thoughts and notes and letters

g.n.r | 27 | musings and writings and emotions

[fromahealingheart]

grief

[fromahealingheart]

You sent me flowers / Gorgeous and lovely / In a beautiful red vase / As red as I blushed thinking of you / They stood on my dresser so I could gaze at them all day / And think of you, my flower

I watered them, and fed them / Yet there was little I could do to delay the inevitable / They dried up and died / But they still looked lovely to me / An image of our love, in a pristine red vase / Red as my passion and love for you

But then I got sick / As I tried to hold onto the departed flowers / I wanted to keep them forever, cherish them, never let them go, this display of You / But they had rotted and grown mold / And it was time to abandon them

My love, which had made me clutch so fiercely, had risked my health / My heart was in my throat as I said goodbye to the beautiful decayed blossoms / I wouldn’t give up the glorious vase, I declared / Red as poisonous berries / I scrubbed and soaked until I was certain it was clean / Your love came and went, and that vase sat / As red as the blood I felt pour from my soul without you near / And it still sits, red as cherries / Ready for someone else / This time, I vow, I won’t cling too tightly

bloodshot blossoms, g.n.r

[fromahealingheart]

The hardest part is that I know I can never go back / I know I could never say “yes” / If you magically returned / (Which I know you never will) / I know you / You’re too kind

You think you’re doing me a favor / By torturing me like this / You said it then / I’m sure you still believe it

If only you cared just a bit more

Kindness, g.n.r

[fromahealingheart]

I forget what it feels like when my cheeks hurt from smiling too much I used to feel it every day / And have to rub my cheeks as they got sore / And try to scowl as the smile kept coming back / The fish faces we made at each other to fight it / I never thought I would miss that ache

Fish Face, g.n.r

[fromahealingheart]

When I first fell in love I felt it in my elbows / When my heart broke I felt it in my throat / I never felt love so intensely before / I didn’t know what was happening / My hands shook and I felt the blood thumping in my arms / My brain wasn’t moving fast enough to realize what was going on / I knew I was in love / But I was still in love

first love, g.n.r

[fromahealingheart]

I’ve changed / Absolutely, ridiculously, and completely The world was ripped from under my feet and I shattered into a million pieces Since that day I have slowly built myself back up / I tried putting the pieces back together, but I didn’t quite know where they all went / There were too many to puzzle into a whole picture So I started again I created a mosaic this time And built a new me that will one day face the treacherous path once more

Mosaic, g.n.r

[fromahealingheart]

back through this anatomy lesson I go

here the tears come / rolling down my cheeks

here the anger comes / bubbling inside my stomach

here the thoughts come / pop-ping into my head / “i hate him” / “I miss him” / “I want him in my life”

my hands shake / my stomach churns / my teeth clench / my chest heaves / my nose runs / my knees sway / over and over

the class is never concluded

back to school, g.n.r

[fromahealingheart]

You put words in my mouth / And convinced yourself

You turned your ears off / Shut your eyes / Your mind was made up / I could do nothing 

You made me powerless/ And turned me mute / And made yourself the hero of the story / Saving us both from heartbreak, / Yet uncaring that you were shattering mine

Power, g.n.r

[fromahealingheart]

heartbreak brought along with it friends, ones i had never much encountered in my life before / it brought rage and spite and hatred to my eyes / it brought violence and death to my mind / it brought harsh words quick to my tongue / it brought emptiness and chasms within my gut, my chest, and my soul / and it brought a Fear. deep into my being, that made the tears spill, and the shoulders heave, and the throat wail / it brought abandonment

Company, g.n.r 

[fromahealingheart]

I miss life with you / I’ll never be over a future with you / There’s nothing left for me / I’ve got to survive / No matter what I’ll never give up my care for you / There’s nothing you can do / But I need to survive / I have so much that I wrote for you / Alone / You know I need you

“I Don’t Need Your Love”

[fromahealingheart]

Let go, let go / I say, I chant, I beg, I plead / As I grasp even tighter to your hold on me.

Let go, let go / I cry and I yearn / Clinging onto every hope, my love continuing to burn.

Let go, let go / Get him out of my head / I curl into myself and tears soak the bed.

Stay // Go, g.n.r

[fromahealingheart]

I used to be afraid that the love I longed for was impossible to achieve, that it didn’t exist in our world. / And then I met him, and my heart leapt and love sprouted and soared and grew faster than I could have ever imagined. / The love I yearned for was here, and more. / I used to be afraid that I was incapable of loving the way I wanted to. But I soon forgot that fear altogether. / I was enraptured in love, enveloped in love, enlightened in love. I knew nothing else, for I needed nothing else.

Then in a moment it was gone. Suddenly. With no warning, no alarm, no tussle. Gone. / Not the love. But him. / The love stayed. But it wasn’t the same. It hurt. It ached. A squeezing pressure, an empty shell. / I feel I’m mourning my own death.

It is still here. Twinging in quiet moments and aching during a cold breeze.

I used to be afraid that love would never come. / Now I fear the love will never leave me.

Fears by g.n.r

[fromahealingheart]

i fell in love with love

and life was great until he left

but i am still in love with love

now just broken and bereft

as my soul is wandering without a love

i stand alone and cold

yearning, grasping about for love

a sure tragic sight to behold

i need to fill myself with love

to fill this aching void

i need a love to fall in love

to forget how i was destroyed

[fromahealingheart]

“why did you have to love me so softly?” | g.n.r

[fromahealingheart]

i need to stop addressing my writings to you

i know that is what i am supposed to do

but just because i don’t say three letters doesn’t mean you’re not present

who would i be fooling anyways

you were always my muse

[fromahealingheart]

i don’t know how to be without you

i don’t know who i am without you

and i recognize that is an issue

but it doesn’t solve the problem that i’m drifting away in a sea of nothingness, without any tether to reality, self, or you

[fromahealingheart]

those 1am thoughts of what if no one ever falls in love with me again. i never knew of anyone having a crush on me before, so who’s to say it would happen again, who’s to say it wasn’t some fluke that obviously wasn’t supposed to happen since the relationship didn’t last. the ultimate pain of the one who loves love so much, the lover never getting to love again