwist]

Pink Yellow Cake

I don’t hold a grudge over you. At least not anymore. Constant misdirection left me spinning on emotional maps, trying to find where we ended and how to start again. Like leaves falling from treetops and covering the path to your footprints. I was confused.

I was lost. But you always held the light and never made a sound. It wasn’t easy but when I catch a small glow from your wick, I franticly run through your forest. Unable to close the distance between us.

I walk aimlessly, learning the nature that grows and listening to the soft song of my surroundings. I have fought predators and found tranquility. Your glow grows further away yet I accept my destiny.

In desperation I chase your dim light during a full moon. Closing our gap until I reach you. The first time in years I have seen your face, painted red with black lines dressed across it. I recognized the tribe from her markings. I realized it wasn’t her fire.

[frenchfrywithatwist]

I can write novels of stories where we end smiling and laughing with tears in our eyes. I have photo albums of memories we shared with laughter and happiness. I have my heart that used to feel your love. However, I don’t know who you are. I feel angry to see who you became.

I can’t wrap my head around how you have let some stranger come into your life and change you into someone I don’t recognize. I hate how you’ve treated me, I hate how you take my silence as a way to treat others just as shitty. I hate the awkward positions you’ve put me in, I hate the moments I’ve had to bite my tongue to avoid fighting with you and letting situations get worse. I hate that I can’t talk to you without you blowing up or shutting me out of your life. And perhaps I don’t know the whole story, perhaps I’m not around but I have eyes for myself. I have a brain that can process what happens. I’m not a small girl anymore who has no voice to speak out, so I’m done staying quiet.

I can only speak on my experiences and I have seen a share full of horrible things, and I don’t understand how you can act so blind. You can’t love someone who you tolerate. Love is not toleration. Love is complete acceptance.

[frenchfrywithatwist]

You bring me everything.

Pain, anger and sorrow.

Nothing left to borrow, an empty cup sums it up.

Whistling in the breeze, you don't even see me.

How hard I stayed on like leaf in autumn.

It’s hard for a careless heart when everything is honest.

Open doors like threats, and nothing but empty promises.

You should’ve kept your mouth shut over all the topics.

Instead of heating up and going to the tropics.

Had a lot to say in the past, mostly all stayed behind my back.

it hurt worse, when you looked in my eyes and said you didn't say that.

Easy when the lights aren’t on you, how easy it is to fly through. 

Without a single scratch, but when I say something you throw it back.

Like a sling shot, you shoot me down and you don't stop.

Those are fighting words, oh how you grew the courage.

To hide in shadows filled with doubt.

Then judge me over word of mouth.

Crazy how you turned, quickly.

Had me feeling like you were someone different.

Now I hang you up like a dirty hat.

Never to be touched or to wear again. 

[frenchfrywithatwist]

Traveling deep inside my mind, might need a flashlight.

Darker than the world, just look inside for a focus.

It’s hard when its pressured, always feeling like you’re unsure.

Questioning every moment, but you don't because you know it.

It’s writings on the wall, here let me show you.

When you play a rough game, they gain too.

Little did you know what it would come to.

A lonely sidewalk with nothing to lose.

A moment so sad, they look down on you.

So hold your trophy high.

Here’s to being the worst guy.

One who walked out and never said why.

A family with no guide.

Sad to say, the story stayed the same.

You left with nothing to pay.

Broken love and heart breaks.

That’s the game you played. 

[frenchfrywithatwist]

Wishing for the presence of a ghost.

Words like sugar cubes will dissolve in liquid.

Foundation strong as twigs and twine.

These are the presents you’ve gifted me.

A flickering flame in a blizzard.

Light of your words are merely an illusion.

Learning through punctured promises.

You were the rose with withering pedals and strong thorns.

I was the little girl admiring a dying rose.

[frenchfrywithatwist]

You move like satin.

Elegant and effortless.

You drown me in my thoughts.

Always a smile.

[frenchfrywithatwist]

Your smile is engrave in my thoughts.

The way your hands always illuminated your essence.

Every second of laughter shared between us was pure ecstasy.

Any punishment that came was worth the sound of your voice.

Written words that never erase.

You held my interest like a tune.

I’ve longed to hear your song.

Time has no space for us.

So you must live in my memories.

Here lies what could’ve been.

[frenchfrywithatwist]

You have engulfed me with every stroke

Your eyes paint the walls inside my mind

Forever imprinted like fossils

You know not of my pain

Nothing of me, yet you stay dancing in my thoughts

Wanting to wash away like footprints on a shore

I am forever chained to my punishment

Watching a beautiful butterfly flutter

Knowing I can never catch it

[frenchfrywithatwist]

How do I rip the heart of someone I love? When do I let the fire inside me melt the ice frozen on my heart? When I stare in the eyes of danger, do I go or fear it? So much uncertainty that lives in my mind. The fear of letting go and the change of the winds. Could I make the worst decision of my life or do I grow from it? Will I be on my death bed calling your name or will I take my own breath.

