Simple & Random @fur4furaru - Tumblr Blog

I don't need the chatgpt random algorithm to write emails for me because I already have a custom and 100% flawless algorithm called "writing the exact same three emails with the names changed"

#1: "hi [landlord], hope you're doing well! [apartment thing] is [broken/a problem]. we need it [fixed/replaced/handled] by [date]. let us know when you'll send someone over so we can be here to let them in. thanks so much, [op]"

#2: "hi [professor], hope you're doing well! unfortunately, I'm [sick/stuck at work/dead] and won't be able to submit [assignment] by [due date]. could I please have an extension? if not, is there anything else I could do to make up this credit? thanks so much, [op]"

#3: "hi [customer service person], hope you're doing well! unfortunately, [product] [didn't arrive/is broken/wrong color/gave me a rash/poisoned my crops] and I'd like to receive a [refund/replacement]. here is the documentation of the order and photos of [broken thing/wrong thing/my rash/dead crops]. thanks so much, [op]"

"but op I work in an office I have to write way more emails than you" well that's your fault for working in an office i got nothing to do with that

perpetualsarcasmmachine

Writing an email is so easy and I will tell you how it's done. This is the advice is for everyone with an email job, but you can apply it to normal human interaction.

The FIRST SENTENCE is the thing you want the recipient to do. Do not make them guess.

I want to let you know about ... (This email is to inform someone of something not to ask them to do anything)

Could you please do ... (This is a request. You want them to do something).

I'm looking into x and wondering if you can help me (this is also a request but for information instead of an action).

People do not want to read an email and even if they do read it, most people are skimming and not interested. Tell them what you want first, then provide context or other information (when you need a thing is often key). If the email is informational, you can even add "you don't need to do anything, this is just to keep you informed!" People will appreciate not having to figure out what you want from them.

If you can't articulate what you want the recipient to do with the message, you are not ready to email them. I read too many emails where I have no idea what the person wants from me.

Put the most important thing first and everyone will be impressed! AI cannot do this for you because it can't tell what's important! Only you know that, which is why you must write your own emails.

to everyone who wants help with emails: go through the notes of this post. there are ideas I've never thought of and plenty of scripts for all kinds of situations/jobs

#important

cherryyspider

boys who get like 😳 whenever its his -50 pda slightly abrasive spider bf initiating the kiss

achesspiece

in chess the queens can kill each other which is toxic yuri and the kings can never get within a square of each other which is doomed yaoi

2-point-5

not to be rude but some of y'all need to look on the bright side sometimes. like, yeah sure the world is fucked and people suck and we all die whatever, sure, but like. go outside.

2-point-5

ok i phrased this poorly, hang on.

i'm not saying the cure for depression is touching grass. however, if you surround yourself with sad things and talk about how terrible life is and how much you're suffering and never take a breath and remember it's not all bad, you'll end up making yourself worse.

sometiktoksarevalid

niinomae

my sleeping beauty... / speed paint

armed-teddy-bear

marigoldendragon

All roads lead to death

helpthegremlinisloose

Welp

We gon' die

youkaigakkou-tl

🎋🌾 "These two were butting heads back in first year, but they mellowed out and became friends without an inciting event like Rensuke and Tamao had, so they still kind of have to feel each other out."

hey guys check it out I can do a frontside 180 with my stomach haha

hopital

just 4 u. I braved Phone Art while on Turbo Morphine (I think they called it dilaudid. it's Turbo Morphine 2 me)

oh ur super flexible? yeah well lmao can u do THIS??? (throws up and dies)

u know in retrospect my stomach shrimping wasn't even the worst part so far. it was the tube that went to third base with my floppy ass cardia. through my sinuses. just straight up cockwarmed a silly straw all the way thru my esophagus for 2 days

I'm a fool. a fucking fool. an absolute clown. do u know what happened minutes after I posted this.

