This was way too high effort, it took me like 20 minutes for this shitpost
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@gameknigh
This was way too high effort, it took me like 20 minutes for this shitpost
Are Spartans allowed internet access?
One just asked for a tumblr account
Since the Spartans are already declassified, sure. What could possibly go wrong?
Very much.
I am going to fucking sob. This person is either stupid or taking the piss. If you know what ONI is, then you know how bad they are.90% of the time theyâre talked about by people who arenât obsessed with the lore itâs talking about how they KIDNAPPED CHILDREN, brainwashed them, and did some severe augments to their body which killed or disabled multiple children, all to fight some terrorists, the covenant didnât exist when the Spartans were made.
And thatâs just the surface lore the average guy knows. If you go deeper they actively arm (and helped) alien terrorists, almost committed a genocide by making a strain of crop that would kill most of the elite population, l DURING A CEASE FIRE. They tested with the flood on prisoners and pows, which is a war crime and morally wrong.
Thatâs all I could think of off the top of my head, but thereâs a lot more. Just imagine the CIA but like 100x more evil and with almost no regulation or morals.
They are called Human Rights for a reason, it doesnât mention little grey crabs or massive monkeys.
Glyke had it coming.
0 x100 is still zero.
What does your helmet smell like?
Outside: Metal. Shield generator. Dirt.
Inside: Air scrubbers. Sometimes me. New helmet smell if I screwed up bad enough in the last month or so.
what's a new helmet smell like exactly?
Plastic, mostly. Takes a while for that to settle down. Helps if you can wash out the liner and let it air.
There's a good period you get into for a bit where it doesn't smell new, but the old helmet stink hasn't set in yet.
R&D should work on extending that.
What does shield generator smell like? I know⊠i uhh just canât describe it⊠for a friend.
Oh lucky spartans with your "shield-generators" us odsts dont need shields to die en mass
Oh you guys have âstaminaâ, cry me a river
halo should have even more guys named john, it gets funnier every time
Arbiter Jahâann Vadamee
arbiter in a funky dress
That is the most funky of dresses
my stupid son
(a cat)
You canât mention having a car and *not* post a picture of said cat
What does your helmet smell like?
Outside: Metal. Shield generator. Dirt.
Inside: Air scrubbers. Sometimes me. New helmet smell if I screwed up bad enough in the last month or so.
what's a new helmet smell like exactly?
Plastic, mostly. Takes a while for that to settle down. Helps if you can wash out the liner and let it air.
There's a good period you get into for a bit where it doesn't smell new, but the old helmet stink hasn't set in yet.
R&D should work on extending that.
What does shield generator smell like? I know⊠i uhh just canât describe it⊠for a friend.
Chief, how did you get through interacting with Del Rio without punching or strangling him once?
I can't afford impulses like that.
And I didn't need to do anything physically to work past Del Rio anyway.
He'd already lost that crew.
Donât worry John, I gave him a good smack for ya
You didn't think you'd get rid of us that easy, did you?
Oh, no, not me.
I never lost control.
IT'S FINALLY TIME
PUT ON YOUR PARTY HATS AND GET READY
In honor of Rtas Vadum's birthday on September 21, 2023, Halobirthdays is hosting an Rtas-themed birthday give away!!
What's included?
The winner will receive:
One (1) copy of Halo: Fractures
One (1) copy of the Halo Graphic Novel
One (1) unassembled, unpainted 3D print of a Kerel-pattern assault carrier** (like our girl Shadow of Intent)
One (1) high-res, watermark-free print of the commission created by @destinysquared, which I have affectionately dubbed "Rtas Pondering His Orb"
One (1) high-res, watermark-free print of the commission created by @ab-rinart
The cost of shipping and handling will be covered by Halobirthdays
**Listen to me. Read that again. The example shown is a 3D render. The winner will receive a plastic, unassembled, unpainted model, which measures around 7inx4in. The model includes supports that were added during printing that need to be removed. I will send the winner instructions on how to get it ship-shape (pun intended).
