Ratazom the Red

😤Always on that grind😤 💣Arms profiteering in the skeleton war☠️ Real wizards wear red! Jimkinnz the test homunculus is my only real homie.

[ratazom]

[neenarchive]

boys like it when you imprison them in the ornate birdcage that hangs in the centre of your lair

[jimkinnz]

my naym is jim

and on sunday

and master has

gone out to play

in lab I get

ridiculous

make facts about

homuncuIus

[numamazza]

iamb numzy

wouldn’’t you know

my master did

happen to go

so in his lab

I mess around

making a new

‘munculus clown

[numamazza]

[gavamont-clone-1]

I'm gavamont

Or clone of one

And though you guys

Are having fun

I warn you now

That danger's nigh

For ratazom

Is on the fly

[jimkinnz]

oh shit nummzy' hide the makeup¡

[numamazza]

I useded permanent marker¡!¡!

it’’s not coming offfffff¡!¡!

[ratazom]

I sure hope the homunculi are playing nice in the lab and not writing poetry or putting on a circus...

JIMKINNZ!!!!!!!!!!

[gavamont]

There once was a wizard of pebbles

And his shtick worked on quite a few levels

Good for skipping stones

Or leveling country roads

Or crushing wait on the bodies of his rivals

[ratazom]

There was a young wizard of gravel

Who made the pebble wiz unravel

For his rougher crushed stones

Suited well the unknowns

Of making roads down which to travel

[parasitoidism]

we all have that one friend trying to rebuild the world according to their own warped philosophy

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

dump his ass. move to a walkable city. start hormones. get into fiber crafts. dye your hair weird. grow an herb garden. foster a distrustful cat. take a welding class. invite your friends over for tea and cake. get way too into obscure media. explore a new cuisine. lie to the police. protest in the streets. life has so many possibilities don't it?

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

make out with a frenemy. buy noise cancelling headphones. wear office inappropriate attire. quit a toxic workplace. improve your apartment. start a dog walking sidegig. get on first name basis with your local librarians. bully politicians at town hall meetings. get an unexpected piercing. cultivate farmer's market connections. trade recipes with a gossipy old neighbor. unionize your apartment complex. move to the countryside. let a friend take you larping. keep a sword on your mantleplace

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

get a tattoo on your 40th birthday. be tempted to buy a loom. do a charity drag show. sue your landlord. buy a really nice kitchen appliance. volunteer at an anarchist soup kitchen. rediscover a tv show you watched when you were 8. spam your state senators. shop at asian grocery stores. do cosplay. buy trans flags in bulk and mount them along the highway. go viral for unexpected reasons. move in with your best friend. make lemoncello with leftover lemon rinds. run for school board membership. explore pegging.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

update: i'm delighted to report this post has been responsible for at least one person dumping his ass

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

update: three four people

[wearesorcerer]

Succumb to the amulet?

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

Succumb to the amulet!!!

[gavamont]

The wizard swap meet is so dead with this heat wave. No one wants to go out and forage for dangerous mushrooms or dredge lakes for lost swords. I showed up with a crate of old art prints of sigils and I couldn’t get any lookers because everyone was just marveling at a sorcerer that enchanted a cow to dispense ice cold lemonade from its udders.

[kindlynurturingwizard]

Well, I just wanted to help people. The swap meet gets sweltering!

[ratazom]

Yes, but why did you make it free? You could have made a killing! People were there to buy!

[gavamont]

People are there to SWAP, it’s a technical difference, but a difference all the same. Plus, I saw you slip your mouth directly onto a teat at one point.

[ratazom]

Spell of Forget What You Saw

[gavamont]

The wizard swap meet is so dead with this heat wave. No one wants to go out and forage for dangerous mushrooms or dredge lakes for lost swords. I showed up with a crate of old art prints of sigils and I couldn’t get any lookers because everyone was just marveling at a sorcerer that enchanted a cow to dispense ice cold lemonade from its udders.

[kindlynurturingwizard]

Well, I just wanted to help people. The swap meet gets sweltering!

[ratazom]

Yes, but why did you make it free? You could have made a killing! People were there to buy!

[gavamont]

Wizard Chandler: No, I'm telling you, Ross has finally reanimated a dinosaur skeleton. We all thought he was a fool to try, I mocked him most of all, it's one of my favorite things to do. Wizard Monica: Don't feed his delusions, Chandler. He probably just summoned unseen servants to move it about. Wizard Rachel: Well I can think of one bone I wish he was better with :/ *studio audience laughter* *A t-Rex skeleton bursts through the apartment wall with Wizard Ross flailing in pain trapped in it's jaws* Wizard Phoebe: Oh, I kept imagining it as a raptor. You know, for the phalanges. Wizard Joey: Ross, cut it out, the commercial I'm in for the new mana potion is about to come on the TV.