[frenchfrywithatwist]

Beyond a shadow of a doubt, I have become alone. Again. I don’t speak about the storm inside me, because what is the point? I have reached a tug of war of who I am and who I want to be. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see a strong women or even a women at all. I see a girl. Trying so hard to do what I think adults should do, but feel like a child playing pretend with older people. I can’t even face my own mother to give her ladders. I’m so hurt from past grudges that just seem to be barnacles stuck to a sea lost ship. It’s easy to speak on forgiveness and letting things go, but actually committing to these empty words is a whole other level. There are so many people who hate me and sometimes I don’t even get to understand the reason why, but they do. I look back at things that I have done for others that have gone unnoticed, yet I’m the bad guy. I’m the bad guy because I can’t let go. I’m the unreasonable because I’m hurt or because I have been constantly disappointed by the same excuses and actions that I have allowed others to commit. I ask myself why do I even hold this pain? Why does it even matter? But then I saw you, just walking and having no care in the world and that’s when it set in. I need you way more than you need me. I’m lost without you and I don’t have anyone else to turn to, but you, you find someone new up your sleeve each time. You change them like burnt light bulbs. So am I who is wrong or are you just better at distracting yourself? I guess neither of us will truly know. But if I must admit something, it will be this. I am ashamed at how little I have accomplished at my age. I’m working as a bagger for a company and trying to get back into school, while everyone else has plans and futures ahead of them. And I’m stuck sweeping trash from a parking lot just to make enough money. I will always keep reminding myself that I’m striving to a better path and this is just a baby step in that direction. Then why do I feel like such a failure?

[frenchfrywithatwist]

I appreciate how vigilant the American people have become within the times of crisis. However, I am so disappointed in what this nation has become within the last four years. And no, this isn’t a post to bash on any political party, this is about putting the accountability in the hands of those responsible. For centuries this nation has fallen under a political war within itself, and the shame isn’t on which side you stand but rather that you turn your backs on each other and rip one another like wolves. The United States is many things and within its ideology, it is a great nation built in capitalism. However! And I can’t express this enough, we are so busy arguing over who is right and not putting our minds together to create a solution. I want you to look at this election and engrave it into your brains until it’s written in history books. The 2020 election is between a tax fraud bigot and sleazy child predator, that’s it! There is no alternative, AND WE DID THIS. We fought so hard on who is worse that we didn’t even realize they passed through all the filters of power. We allowed it become corrupt and without notice gave them the power to do this. Our country is in shambles, our people are fighting a war within these borderlines, our idea of what’s right or wrong is slowly being replaced with “which is the less of two evils”. We aren’t winning, no one is winning. We have police officers trying to calm angry people who’s voices have been muffled for decades even before they were born. We have rioters destroying communities that built their foundations, instead of the real crooks who rob us blind for their own profits. GUYS WE ARE NO BETTER THAN THEM. There is something in the air, there are good guys on both teams trying to do the right things. I know many of you aren’t religious and that’s cool, separation of church and state, right? But in moments like these I like to keep my faith in God, to heal so many wounds that we all carry in our day to day. I know it’s frustrating, I know it’s tiring. To be put down everyday and always feel as if obstacles and hurdles keep being placed so that you can’t reach that finish line. But this is your moment to push. They want us to react, they want us to riot, they want us to be painted as the horrible people they stereotype us to be. Right wing are racist, leftists are commies. Wrong, we are people. And no, I don’t condone racism or injustice. However, let’s fight for what’s right, instead of with each other. It’s time to change the way we choose to change the world. We need to become better people, not only to ourselves but to each other. “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Also stop bitching about politics, it’s a social construct anyways.

[frenchfrywithatwist]

“People don’t tell you who they are. You have to figure it out.” -Aurora

Many times in my life, I’ve felt betrayed, surprised and relieved. There have been many moments where my judgement was wrong or my gut was right all along. In most experiences, I have felt disappointment from friends and family. But my greatest disappointment is in this world. Dreams and aspirations wilt in dark shadows as mistrust moves in where love should be. I have witnessed my own destruction as well as my construction, however my hope continues. There are many people in this world with lots of stories and experiences to share, but we must be ready to learn as well as listen. There are only three type of people in this place we call home: those who have been tormented yet don’t learn from their mistakes, those who are tormented because they look for it, and people who gotten to the other side and grown a new perspective. There are also the selfish, the balanced and the selfless. In better terms: the narcissist, the healed and the co-dependent. Be aware of what you have around you, because snakes may not be great swimmers but they still slither across. Be careful where you step as well, because they hide in tall grass too. Life can bring you many things like love, worry and fear, but life can bring you much more when you open your heart instead of your greed. I have seen my reflection in the mirror many times, I have seen myself become what I hate the most, I’ve transformed into who I fear and I have also evolved into the person I am today. The greatest advice in life isn’t to become something, but to be yourself and be comfortable with it. It’s a crazy idea to believe that the world could become a better place if we start with just simply loving ourselves. However, if life has taught me anything, it’s important to love yourself in order to give love. It’s time we start spreading joy instead of fear and hate, it’s time we start with us.

[frenchfrywithatwist]

Started a new podcast called Word Vomit.

I’m super beginner level and haven't officially started my first episode, but I would love if you check out my introduction and give me some ideas for my first episode! I would appreciate it so much and I’ll shout you out on my upcoming episode!

[frenchfrywithatwist]

No one hates you more than yourself.

Aurora

[frenchfrywithatwist]

I’m furious. It’s almost unbearable to feel so much anger towards you. Sometimes I don’t even know how to describe what I feel for you. Because I love you so much. Although it hurts so much to be mistreated and undervalued by you. Yet I can't find it inside my heart to hate you. All I feel is anger. And like always I feel like my voice is trapped behind my tongue, because I can't say how I feel. Because your sharp tongue will say I don’t know what I’m speaking on. And you’re right, I don’t know you anymore. But maybe that’s a good thing.

[frenchfrywithatwist]

Your sharp tongue cuts through my heart, but as always I must appear strong. You strike your words like positions on a chess board, using your pawns to get to me. 

[frenchfrywithatwist]

Hard Place

You scared me for years. Just with a look, I learned to keep my mouth shut and hide my thoughts. For some reason I knew I had to stop being myself and be your version of perfect. I knew I couldn't let you meet the real me, because you would destroy her. I wish I could've understood this was my gut alarming me to what you are. A exoskeleton of a person with issues deeper than the ocean, I’m no longer your supply for self-love.