Not today Justin
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Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
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@gamktheonion
This pressure in my chest
Am I having a heart attack?
When I think of you
I want everything, I want the world
But I don't want anything that isn't you
The pain makes me feel more alive than ever
But it's so intense it could kill me
I'm afraid to say those words
I'm afraid it's just an illusion …
-gamk
What is loneliness?
I would describe it as a void in the soul, a hole that cannot be filled by anyone. I believe that loneliness has much more to do with us than with other people, it can be a sad outlook on life, but in the end we are born and die alone. The illusion of having people by our side is just a sweet illusion we create to comfort ourselves, there is no guarantee in the world that people won't betray or abandon us, we don't know what they really think of us and how far they would go for us. What I'm trying to say is that life is lonely, maybe for the vast majority of people that realization of life will take longer to arrive or maybe it won't arrive at all, but everyone has their own life and the only person who is going to be 100% dedicated to your life and understand it at that 100% is yourself. This is probably the most difficult feeling to accept, because it hurts, and it hurts a lot...
Ps. This question took my sleep, a few nights ago and I wanted to share my "conclusion" here. It hurt a little to realize and even more to deal with this loneliness of the soul. I wanted to know more from you guys, who are like a great diary of strangers and who deep down make me feel so welcomed and free to write about my thoughts, what is loneliness?
-gamk
forever
Maybe the word forever
Wasn't meant for people
For places
Relationships
In a world so unstable
Nothing can be so concrete
Even a word
Even an idea
Only memories can carry
The immutability of affection forever
-gamk
I wanted to be a psychopath
To have no emotions
No pain, no remorse, not even worry
A life without the pain caused
By the people you love most
Those who should protect you
Who should love you
I wanted to kill my feelings
I wanted to stop caring
I wanted to suffocate that part of me
That wants everything to be again
That fantasy of long ago
gamk
Deep down I always knew
But I never admitted it
So I created this mask
To hide the truth from me and from everyone
I never loved myself
Never accepted me or welcomed me
I learned to live with my company
And to tolerate and repress the hate I feel when I look in the mirror
I got used to wearing a mask when going out on the street
So that at least others won't see what a failure I am
I wanted you so much
I wanted so much to spend my days knowing that you are mine
But fear consumes me
If you reject me
I'd rather die
But try
Even the slightest bit
And fail, for me it's the same
I'm afraid to die alone
And afraid to be loved
Because deep down I know
That anyone deserves someone better than me
-gamk
It's funny to think
That the constant feeling
I have of wanting to disappear
In reality is
The constant feeling
Of wanting to be found
With soft, pointed thorns
Arrives slowly, with the familiar air
Of one who has been here before
And knows where to step
And where to strike
How to run from something that can't catch me
How to escape from a killer who has no face
How can I be a victim of my own feelings
Of my own fears
-gamk
Sneakily he arrives
Almost like an assassin
This pain in my chest that suffocates me
That takes away my air and my joy
Reminds me that happiness is fleeting
That I can't run away from the truth
I'm all fucked up
trapped in this fucked up world
And no matter how hard I try to escape
Emptiness and sadness always find me
No matter how hard I try to be happy
I know that sooner or later it's gonna end
I can't even cry
-gamk
I’m a disappointment
I’m a mistake
I’m useless
Weak
I add nothing to anyone
Why does anyone want me around?
Fake
All fake
Nobody cares about me
Even I don't care about myself anymore
Honestly, I just cry out of frustration
Frustration for who I can never be
Frustration for the life I'll never live
Will I ever be able to forgive you?
I don't know, but today
You are dead to me
-gamk
Your recent favourite poetry & Do suggest a poetry book.
My favorite poem is by a poet from my country, I will leave it here for you:
Without Medicine, by Florbela Espanca
Those who have much love for me
Don't know what I feel and what I am
They don't know that one day pain passed
At my door, and that day it entered.
And it is since then that I feel this dread
This cold that walks within me, and freezes
What good has Our Lord done to me!
If I don't even know where I am going and where I intend to go!
I feel the steps of pain, this cadence
Which is already an endless torture, which is dementia!
Which is already a mad desire to scream!
And which is always the same sadness, the same boredom
the same deep anguish, without medicine,
Following me, without letting go!
About the book indication, my favorite at the moment is "shame is an ocean I swim across" by Mary lambert. If you read it, I hope you enjoy it ❤️
would anyone be able to love me?
I think I'm not enough to make someone happy
I think I am incapable of being happy
I'm just a heap of failures
Frustrations and disappointments
Full of wounds and traumas
Beaten like a punching bag
How can anyone love
A being that is thrown in the gutter?
-gamk
And at the end of the day
When I lie down
I feel like a baby
But without its mother
It's just a vulnerable piece of meat
Just another person lying in bed
Not even able to dream
Thrown like garbage
Disposable to anyone
-gamk
For a second, I close my eyes
And from the top of the building
I cry out to the world
With all my anguish
All my fear and despair
“WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE"?
My answer is silence
The deafening silence
In the midst of the storm
My tears were already mingling with the rain
And I felt I could fly
with the cozy windstorm
That took over my body and my mind
-gamk
Nothing I do is good enough
No matter how hard I try
Will you ever be able to be proud of me ?
Would I ever be able to be proud of myself?
Will I be able to fill this hole in my chest?
Or will I just dig a bigger grave?
-gamk
In the end
It's you for you
We were born alone
And we will die alone
Fight for yourself
No one will do it for you
-gamk
I am sick, sick of myself, of my thoughts. I don't know at what point I started to hate myself so much, I look in the mirror with contempt and feel nothing but disgust. Disgusted with who I have become and who I can't help being. It is already 3 in the morning and I am here sickened by my presence. Sometimes I just wish I wasn't me, I'm pathetic.