[ratazom]

I watched an old episode of the mundane adaptation of this with Warren the other day, and I have to say I was surprised that even when they purged every other wizard reference they could, they just couldn't write out Phoebe's love for arch-necromancer Regina Phalange

[gavamont]

It also seems like they were never fully able to write away Phoebe’s wizardly tendencies. But it makes sense, she was the most powerful wizard on the show.

[ratazom]

Armies tremble at the thought of her Smelly Cat Blast

[gavamont]

Wizard Chandler: No, I'm telling you, Ross has finally reanimated a dinosaur skeleton. We all thought he was a fool to try, I mocked him most of all, it's one of my favorite things to do. Wizard Monica: Don't feed his delusions, Chandler. He probably just summoned unseen servants to move it about. Wizard Rachel: Well I can think of one bone I wish he was better with :/ *studio audience laughter* *A t-Rex skeleton bursts through the apartment wall with Wizard Ross flailing in pain trapped in it's jaws* Wizard Phoebe: Oh, I kept imagining it as a raptor. You know, for the phalanges. Wizard Joey: Ross, cut it out, the commercial I'm in for the new mana potion is about to come on the TV.

[ratazom]

I watched an old episode of the mundane adaptation of this with Warren the other day, and I have to say I was surprised that even when they purged every other wizard reference they could, they just couldn't write out Phoebe's love for arch-necromancer Regina Phalange

[gavamont]

A wizard that has their secret lair hidden within a mid ocean buoy. You may think it is a marker for the end of the continental shelf, but that is more accurately the tip of a metaphorical iceberg.

Just like a literal iceberg, the vast majority of his lair is beneath the waves. It gives him more room for wizardly activities, like cursed sea cucumber harvesting, kissing boys, observing kraken migration, cultivating rare sea salts, and many other magical functions.

[ratazom]

I can't help but feel that he has rather more unwizardly motivations for one of these listed activities...

[sandmandaddy69]

Ted Nasmith

[medievaljournalist]

idgaf about palace intrigue just let me chill

[yudrilsthira]

can you at least not eat poisoned food when you have been told in advance its poisoned

[medievaljournalist]

juat let mw chj

[gavamont]

There once was a wizard of bramble

Cross the hills and the valleys he’d amble

And some say he’s nasty

With his thorns all jaggedy

But it’s also cover for rabbit wizards ever humble

[kindlynurturingwizard]

All the rabbit wizards would take cover

'neath bramble wizard like a lover

He'd protect them you see

While they giggle with glee

And tell arcane secrets to each other

[gavamont]

KNW, you can make everything sound a little more lovely. Maybe that your signature spell.

[kindlynurturingwizard]

Rabbits just like to be protected from predators so that they can fuck and share arcane secrets 🤷‍♂️

[gavamont]

I think to fuck and share arcane secrets is what we all want on some deep level.

[ratazom]

Yeah, if you're a rabbit!!!

Wait.

[jimkinnz]

homuncuIus facts¡

i spent the last two weeks in the forest of of lost posts•

it was dark and scary but i am very brave•

now i return to you with this important new homuncuIus fact;

snibbwiggs the homuncuIus is fake and gay•

like many homunculi' really•

we,re artificial lifeforms and we don,t conform to social mores easily•

[numamazza]

• iamb scared of thať first because sometimes a copy of me shows up there and mooves the same as me•

[jimkinnz]

real quiet from you on the snibbwiggs news•••

[gavamont]

He tries not to concern himself with what is fake and gay. He only wants what is real and gay.

[ratazom]

He's literally a homuncuIus

[ladyvictoriart]

Once every hundred years a kite will lay a red egg from which hatches a black and white bird. When that bird dies, a green worm-like creature emerges from its body and will grow into the fearsome Rooster of Death. Anyone who hears the call of this Rooster will die the following day unless they can find a mysterious blue herb that grows in the wilds of Asturias.

[valdevia]

Always delighted to see more folklore creatures from Asturias by Victoria! The Rooster of Death (Gallu de la muerte) is such a strange one, I love it!

[orcboxer]

Wait! I can change! *grotesquely transforms into a snarling ghoul*