Anyways here is a list of about 200 things I am no longer allowed to do within the UNSC ONI or Spartan Operations, I do not regret any of these
My proper military title is ‘Spartan Sam’ not ‘Princess Anastasia’.
Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
Not allowed to challenge anyone’s disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
Not allowed to play ‘Pulp Fiction’ with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.
Not allowed to add ‘In accordance with the prophesy’ to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don’t like to War Criminal posters.
Not allowed to title any product ‘Get Over it’.
Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on Government time.
Not allowed to join the communist party.
Not allowed to join any militia.
N ot allowed to form any militia.
Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Boston.
Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to ‘Sic Brass!’
Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my ‘Sampson like powers’.
God may not contradict any of my orders.
May no longer perform my now (in)famous ‘Barbie Girl Dance’ while on duty.
May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I’m right.
Must not taunt the Harvestians any more.
Must attempt to not antagonize ODSTs.
Must never call an ODST a ‘Wanker’.
Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they’ve been smoking crack.
Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it’s true.
Never confuse a Revian soldier for a Martian one.
Never tell a German soldier that ‘We kicked your ass in World War 2!’
Don’t take the batteries out of the other Spartan’s alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).
The Irish Spartans are not after ‘Me frosted lucky charms’.
Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.
Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
(Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
Not allowed to sing ‘High Speed Dirt’ by Megadeth during airborne operations. (‘See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I’m off to meet my maker’)
Can’t have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Interplanetary War isn’t over).
Our medic is called ‘Sgt Larwasa’, not ‘Dr. Feelgood’.
Our supply Sgt is ‘Sgt Watkins’ not ‘Sugar Daddy’.
Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
I do not have super-powers.
Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
I am not the atheist chaplain.
I am not authorized to fire officers.
Not allowed to trade military equipment for ‘magic beans’.
Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
Not allowed to quote ‘Dr Seuss’ on military operations.
Not allowed to yell ‘Take that Cobra’ at the rifle range.
Not allowed to quote ‘Full Metal Jacket ‘ at the rifle range.
‘Napalm sticks to kids’ is *not* a motivational phrase.
An order to ‘Put Kiwi on my boots’ does *not* involve fruit.
An order to ‘Make my Boots black and shiny’ does not involve electrical tape.
The proper response to a lawful order is not ‘Why?’
The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- based, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Arcadian yoga, Gotterdammerung, or any references to squid.
May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
‘The Giant Space Ants’ are not at the top of my chain of command.
It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Spartan Sam.
Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
There is no ‘Anti-Mime’ campaign on Harvest.
I am not the Spartan Ops Mascot.
I may not line my helmet with tin foil to ‘Block out the space mind control lasers’.
May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper on duty
I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them “You don’t need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for.”
I may not call block my chain of command.
I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
Not allowed to wear MJOLNIR to any army functions.
May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
May not form any press gangs.
Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with “I recently had an experience I just had to write you about….”
Must not use military vehicles to ‘Squish’ things.
May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the ‘field of honor’.
If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
Must not refer to the Commander as ‘Dad’.
I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony ‘Romper Bomper Stomper Boo’ is probably not appropriate.
Crucifixes do not ward off ONI officers, and I should not test that.
I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not ‘Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.’
A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.
Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.
Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are “casualties of war”.
My commander is not old enough to have fought in the Second American Civil War, and I should stop implying that he did.
Vodka, green food coloring, and a ‘Cool Mint’ Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.
I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.
I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, Unggoy, Kalishnikovs, Covenant Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.
Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.
Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for the UEG.
I am not authorized to change national policy in the Eastern Orion Arm.
Never, ever, attempt to correct a Spartan II about anything.
I am not qualified to operate any Covenant, UNSC, Banished, or Swords of Sanghelios Armored vehicles.
I cannot trade my CO to the Covies.
Crucifying mice – bad idea.
Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires – therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
I cannot arrest children for being rude.
An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.
Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.
I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Sangheli, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.
Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
‘No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages’ does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable.
“Shpadoinkle” is not a real word.
The Microsoft ® ‘Dancing Paperclip’ is not authorized to countermand any orders.
‘I’m drunk’ is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.
The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.
The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.
The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.
Shouting ‘Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole ****ing village!’ while out on a mission is bad.
Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Sangheli Combat Harness, messily drunk.
Even if my commander did it.
I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.
Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove ‘The Pen is Mightier than the sword’.
I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
J should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.
Putting red ‘Mike and Ike’s’ ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.
Must not create new ONI forms, then insist they be filled out.
On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.
The proper way to report to my Commander is ‘Spartan Sam, reporting as ordered, Sir’ not ‘You can’t prove a thing!’
The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or MJOLNIR oil.
Shouldn’t treat ‘piss-bottles’ with extra-strength icy hot.
Teaching Sangheli children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.
I will no longer perform ‘lap-dances’ while in MJOLNIR.
The revolution is not now.
When detained by MP’s, I do not have a right to a strip search.
No part of the MJOLNIR armor is edible.
Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.
Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
There is no such thing as a were-virgin.
I do not get ‘that time of month’.
No, the pants are not optional.
Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.
Not allowed to ‘defect’ to Covenant during training missions.
On training missions, try not to shoot down the General’s helicopter.
‘A full magazine and some privacy’ is not the way to help a potential suicide.
I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it’s actually ONI policy).
We do not ‘charge into battle, naked, like the Celts’.
Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.
I am not to refer to a formation as ‘the boxy rectangle thingie’.
I am not ‘A lesbian trapped in a man’s body’.
On Army documents, my race is not ‘Other’.
Nor is it ‘Secretariat, in the third’.
Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.
There is no FM for ‘wall-to-wall counseling’.
My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®
When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something ‘I saw in a cartoon’.
My name is not a killing word.
I am not the Emperor of anything.
Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.
May not challenge officers to ‘Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn’.
Must not make s’mores while on guard duty.
Our Warthogs cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
The proper response to a briefing is not ‘That’s what you think’.
The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.
Shouldn’t take incriminating photos of my chain of command.
Shouldn’t use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.
I am not allowed to give Spartan augmentations
Not allowed to lead a ‘Coup’ during training missions.
I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.
My chain of command is not interested in why I ‘just happen’ to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.
Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.
Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the “Safety Dance” and the “Safety Briefing” are never to be combined.
“To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys” is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.
NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an “Easter Desecration.”
Don’t write up false gigs on a Warthog PMCS. (“Broken clutch pedal”, “Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs”, “flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged”)
Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civlians who are “hearing conversations” from the CMA, ONI, UNSC and SoS due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.
Must not make T-shirts up depciting a Grunt with the writing “Breath Oxygen or Die” in Unggoy to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to their homeworld.
Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don’t have, even if the ONI tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.
Do not convince NCO’s that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.
Do not change Smart AI’s avatars to “obscene” things or pictures of my Cat
Do not show up to the UNSC Infinity in a “Anime Bunnysuit and fishnets”
Do not use a 560 year old H&K XM8 because ‘it looks enough like a battle rifle’
Well, that concludes the list. I probably shouldn’t have done some of these, but I definitely don’t regret the second to last (I looked hot AF).
izzy806
ellievsbear
