NO

pensamientos de la depresión

[justryingtovibe69]

[terra-nightgale]

OMG I CAN HAZ TUMBLR

so yea, i made a blog and now i need to post stuff XD

[flareonfloof]

omg finally

[terra-nightgale]

i’m going to blow up everything forever.

[theunbearablelightnessofbein]

The Spider (1992) dir. Vasili Mass

[fu777ur3]

My brain keeps screaming DO SOMETHING TO SHOW THE WORLD THAT YOU'RE ACTUALLY SANE AND PRODUCTIVE BE SUCCESSFUL NOW NOW NOW

[fu777ur3]

Like wtf is this why did I think this was better than being cheated on or lied to or treaten poorly. Like how is this any better? Any option makes me unhappy at least with him I had a fucking bed now what do I have?? My pride. Lol. I like to pretend it was my decision bc the truth of being thrown away is even more cruel.

[fu777ur3]

One day I'm going to be fat and ugly and old and will walk all crooked and I will be the fucking npc everybody knows that just exists and then dies alone. I'm going to be the old lady living in the old house with her parents furniture. With an old fucking dog and we will both smell like soup.

[fu777ur3]

The deadline is tomorrow I just need to draw that damn thing I just need to draw the thing if I can do it everything will be alright I will feel like I am still good at what I do

I SHOULD BE DRAWING NOT MOVING FURNITURE AND CLEANING DOG SHIT AND COOKING AND WASHING DISHES

I AM STARVING I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS I NEED TO DRAW THAT'S ALL I NEED THAT'S ALL

I SHOULDN'T BE SLEEPING WITH MY MOM AND SETTING UP MY COMPUTER IN A ROOM THAT SMELLS LIKE PISS

IT'S ALL MY FAULT FOR GETTING TOO COMFORTABLE. AS A WOMAN I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN BUT I THOUGHT I WAS SPECIAL AND IT WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO ME. I THOUGHT I WAS BEING TAKEN CARE OF AND I THOUGHT I COULD TAKE IT EASY WITH MY ILLNESS BUT NO.

My place is not chilling and having a tiny room to call my office in the city my place is here with the rotten water and the cats and the cigarette smell and supermarkets that only have two brands of the basic products. This is my place I will be 35 and I have nothing. I have produced nothing I have only survived. Cooking and cleaning shit and piss is the only contribution I can give to the world. I don't even deserve to have a dog it's so obvious that I can't take care of anything.

I DON'T EVEN HAVE A ROOM IN THIS HOUSE ANYMORE ALL I HAVE IS MY PHONE AND MY COMPUTER AND TRASH BAGS OF BOOKS AND CLOTHES.

[fu777ur3]

Talked and talked and talked about it. With everybody. Every step takes me further away and I hate it.

M said "trust the you that made those decisions, she did it for a reason".

[fu777ur3]

My therapist told me not to hurry so much. That I can take my time to feel bad. And maybe even talk to him. I disagree but I also know she is right. I just want to get this over with.

[fu777ur3]

I'm glad I got the car for a few days, took my mom to the hospital today and will take my brother tomorrow. At least I feel useful. I don't feel at home, I feel like my home doesn't exist anymore. Mom said no hay mal que por bien no venga, that at least I'm here to take care of her. I've been unhappy for a while but it was so hard to tell whose fault it was. I just think I wasn't made to be happy, bad luck.

I want to give up on everything that implies thinking. It's 2015 again. I don't want to have hope or to be special, I don't want a relationship. I just want a repetitive unhappy job that will at least give me some money. For a few years I want to be an npc, lie about my life. Wake up, work go back home and scroll until I fall asleep.

I am really sad for those years I lost when I stopped drawing, almost 5 years where my friends kept growing and getting better. But right now I have no energy left, I remember exactly what I felt, how I completely stopped caring about art. I will force myself to work tonight. I have to finish two commissions and then I can give up until November where I will edit a project. I feel like I will regret giving up again but I just don't see the point.

[fu777ur3]

Even if it goes against my feelings I have to do what's best for me. It has always been like this. I can't trust my heart or my gut but I think my brain is good enough, even though it's so ill lol

[fu777ur3]

Was I evil for denying him a family? Would a baby have healed me from my wounds? He said he wanted a tiny version of me because he loved me. Was I cruel? Was I selfish? I did not sacrifice for him, did I make a mistake? I have so much to heal and so much to fail and figure out, I was not ready and never will be. he just wanted a baby to call his own. Maybe I'm just immensely flawed and abnormal.

[fu777ur3]

I feel like I have a hole in my chest. I want to wake up in his bed again. I want to cuddle. He accepted me and wasn't ashamed of me. Why don't I deserve love? I don't know what to do. I don't want to die.

I really thought he was special and I was special to him.

[fu777ur3]

I don't want to be alone. I felt so special.

[strayingtogether]

260530 © Memory_Spark

[fu777ur3]

I still love him I never stopped loving him. I would return in a second I want to beg and cry but you can't fix not being loved. I loved him so much I was so happy.

[fu777ur3]

I don't want to go through grief. Please. It's torture. If there was a way to skip the next months or the next years I would feel so good.

It's done. The saddest night again. I was so happy thinking I wouldn't be alone again, that there was a place for me in the world. The meds say there is. That the world is for me and I don't need anyone. That it will be fine.

The uber driver laughed with me. He told me wanting kids is a primal feeling that can't be explained. Also that he doesn't see the world as good or bad. The world just is and we have to deal with it. We have to do what we can and it will never be safe. That it doesn't matter that things will go wrong we will deal with it. Time heals all wounds etc.

When I got out of the car he asked for my number, I think he genuinely cared. But his words were too scary for me, I still can't accept that this is the world we get and that we can't run from it. I have to create my safe space or the world is going to tear me apart. I think he is right, I'm just not ready to accept the truth. I want to die screaming and kicking. I said thank you.

I'm sad that I can't take my ceramics or art classes anymore.

I'm scared of what I will feel in the following months and years. I'm terrified. I'm not ready for what my brain will put me through. But I don't want to die yet.

I can't end on a happy note this time. I feel like I'm dreaming. Or that I woke up from a very long dream.