I found out my body cannot handle opioids.

my muscles lock tf up and deliver the worst pain imaginable in every direction at once. I can't describe it. it's not just pain it's the sensation of every disgusting awful flu ache you've ever experienced in your life condensed into one square inch of your body, all over your body.

do u know what alternatives hospitals have to opioids? HA, HAHAHA

they don't

GUESS WHOSE HOSPITAL IS GETTING HIT BY A TORNADO

made the saving throw 😎 not today, Satan

Y'ALL WILL NOT FUCKING BELIEVE WHAT BIOLOGICAL PROCESS STARTED LITERALLY THE DAY BEFORE SURGERY

THERE'S ANOTHER FUCKING TORNADO

I'd love to say this has been an educational experience, but unfortunately I run on Spite and simply vow to torture my blorbos even more now

which is saying something while being in the Vivisect the Half Dead Child fandom

I LIVED BITCH!!

Stomach is back where it should be, I got some guts stapled and skin glued, and recited Dexter's Lab every time the nurses mixed powdered medicine in with my applesauce. I'm bored of drinking ramen and watching Resident Alien reruns so I'm gonna peruse the tags!

I cannot tell you how many times I unironically gazed into the middle distance and thought this

I've learned things can be true and also a shit post at the same time. unfortunately

starting to think maybe I've been saying this too much all my life and karmic justice just backed up in the pipes before exploding. still gonna obliterate those twinks tho. get back here Siffrin I'm not done with you yet

this guy is getting the true moral of this story

I HAVEN'T IN YEARS so either the AO3 curse has a disconcerting half-life, or it extends to discord servers and Google docs. both are horrifying and deserve a federal grant for further investigation

you and me both! isn't nature beautiful

you've made me realize my most recent fic in my gdocs is in fact the darkest thing I've written. so maybe all the ppl in the tags claiming AO3 curse aren't as wrong as I've been thinking they are

god's a bitch and I'm into omegaverse

I feel like I should get a medal for enduring something so fucked up that randos on the internet think I must be lying. yeah bro me too

did I stutter

honestly the worst part about all of this is the fact that I can't watch Murderbot. I want to so bad. but I refuse until I'm feeling halfway alive again

fuck life. I give myself lemons. AO3 on hospital Wi-Fi

you do not. like emphatically, I don't think that's a great idea

I'd say I'm sorry but tbh this seems very on theme for ISAT so

THANK you I need everyone to remember I'm a gamer first, god's favorite crusty sock in the bottom of the drawer second

the ARE a lot of people in the tags calling me Jesus Christ

I'll admit that one's on me. when I started being unable to eat anything, my first thought was not "stomach straight up saying the abdomen's haunted"

I hate that I was actually considering getting white haired anime boy haircut right before all this happened. could you fucking imagine

don't carbon date me like this

Rascal Flatts was right. life is a highway and it's riding me all night long

the abortion was a success! (/silly)

they snipped and stitched some things, yanked the whole sucker back down UNDER my diaphragm where it belongs, and did this thing called a fundoplication where they wrap and stitch the top of the stomach around the bottom of the esophagus. it’s supposed to help keep that little bastard in its assigned seating

what I had was a called a combination sliding hiatal hernia (stomach wants uppies) and paraesophageal hiatal hernia (stomach wants uppies but through a different hole in the diaphragm bc it’s not like other girls, making it look like it’s trying to phone home), along with combined organoaxial and mesenteroaxial gastric volvulus (stomach flops around like a dead fish and twists itself shut like a bread bag AND goes upside down). the former usually ends up cutting off blood flow and starts necrotizing the stomach (very dangerous), but I was extremely lucky that hadn’t happened yet!

the hernias are uncommon but not terribly rare. the stomach flopping around? that’s rare. the fact that I had both of these at the same time, where they both did ALL AVAILABLE BAD THINGS POSSIBLE?

to put it gently, according to one resident, I had surgeons fighting over me. pictures were taken. I had like six separate groups of medical professionals coming into my room regularly. my surgeon shook my hand like I was a celebrity. it was honest to god hilarious.

all in all, I spent 3 months thinking I was being a huge wimpy diaper baby, only to find out I narrowly evaded death bc my friend Moth told me to go to the ER right away, and it triggered a panic attack big enough to make me do just that. the poor ER doc came in sweating with the initial CT scans like “I’m gonna be real with you I’m not entirely sure I know what I’m looking at but it’s giving INCREDIBLE Emergency Surgery”

I’m upset I don’t get to birth an alien baby, but considering how it was Rapturing into my chest, it probably would have been a chest burster anyway. I want to kiss Miss Xenomorph as much as the next guy but I think I’ll just stick to sending prime numbers out into space until one returns my booty call

