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Part 2

[galimatiaskosmos]

Artes de dois OCs que eu e meu amigo insta@melinbobin fizemos juntos.

Uma é uma harpia chamada Ocipete, e o outro é uma sereia chamada Âmbar — elu é não binárie (qualquer pronome) e mudo.

Art of two OCs that my friend insta@melinbobin and I made together. One is a harpy named Ocipete, and the other is a mermaid named Amber — they are non-binary (any pronoun) and mute.

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And there’s still more stuff missing. But I won’t explain the whole drawing. I’ll let the mystery linger.

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Here is the English version. I’m Brazilian and from northeastern Brazil, so a lot of things here are based on that.

Part 1

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I will post the English version soon.

[galimatiaskosmos]

Aqui uma explicação de vários detalhes do meu desenho "um primo". Ainda vou postar mais sobre, porém ainda sim não vão conter TODOS os detalhes do desenho, já que são muitos. Vou postar a versão em inglês em breve.

Here is an explanation of several details of my drawing "a cousin". I will still post more about it, but it will not contain ALL the details of the drawing, since they're inumerous. I will post the English version soon.

[galimatiaskosmos]

Um primo

A cousin

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Paaera, infernal pra pai. Paakra, originario da palavra paaera, pai.

No inferno, pai é comumente um insulto, pois muitos nascem sem um pai - abandonados antes mesmo de nascer. E aqueles que foram sortudos o suficiente pra ter um pai presente, o pai comumente é ausente emocionalmente e machuca a criança ou fisicamente ou emocionalmente.

Assim, paaera se tornou paakra, um insulto. Você usa a palavra pra designar alguém nojento, que causa extrema repulsa e está em um nível tão baixo que os piores criminosos da sociedade infernal tem nojo de você.

Paaera, infernal for father. Paakra, originating from the word paaera, father.

In hell, father is often an insult, as many are born without a father - abandoned before they are even born. And for those who were lucky enough to have a father present, the father is often emotionally absent and hurts the child either physically or emotionally.

Thus, paaera became paakra, an insult. You use the word to designate someone disgusting, who causes extreme repulsion and is on such a low level that the worst criminals in hellish society are disgusted by you.

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Uns desenhos que eu fiz de um jogo que eu jogava na infância chamado Dokuro.

Some drawings I made of a game I played as a child called Dokuro.

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Shouldn’t have touched grass yesterday….

Now I know that my cousin - the person that I was most trusting in my solitary life - also had hurt me when I was young. When I say hurt, I mean HURT, ABUSE, AGRESSION, VIOLENCE.

That broke my heart…. I thought…. That finally I had met a good person in my life…. Just to know that he physically hurt me, purposely….

I’m tired, no one in my family is a good person… they’re all abused me, they’re all made sure to hurt me as bad as possible.

I’ll still do my best to be a good person, to be different from them, even though I’ve lost my faith in humanity again. I’ll do it, because, unlike my cousin, who thought about competing with me about which one of us is more psychopathic, I want to be a good person, even if the world deserves to die, even if the majority of people deserves to die.

I’ve done bad stuff in my youth, lots of bad stuff, stuff that makes me question if I have aspd (I’ll discuss it with my psychologist), but I had do it because i wanted to be left alone, I wanted them to stop hurting me, to stop abusing me, to stop it all. And even though I feel no guilt or remorse or empathy, I still know that what I did was bad, I still wanted to change, because I want to be left alone, I want for people to stop hurting me. Unlike my cousin, who was an asshole, like my family, like everyone else. Yesterday he was COMPETING to see which one of us was more of a psychopath.

He’s an asshole, I thought he was different, I thought he was a good person, I thought I was safe…. Seems I’ve landed on my face again.

I want to be good, I want to be left alone, to finally be happy, to be good with myself…. And I’ll keep doing my best to be a good person, despite everything, because I’m not like them and I don’t want to be.

[galimatiaskosmos]

I'm feeling strange.

