Dead or Dead

She/They. Trying out some new labels: Demiromantic Omnisexual. 29. I enjoy hockey sometimes, I swear!! I’m a shipper, so beware. I My blog is a dump for only the worse kind of trash.

[fuckyoucanada]

Changed my username back and going to pin this:

I do not hate Canada. This username was created during the Winter Olympics years ago as a joke and we all thought it was funny enough that I kept it. I briefly changed it during the gross political climate during the “Canada should be a state” bullshit, but have now changed it back.

Fuck trump and maga, their shit is not my shit.

[fuckyoucanada]

Hollanov Crack fic where while they’re soft launching their friendship, Shane mentions to Ilya that he’s basing how he interacts in public with Ilya on his friendship with Hayden. Would he carpool with Hayden? Yes, so they can do that, etc.

Except Shane likes being friendly with Ilya in public so much that he seriously considers how much better it would be if they held hands! So Shane does and it’s fantastic. He gets so high off the feeling of being with Ilya that his restrictive plan falls to the wayside and he’s touching Ilya constantly when they’re together, giving him little pecks on the cheek, so glad he forgot about the plan for once and just—went for it! They can just soft launching their friendship their actual relationship, not saying anything, and letting people realize on their own!

Only Shane never mentioned this to Ilya and he is still under the impression Shane is only doing things with Ilya that he would with Hayden and wtf do you mean Shane holds hands with Hayden??? He kisses him on the cheek???? This isn’t fucking okay hollader!

Ilya just seething with jealousy and in a horror movie in his head about what else Shane does with Hayden that he considers “just friends” things while Shane is living out a rom com

[fuckyoucanada]

I saw a pkane post with him in a Blackhawks jersey and said Jesus how old is this what do you MEAN he’s playing for the hawks again 😭 2015 me just walked up and slapped me in the face jfc

[fuckyoucanada]

Setting: episode 4, game before That Club Scene

Time Travel: random occurrence that is rare, but a documented phenomenon

Hollanov: taken aback when in a flash of light, two little children appear on the ice, frightened by the time shift and teary eyed. The girl, who looks a little older than the boy, catches Ily’s eye and shouts “papa!” while the boy, looking up at the girl’s shout, sees Shane first and immediately raises his arms to be picked up “dada!”

[scunthotter]

Ilya and the Centaurs hanging out with all of Ilya’s old teammates after playing Boston. Ilya does his disappearing act (aka going outside to talk to Shane for 30 minutes) and the Centaurs and the Bears are chatting and they start talking about the person they all have in common when Bood kinda shares a look with Hayes and goes "So, like, when he was in Boston was he this..."

"Scarily obsessed with Shane Hollander?" Cliff chimes in " Yeah, we're all a little worried he moved to Canada to stalk the man."

Everyone at the table gives a half hearted laugh at the "joke".

Ilya comes back, not even smelling like cigarettes smoke and the first thing he says is "Did you see the deke Hollander pulled against the Admirals goalie tonight." and no they had not seen it because they had all, Ilya included, been playing hockey at the time. Which means that from their perspective he had just been outside looking at Hollanders highlights for 30 minutes and suddenly everyone at the table is just a little less convinced. Like Cliff was just joking.

Probably.

Rozanov was almost definitely not stalking Shane Hollander.

That would be crazy right?

[fuckyoucanada]

This is now a Hoffman hate page I apologize to the penguins who WILL be catching strays because of them

[fuckyoucanada]

Shane (Captain of the Ottawa Centaurs) has a one night stand during the single time he feels low enough to get drunk during the season. He ends up pregnant but doesn’t remember jackshit about the guy so he’s just sort of on his own. He’s in his mid thirties and decides to hell with it, he’s having this baby.

Early 20s Ilya Rozanov is traded to Ottawa just as Shane is announced as being out on LTIR for at least the rest of the season. Shane still comes around the rink to be with the team and meets Ilya and, to his embarrassment, is crushing on his younger teammate.

Ilya is obsessed with Shane as both a player he admires, but also Shane is so very pretty; but with the baby bump? Ilya wasn’t aware he couple pop a boner while simply watching someone drink a pregnancy safe protein shake. He learns a new kink every time he’s in Shane’s presence.