How do I enter?
You must be following Halobirthdays
One (1) like and one (1) reblog of this post will count as an entry, for a total of two (2) entries max per user
You must have an address within the contiguous United States
You must be eighteen years or older to enter
When will a winner be selected?
This give away will run from the moment of this posting until 12:00AM EST on September 22, 2023. After that, the entries will be tallied and a winner will be randomly selected as soon as possible. Halobirthdays will contact the winner via Tumblr direct message. The winner has 24 hours to come forward and claim the prize. If they do not come forward, a new winner will be randomly selected.
Please make it clear that you are not a bot by tagging the post, and/or adding an icon and banner to your blog. It's not required, but reblogs and likes from bot or give away accounts will be blocked.
Fine print below the cut:
Happy birthday to Shipmaster Rtas 'Vadum!
Today is his -464th birthday!
Rtas was born on Sanghelios and raised in a keep by the sea. He spent much of his childhood exploring the shoreline and hunting the creatures within. He graduated with honors from a top war college, setting the course for his advancement.
By 2552, he held the rank of Special Operations Commander, specializing in discreet, unconventional warfare--often answering directly to a Hierarch. He served under then-Supreme Commander Thel 'Vadam(ee), who tasked him with investigating the agricultural support ship Infinite Succor, which sent the fleet a distress beacon. Once on board, 'Vadum(ee) discovered that the ship had been overtaken by the Flood, making him one of the first to encounter the outbreak from Installation 04. Recognizing the threat of the Flood spreading, he and his team fought their way to the bridge to initiate self-destruction protocols. Before he could escape, he was forced to fight his Flood-infected comrade, Bero 'Kusovai, who had been his best swordsman. During the engagement, the Flood form cut off 'Vadum's left mandibles with an energy sword, leaving him permanently maimed.
After the destruction of Installation 04, he and Thel 'Vadam were given a mission to find and kill Sesa 'Refumee, a Covenant defector who was labeled a heretic for his (correct) denial of the Great Journey. By this point, his once-superior Thel 'Vadam had been publicly shamed, stripped of his title, and was appointed as the Arbiter. Though Rtas lost respect for Thel, he still recognized him as a skilled warrior and valuable asset.
Anyways here is a list of about 200 things I am no longer allowed to do within the UNSC ONI or Spartan Operations, I do not regret any of these
My proper military title is âSpartan Samâ not âPrincess Anastasiaâ.
Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
Not allowed to challenge anyoneâs disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
Not allowed to play âPulp Fictionâ with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.
Not allowed to add âIn accordance with the prophesyâ to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
Not allowed to add pictures of officers I donât like to War Criminal posters.
Not allowed to title any product âGet Over itâ.
Not allowed to purchase anyoneâs soul on Government time.
Not allowed to join the communist party.
Not allowed to join any militia.
N ot allowed to form any militia.
Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Boston.
Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to âSic Brass!â
Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my âSampson like powersâ.
God may not contradict any of my orders.
May no longer perform my now (in)famous âBarbie Girl Danceâ while on duty.
May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if Iâm right.
Must not taunt the Harvestians any more.
Must attempt to not antagonize ODSTs.
Must never call an ODST a âWankerâ.
Must never ask anyone who outranks me if theyâve been smoking crack.
Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if itâs true.
Never confuse a Revian soldier for a Martian one.
Never tell a German soldier that âWe kicked your ass in World War 2!â
Donât take the batteries out of the other Spartanâs alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).
The Irish Spartans are not after âMe frosted lucky charmsâ.
Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.
Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
(Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
Not allowed to sing âHigh Speed Dirtâ by Megadeth during airborne operations. (âSee the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, Iâm off to meet my makerâ)
Canât have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Interplanetary War isnât over).
Our medic is called âSgt Larwasaâ, not âDr. Feelgoodâ.
Our supply Sgt is âSgt Watkinsâ not âSugar Daddyâ.
Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
I do not have super-powers.
Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
I am not the atheist chaplain.
I am not authorized to fire officers.
Not allowed to trade military equipment for âmagic beansâ.
Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
Not allowed to quote âDr Seussâ on military operations.
Not allowed to yell âTake that Cobraâ at the rifle range.
Not allowed to quote âFull Metal Jacket â at the rifle range.
âNapalm sticks to kidsâ is *not* a motivational phrase.
An order to âPut Kiwi on my bootsâ does *not* involve fruit.
An order to âMake my Boots black and shinyâ does not involve electrical tape.
The proper response to a lawful order is not âWhy?â
The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- based, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Arcadian yoga, Gotterdammerung, or any references to squid.
May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
âThe Giant Space Antsâ are not at the top of my chain of command.
It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Spartan Sam.
Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
There is no âAnti-Mimeâ campaign on Harvest.
I am not the Spartan Ops Mascot.
I may not line my helmet with tin foil to âBlock out the space mind control lasersâ.
May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper on duty
I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them âYou donât need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for.â
I may not call block my chain of command.
I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
Not allowed to wear MJOLNIR to any army functions.
May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
May not form any press gangs.
Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with âI recently had an experience I just had to write you aboutâŠ.â
Must not use military vehicles to âSquishâ things.
May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the âfield of honorâ.
If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
Must not refer to the Commander as âDadâ.
I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony âRomper Bomper Stomper Booâ is probably not appropriate.
Nerve gas is not funny.
Crucifixes do not ward off ONI officers, and I should not test that.
I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not âTell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.â
A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.
Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.
Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are âcasualties of warâ.
My commander is not old enough to have fought in the Second American Civil War, and I should stop implying that he did.
Vodka, green food coloring, and a âCool Mintâ ListerineÂź bottle is not a good combination.
I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.
I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, Unggoy, Kalishnikovs, Covenant Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CDâs.
Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.
Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for the UEG.
I am not authorized to change national policy in the Eastern Orion Arm.
Never, ever, attempt to correct a Spartan II about anything.
I am not qualified to operate any Covenant, UNSC, Banished, or Swords of Sanghelios Armored vehicles.
I cannot trade my CO to the Covies.
Crucifying mice â bad idea.
Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires â therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
I cannot arrest children for being rude.
An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.
Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.
I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Sangheli, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.
Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
âNo Drinking Of Alcoholic Beveragesâ does not imply that a Jack Danielâs Âź IV is acceptable.
âShpadoinkleâ is not a real word.
The Microsoft Âź âDancing Paperclipâ is not authorized to countermand any orders.
âIâm drunkâ is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.
The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.
The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.
The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.
Shouting âLetâs do the village! Letâs do the whole ****ing village!â while out on a mission is bad.
Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Sangheli Combat Harness, messily drunk.
Even if my commander did it.
I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.
Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove âThe Pen is Mightier than the swordâ.
I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
J should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke Âź.
Putting red âMike and Ikeâsâ Âź into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.
Must not create new ONI forms, then insist they be filled out.
On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.
The proper way to report to my Commander is âSpartan Sam, reporting as ordered, Sirâ not âYou canât prove a thing!â
The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or MJOLNIR oil.
Shouldnât treat âpiss-bottlesâ with extra-strength icy hot.
Teaching Sangheli children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.
I will no longer perform âlap-dancesâ while in MJOLNIR.
The revolution is not now.
When detained by MPâs, I do not have a right to a strip search.
No part of the MJOLNIR armor is edible.
Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.
Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
Take that hat off.
There is no such thing as a were-virgin.
I do not get âthat time of monthâ.
No, the pants are not optional.
Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.
Not allowed to âdefectâ to Covenant during training missions.
On training missions, try not to shoot down the Generalâs helicopter.
âA full magazine and some privacyâ is not the way to help a potential suicide.
I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
Furby Âź is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, itâs actually ONI policy).
We do not âcharge into battle, naked, like the Celtsâ.
Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.