I can’t form connections with people; I can't feel anything for anyone—neither sexually, romantically, nor affectionately, nothing. It’s as if I have to build my own world from scratch, surrounded by a bunch of animals who only think about sex, reproduction, forming families, and having partners.

This has never affected me; being alone has never bothered me. The only thing that has bothered me is that when I need help, I won’t have anyone to lift me up or protect me.

Lately, seeing people have intimate relationships on TV has begun to affect me deeply. It never bothered me before; I would just skip those scenes or ignore them.

I’m trying to find the reason for this. It doesn’t seem like trauma, it doesn’t seem like disgust or aversion… I think it might have to do with a kind of… adjustment disorder?

It’s like I’ve finally realized that most people are different from me, completely different. This feels like a punch in the stomach because while others know what they want in life, know what to do, I have to learn everything on my own, I have to build my own path.

It’s as if I’m the only illithid/devil among animals. They are born, survive, have sex, start families, have kids, and die. I am born and survive, don’t feel the need for a partner, sex, children, or family. But it’s not just that; they bombard me with this constant message: be born, survive, have sex, make a family, have children, and die.

I feel out of place when I see a series/movie/media where characters fall in love and have sex—whether for fun or in a relationship—because it reminds me that I’m out of place—the only devil/illithid among animals.

No, I don’t feel lonely, and I don’t mind being a solitary and virgin person. I also don’t care about finding a friend or a lifelong companion to have sex with or whatever; I just don’t care. Yes, I’ve touched grass, I’ve gone out to live the world, and I’m enjoying life now.

I just wanted to vent, and I wrote this to try to understand this bad feeling I get whenever I see two characters have sex or fall in love in media.

Interacting is exhausting; people are so foolish and irritating, so sensitive. They are just another form of temporary entertainment for me, something to pass the time and calm my boredom from ADHD.

Even the people I like (or at least those I feel closest to), they eventually tire me out, like a toy that stops being fun, or they abandon me for their boyfriends/partners.

It’s a constant boredom, but I don’t mind being alone, I don’t mind having someone or being alone in life. I think what I’m looking for in life is just to feel good—both with myself, because I know I’m different from most people, and to reach a state of well-being—something to alleviate my constant boredom or at least soften it.

For the first time in my life, I’m seeking my well-being; I’m looking for health and trying to escape my toxic family environment. I don’t know what the solution is or if I’m just being dramatic. It’s the first time in 20 years—since I was born—that I’m getting to know myself completely, understanding who I really am, what I am, and that maybe—just maybe—I’m different from most people in many significant ways—seeking companionship, friendship, empathy, remorse, sexuality, mind…

It’s the first time I’m understanding… and recognizing… that I might truly be an illithid/devil among animals in heat—or maybe just a very sick and traumatized human because of the abuse I suffered in childhood (or maybe both).

Whatever it is, I don’t know, and I’m trying to find pleasure in life, trying to live. Maybe I’m like that guy—the psychopath who was considered the most friendless man in the world/the most solitary—since I suspect I have psychopathy/sociopathy/ASPD—for many factors I intend to discuss with my psychologist.

This is my venting—and an attempt to understand why suddenly seeing fictional characters having sex/romance makes me feel sick—and I’ll leave this here for people who might feel like I do. I wish happiness for everyone—especially those like me, who go against the masses/are a minority—and I hope I can live well one day, both with myself and with others.

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Obviously, "a lot of people" doesn't mean everyone, there can be many complicated reasons why a marriage can fail, and there's no failsafe guarantee that ours wouldn't, IF we're even allowed to get married in the first place. But it IS a bit of a relief to know that the part some people seem to need to brace themselves for is actually all I ever want.

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Wouldn't be doing ace week right if I didn't mention at least once how much we can't win

[bloggingboutburgers]

Ace week day 2... I'll try to post something a bit happier next time, but sometimes stuff like this needs to come out too