I Hate My Life

24| bipolar depression | PTSD | Anxiety

[thisdivorce]

[fuckedintheheadkrc]

zoloft

[imsadperiod]

[exodusx]

You know you're getting bad again when even sleep and music don't help and you feel sick all the time and you just want to disappear.

[softyin]

[fuckedintheheadkrc]

no one gets it

[fuckedintheheadkrc]

02/20/22

everything sucks. i’m off my meds. i’ve been off my latuda for a long time. i hate having to take antipsychotics to feel a little bit normal. i haven’t taken them mainly just due to forgetfulness and the side effects. i can barely remember to take my adderall. however, the only thing i seem to take consistently is my xanax. even though i’m only given 15 a month. i only have one xanax left and i can’t refill my prescription for another 2 weeks. lately all i’ve wanted to do is cry and stay in bed. my boyfriend just doesn’t get it. no one gets it. i just seem like a burden to everyone. i always just feel like i’m an after thought. even my own therapist won’t reply to me about scheduling an appointment. my boyfriend is out of town and i just don’t want to bother him or seem annoying. i’m just so tired of everything. i feel like i can’t do anything right. it’s exhausting just being alive. i’ve been thinking about sh’ing lately and i bought some r*z0r bl4des today.

[fuckedintheheadkrc]

this year i am going to try and be healthier and attempt to lose weight in a healthy way

[lifeiskindamessy]

friends “wow you look like you’ve lost weight, you look great”

like lol it’s the debilitating mental illness and excessive medicine cocktail but thank you (((:

[fuckedintheheadkrc]

WAIT can i drink while taking lamictal????? please say yes

[quinintheclouds]

Being on bipolar medication is wild because you become so much more aware of how addicted you are to depressive and hypo/manic episodes. I'm in and out of a not great place recently and I can FEEL the pull of temptation for a depressive episode. It'd be so easy to fall back into spiraling and wallowing in the familiarity of despair. But I'm able to choose not to entertain that craving. It's still so hard to break the habit, but there's a comfort in bipolar episodes and how uncomfortable they are. I don't know if that makes sense...I'm just so not used to or equipped for dealing with the Okay. Ok isn't a super familiar thing, so I panic and want desperately to self destruct, but I can fight against those urges now. I don't know. I don't want to want a depressive episode. But without my meds I'd be in one right now for sure, and it feels weird that I'm not. I've been on mood stabilizers for...2 years maybe? But sometimes stuff like this happens and it just seems so much easier and more comforting to regress. But I wont.

[fuckedintheheadkrc]

current meds:

Latuda (80mg)

Lamictal (25mg) just started

Trazadone (100mg)

Xanax (.5mg) as needed

Adderall (20mg) 2x a day

Other meds i’ve tried:

Zoloft - made me incredibly suicidal and self harmed

Cymbalta - diarrhea and throwing up. not fun.

Paxil - just didn’t work

[fuckedintheheadkrc]

i think things are getting bad again

[sa-dnesss]

“I was 12 thinking about killing myself. I am 21, still thinking about killing myself.”

—

[i-havenoinsides-deactivated2023]

Me: I wanna die but I won't try kill myself cause I don't wanna deal with the consequences if I don't actually die lmfao

My non suicidal friend: *starts a never-ending talk about how I shouldn't try to kill myself because they would miss me and life is beautiful and if I really need to we can "talk it through"*

Me: nvm lol

[goldenfleecehunter]

On a personal note; having Bipolar Type 2 is mad whack. Last night I was laying on the living room couch watching videos on my phone just having a good time, I even gave my mood a pretty solid 8.5/10 and literally out of nowhere it was like I ran outta dopamine and my mood plummeted in the matter of seconds. No triggers, no warnings, not even sad just like a negative void emerged within my brain out of absolutely nowhere. My mood was down to a 2/10 for no reason. Now here I am the morning of the next day and I feel unable to move or get out of bed. I know I have to work, I know there's people who rely on me, but I would rather not exist today.

[wecopewithourptsdwithmemes]

[everythiing-i-wanted]

I will

Never

be good enough