Fast forward through relationship drama, and Ilya convincing Shane he wants to be with him and help him raise the baby, and Shane is ready to pop at this point. He goes down to take a nap and Ilya decides to cook something light for dinner. An hour later Shane waddles into the kitchen at break neck speed and spins Ilya around, pointing his finger at him.

“It was you!”

“What was me??” Ilya asks, bewildered.

“9 months ago, I got drunk in Boston and hooked up with some random guy. All I remembered was we were both wasted. I just remembered something else,” Shane says before he plucks at Ilya’s necklace, shaking it slightly. “He was wearing a gold cross!”

Ilya blinks at Shane, stunned, before he remembers that 9 months ago he was in Boston and in a bad place; his (now diagnosed) depression was really bad and there were a few weeks where he spent the majority of his time getting drunk and fucking anyone who wanted him.

“Oh,” Ilya states, dumbfounded.

Shane hits Ilya lightly on the chest, glaring at him, before he crosses his arms. “You got me knocked up, asshole! What do you have to say for yourself?”

And Ilya already loved their baby. Because it was their baby, even when some other man was the one that got Shane pregnant. That baby was going to be his regardless.

However…

Ilya gets so turned on by the fact that he was the one that bred The Shane Hollander that he has Shane lying on his side on his bed as he rings him dry through multiple orgasms and the endurance of a man who has gone feral over his partner’s pregnancy belly.

(Which is very funny because Shane goes into labor only a couple hours after they’re done and Shane 100% blames Ilya for this.)

[fuckyoucanada]

Hollanov canon au Shane gets outed but no one can identify the guy and they decide to hide ilya’s identity until they don’t have to worry about his Russian passport only now there are a bunch of men coming forward claiming to be the guy and so Shane has to state the guy who will remain anonymous is his long time partner and then guys online keep trying to convince him that they wouldn’t hide/to break up with that guy and Ilya is basically foaming at the mouth at this point.

He counts down the days and as soon as he doesn’t have to worry about russia he starts posting online asking Shane Hollander to pretty please consider him for his next boyfriend and Shane visibly flirts back and people are going crazy because does this mean that the other guy is out of the picture or???

Only they post a picture of them together a few days later that reveals Ilya was the guy all along and the internet explodes

“I can believe I asked Shane Hollander if Ilya Rozanov could fight I just barely escaped with my jaw intact omg”

”sorry I said I was better looking than your boyfriend I have taken my humble medication”

”what kind of power does hockey robot Shane Hollander hold to pull rose landry AND Ilya rozanov???”

[fuckyoucanada]

Reading a fic and Shane keeps chuckling every time Hayden and jj are dicks to Ilya but chastises Ilya when he’s a dick back is this what happens in the books because gross

[fuckyoucanada]

Baby Rae noooo 😭 CLAIRE STANDING UP FOR HER IM GONNA SCREAM

[fuckyoucanada]

I’m 16 minutes into I’m in Love with the Villainess and I’m absolutely dying Rae is so fucking funny she gets stepped on and literally goes harder please girl I hope you get your mean queen by the end of this I’m rooting for you

[fuckyoucanada]

I need everyone to know that everything mean mean things I say about the pens from now on has nothing to do with any of the players and everything to do with anyone whose last name is Hoffman. FUCK YOU GUYS

[fuckyoucanada]

Oh no a real person was compared to a fictional character call the police this is an emergency no you don’t understand office this user is upsetty spaghetti about a comparison that means nothing and hurts no one someone needs to be punished for this!!!

[fuckyoucanada]

I did binge watch an isekai I saw on TikTok how could you tell

[fuckyoucanada]

Stay with me here Shane hollander isekai into his favorite game where he’s supposed to fall for main girl character rose as the male main character but instead he falls for his supposed rival in love, Ilya.

Or

Ilya Rozanov isekai where he wakes up as the villain in his favorite game and all he wants is to get the main make love interest Shane to look at him. He is a very affective villain in the regard alone.

Or

Shane and Ilya both isekai and they go through all of the usual isekai shit only to wake up back in the real world and mourn their fictional love only to run into each other

[fuckyoucanada]

I’m freaking out excuse me HR season 2 2027 and Warrior Cats tv series 2028??? My adult self and middle school self are locked the fuck in

[fuckyoucanada]

Realizing my vague dislike for Diana from next to normal is actually me putting my feelings for my own mother, her battle with her mental health, and what I view as her being passively suicidal onto a fictional character well done next to normal you have emotionally devastated me