My Future Husband's Super Secret Public Diary

I found my husband's diary and will be posting things from it like the evil wench that I am. Hugs and kisses.

[futurehusbandsupersecretpub-blog]

Saying That I Love You

Me: I love you

Wife: Don't be a little bitch

Me: ...

Wife: ...

Me: ...

Wife: okay I love you too

Me: yay!

Wife: shut up

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Making the bed

Me: 🎶baby you're a fireworrrrrrk🎶

Wife: fuck you no I'm not

#themosthumblewife

[futurehusbandsupersecretpub-blog]

Getting Ready

This morning my wife was plucking her eyebrows as I was applying Shea Butter lotion to my body. I noticed that every time she would hurt herself while tweezing, instead of saying “ouch” like a normal person, she would scream “hot hot hot!”

When I asked her why she did that she pinned me down and plucked my arm hair. It didn’t really hurt that much due to the lotion I applied prior to this attack. However, I now have a weird bald spot on my left arm as a result. Not that I’m complaining. Later she explained that screaming “hot” reminded her of how her eyebrows will look after all the plucking pain was over. 

I have to admit that as a man I will never understand these womanly things and why my wife insists on putting herself through the pain but her eyebrows were really hot. 

And now a poem about my wife’s eyebrows:

Wide and then narrow

The ends like the beak of a sparrow

Your eyes are the window to your soul

And your brows the dagger to my heart that you stole

Either way, my wife has a good point. When you’re working on something in terms of improvement, don’t think of the pain but rather the result. Make that your mantra-- hot hot hot!

Excuse me, I have to go put some Neosporin on my arm’s bald spot. 

[thebestoftumbling]

[futurehusbandsupersecretpub-blog]

Us someday

[assholedisney-deactivated201604]

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My wife in a nutshell except instead of a princess, she's evil <3 <3 <3

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One of Those Days

Wife: I feel like complete garbage today

Me: You can't take over the world with that attitude

Wife: ugh you right

[She gets up, kicks the door open, and runs out]

Me [yelling after her]: THAT'S OKAY HONEY I'LL FIX IT!

[futurehusbandsupersecretpub-blog]

Look into my eyes and you'll see nine levels of hell but eat the food I make for you and that's my love

Wifey

[futurehusbandsupersecretpub-blog]

The Fault In Our Carbs

I fell in love with the way you eat wings: slowly, and then all at once

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11 Tony Wins

I wanted to listen to the Hamilton soundtrack this morning in honor of all their Tony wins but my wife decided that it was too early in the morning for me to cry. She was right. Crying is more of a nighttime activity for me.

[futurehusbandsupersecretpub-blog]

Shopping With My Wife

Me: Babe, what do you think of these sneakers?

Wife: You KNOW how I feel about New Balance

Me: 😳

Wife: *Takes out scissors from purse and cuts up sneakers*

Employee: Hey! You can't do that!

Me: Run

[futurehusbandsupersecretpub-blog]

Today I took my beautiful wife to see You Before Me and when everyone else was crying in the theater she told us all to shut the freak up and proceeded to laugh maniacally throughout the rest of the movie.

She’s so adorable.

[futurehusbandsupersecretpub-blog]

I honestly appreciate how obsessed you are with me but I need you to leave me alone

My World, My Wife

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First Lunch As Husband and Wife

Me: Babe, what's for lunch?

Wife: The Devil's horns seasoned with the tears of my enemies

Me: :')

It was delicious

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Just Kidding: How We Really Met

We met through mutual friends of course, because our friends love us and think of us. I know some of you just aren’t blessed with those kinds of friends.

My wife actually loves me very much and we are the best of friends. She just has a terrible attitude.

And I live for it. 

[futurehusbandsupersecretpub-blog]

How We Met

This entry is all about how my wife and I met. 

I recently listened to the Hamilton: An American Musical soundtrack, so most of this will just rhyme because that’s the persona I’ve taken on today.. 

It was one of those days. Serendipitous you could say. I had known my wife my whole life but neither of us thought we would ever end up married to each other this way. 

Our fathers were best friends until her father owed my father a shit ton of money. Not everyday for them was sunny. Her dad was addicted to scented candles, a collection of aromas, fire, his desires he can’t dismantle. He borrowed money from my father until he ended up in squallor. The debt was so tremendous. There was no way he would end this spending and mend trust. 

So they came to an agreement. His daughter as my wife to erase his debts, no more gambling for candles, no more bets. 

And that’s our story.  

[futurehusbandsupersecretpub-blog]

Our Morning Exchange

Me: Good Morning, beautiful :)

Wife: Please shut your damn mouth

Me: Okay, Queen of My World.

We make such a cute couple. omg.

[futurehusbandsupersecretpub-blog]

Dear Diary

This is my first entry as a husband. This is the first day, the beginning of the rest of our lives. We are a beacon of love and truth.

And my wife is crying herself to sleep.

I am so excited to spend the rest of my life with her.