I am not to refer to a formation as âthe boxy rectangle thingieâ.
I am not âA lesbian trapped in a manâs bodyâ.
On Army documents, my race is not âOtherâ.
Nor is it âSecretariat, in the thirdâ.
PokémonŸ trainer is not an MOS.
There is no FM for âwall-to-wall counselingâ.
My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. Âź
When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something âI saw in a cartoonâ.
My name is not a killing word.
I am not the Emperor of anything.
Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.
May not challenge officers to âMeet me on the field of honor, at dawnâ.
Must not make sâmores while on guard duty.
Our Warthogs cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
The proper response to a briefing is not âThatâs what you thinkâ.
The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.
Shouldnât take incriminating photos of my chain of command.
Shouldnât use Photoshop Âź to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.
I am not allowed to give Spartan augmentations
Not allowed to lead a âCoupâ during training missions.
I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.
My chain of command is not interested in why I âjust happenâ to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.
Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.
Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the âSafety Danceâ and the âSafety Briefingâ are never to be combined.
âTo conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeysâ is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.
NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an âEaster Desecration.â
Donât write up false gigs on a Warthog PMCS. (âBroken clutch pedalâ, âNumber three turbine has frequent flame-outsâ, âflux capacitor emits loud whine when engagedâ)
Not allowed to get shot.
Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civlians who are âhearing conversationsâ from the CMA, ONI, UNSC and SoS due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.
Must not make T-shirts up depciting a Grunt with the writing âBreath Oxygen or Dieâ in Unggoy to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to their homeworld.
Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I donât have, even if the ONI tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.
Do not convince NCOâs that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.
Do not lick Spartan IIs
Do not change Smart AIâs avatars to âobsceneâ things or pictures of my Cat
Do not show up to the UNSC Infinity in a âAnime Bunnysuit and fishnetsâ
Do not use a 560 year old H&K XM8 because âit looks enough like a battle rifleâ
Well, that concludes the list. I probably shouldnât have done some of these, but I definitely donât regret the second to last (I looked hot AF).
Not allowed to ride a bomb with a cowboy hat
Not to use a "see more" line In your tumblr post
Not allowed to abuse reclaimer status
Not allowed to akimbo officer model M6D magnums
Not allowed to use Forerunner combat skins
(Next day) Not allowed to not explain how I acquired, used, or lost a Forerunner combat skin to ONI
Not allowed to modify Covenant weapons, especially plasma pistols
Not allowed to cut a needler in half to âsee how in the everloving fuck it worksâ
Not allowed to put needler crystals in frag grenades
Not allowed to bring rifles from home
Not allowed to make fun of Thomas Lasky for being Martian⊠on his birthday
Not allowed to punt grunts
Not allowed to go to any more Halo Rings
Not allowed to sing Godâs Gonna Cut You Down by Johnny Cash while on spec op missions
Not allowed to speak Russian (unless absolutely necessary)
âŠor Italian
Not allowed to die
Not allowed to bring coffee maker from home on missions
Not allowed to play Fortunate Son on my armorâs speaker system, especially while in a Falcon
Not allowed to kill somebody for being a communist
Not allowed to bring more than one knife on deployment
Not allowed to punch a hole through someone for claiming something is propaganda (it is literally the story of humanity survived extinction from the covenant)
Not allowed to pilot forerunner warships
Not allowed to request for my armor to be painted metallic silver and for a red VISR
And especially not allowed to go around demanding the location of âJohn Connorâ and threatening civilians for it after aforementioned armor customization
Not allowed to bullpup weapons
Or un-bullpup weapons
Especially ones whose basis operation is unknown to human and of alien origin
Not allowed to make fun of people for using night vision goggles
Not allowed to sing ABBA songs⊠any of them
One of the worst things about working for ONI is that every now and then the pizza delivery guy will try to kill and replace you.
But, well. We can usually get our money back on those orders, so...
Sometimes when at my apartment and the pizza delivery comes I will put on my MJOLNIR and answer the door in it for shits and giggles.