EDIT: btw I love the dog jokes lmao I had no idea volvulus was common in dogs! don't worry I'm not a werewolf (unfortunately), I simply have hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos, which makes all my connective tissue soft and stretchy. So we're waaaay more prone to having organs (and joints) slip n slide around and do things they REALLY aren't supposed to. But I wish I was a werewolf even more now. when will it be my turn

haha that was a fun near-death experience glad it's over though GUESS WHO JUST GOT FIRED

ARE YOU KIDDING ME THERE'S ANOTHER FUCKING TORNADO

worldheritagepostorganization

my clowns in hellsite, I have no idea how my house is intact when there are trees uprooted by my mailbox. if I had less staples in me I'd bend over and moon the sky

I'm not gonna keep dragging this post on I swear I'm just still on pain meds (I can handle higher doses of weaker opioids for some reason! yippee!) so I'm gonna look through the tags one more time and address a couple things I've seen often

- no, I wasn't doing anything in particular to fuck up my guts. sometimes our organs just Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2 right through the polygons. don't worry about it, it's rare and you get a fun story to tell ur friends

- yes, I was fired because I missed too many days nearly dying and requested more to recover from nearly dying. what can I say I'm a needy unreasonable bitch

- yes it's pretty lame to do this to someone right as they stumble off the operating table and get dumped with expensive medical bills. yes this is legal. yes I'm filing for unemployment. yes I would leave mouse poops in the CEO's coco rice krispies if given the chance. love and peace ✌️

- it's cool my dudes I live in the Midwest, basements are an evolutionary aspect of natural selection here. we've also got Steve Templeton I'm pretty sure he fights the tornadoes off himself

- Murderbot TV series good :)

- don't worry guys I know the original artist for Life is a Highway. Lightning McQueen

- there are a LOT of you offering advice on how to avoid the torment nexus. while having a Siffrin pfp. just an observation

- who the fuck is Job

please laugh. every drop of joy I squeeze from this karmic fart parade is another finger shoved firmly up god's withered asshole

can everyone stop being funnier than me for 2 minutes

I only fucked someone once and it was bc they replied to my reply on their comment to the fic I filled for their kink meme prompt on Livejournal. it was vore. and my name's not Jesus

no I'm going I want to ask Joshua how he got that gay

can y'all stop comparing me to deities I'm already on thin ice here with one or possibly more of them

no this is Patrick

I'm sorry to disappoint but I only have 2 weed smoking girlfriends. if anyone lets me borrow one of theirs tho it would really help the Make A Wish Foundation. I beg them once a week and they keep telling me I'm "not a child" and "already got two wishes fulfilled"

take a ticket and get in line if you're gonna make an attempt on my life, you goddamn heathen

you can't give me this after I was just accused of being Dave Strider

DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE

World Heritage Post

likeafieldmouse-deactivated2015

Luis Camnitzer - The Photograph (1981)

gastronauticsyd

The Screenshot (2014)

fredersen

The Reblog (2014)

toratiger-deactivated20211204

Bahahahaha love this

processintegrated

The Unnecessary Comment (2014)

greatmountainfloofsquatch

The Delayed Reblogging (2026)

Not my white ass locked in the duke’s dungeon again because I fucked his favorite jester 😩

I didn’t know he was so territorial over the silly little guy 🙄

moreyradder

Pro Tip: Avoid this in the future by inviting the king to your chambers and presenting the situation as;

" Just warming him up for a surprise threesome. You looked so stressed, sire, so let us help you relax."

The Duke would, at best, be the fourth

The Duke’s wife is the third from time to time, and I feel like he’s not gonna be happy about that

And most importantly, the Duke is a fuck boi, he’s not invited

moreyradder

Ah, but I said the king, my good wizard!

If you get the king in on this, the duke can do nothing without risking insulting his monarch.

This could not possibly backfire!

In fact, I'll go perform this right now and report back my success shortly.

moreyradder

Dungeon

Welcome to the club

wizard-gobling

surely the duke can’t catch all of us????

Gonna try hitting up the jester when the duke goes out for another raid and report with results 👍

wizard-gobling

Dungeon.

ratazom

Wow. I don't respect anyone in this thread.

wizard-gobling

feels like somebody’s mad they didn’t get the chance to fuck the duke’s favorite jester