Just donât ask how I got a Spartan Peeler into my apartment⊠or how I got it at all in the first place.
Hey ONI, what's the current procedure on dealing with a S-IV that keeps dropping some solid confidential documents and details to one up another near non-official civilians? I swear I heard one kept speaking of dropping a 'Nova bomb' on a hingehead world.
If you go over the roster, you'll find that such Spartan IVs have never existed.
They've never existed.
Donât listen to them Anon, a team of Spartans used a NOVA thermonuclear fission warhead on a Sangheli planet completely destroying the planet. For more information meet me aâ
ERROR USER DISCONNECTED
Me trying to explain to the rest of my ODST squad that silenced smgs and shotguns are not always the most effective option (sarge (my sister) said they could take whatever they wanted from the armoury for this mission) (I'm the only one with a long or mid range weapon) (we're going to fucking die)
8 gauge shotguns have an effective range of nearly 100 meters. 300 if you use longer range slugs.
So cry about it smh.
Wait. They supply you with slugs? The fuck? I haven't seen anything but birdshot since 2552, which, well very nice at dealing with covvie shields is shit at any big distance considering birds don't have armour but covvies do.
You should speak to your unitâs sugar daddy supply Sargent and ask for AP, Sabot, or HE slugs.
Our supply Sargent "supplies" us by handing us a box with like seven (if we're lucky) loose 7.62 rounds. We get ammo by stealing from the Delta-Three odsts lol
Now I know you are probably talking about 7.62x51 for a MAâ or DMR, but I imagine itâs like two of those, a 7.62x39 for a Kalashnikov, and like four 7.62x25 handgun rounds.
Anyways I would ask for someone higher up. I wouldnât be shocked if some poor marines got your treatment, but ODSTs is kinda shocking tbh.
I think it's gods way of punishing delta three actually. I mean they deserve it. Also last month it was a whole three 7.62Ă51 rounds. No 7.62Ă39 though which sucked because I'm making a vest out of our Kalashnikov rounds. I got the idea when we got some 5.45Ă39 Kalashnikov as a treat 2 years ago. The 5.45 are the stripes.
What did Delta Three do???
I don't think I'm aloud to talk about my fellow soldier in a rude way on the official UNSC blog but I'll just say they're the ones you used to terrorize
Actually, I just thought of this.
Why is an ODST running the UNSC blog? I thought youâd be a random intern? What happens if you like⊠die?
Me trying to explain to the rest of my ODST squad that silenced smgs and shotguns are not always the most effective option (sarge (my sister) said they could take whatever they wanted from the armoury for this mission) (I'm the only one with a long or mid range weapon) (we're going to fucking die)
8 gauge shotguns have an effective range of nearly 100 meters. 300 if you use longer range slugs.
So cry about it smh.
Wait. They supply you with slugs? The fuck? I haven't seen anything but birdshot since 2552, which, well very nice at dealing with covvie shields is shit at any big distance considering birds don't have armour but covvies do.
You should speak to your unitâs sugar daddy supply Sargent and ask for AP, Sabot, or HE slugs.
Our supply Sargent "supplies" us by handing us a box with like seven (if we're lucky) loose 7.62 rounds. We get ammo by stealing from the Delta-Three odsts lol
Now I know you are probably talking about 7.62x51 for a MAâ or DMR, but I imagine itâs like two of those, a 7.62x39 for a Kalashnikov, and like four 7.62x25 handgun rounds.
Anyways I would ask for someone higher up. I wouldnât be shocked if some poor marines got your treatment, but ODSTs is kinda shocking tbh.
I think it's gods way of punishing delta three actually. I mean they deserve it. Also last month it was a whole three 7.62Ă51 rounds. No 7.62Ă39 though which sucked because I'm making a vest out of our Kalashnikov rounds. I got the idea when we got some 5.45Ă39 Kalashnikov as a treat 2 years ago. The 5.45 are the stripes.
What did Delta Three do???