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Chancellor Yang Caught Using Study Drugs to Complete End-of-Quarter Paperwork

            Last week, Chancellor Yang admitted to violating UCSB’s academic integrity policy by using Adderall and Vyvanse to help him finish last-minute paperwork for the quarter. The chancellor was hunched over his desk, cutting 85 milligrams of powder Vyvanse into the words “GO GAUCHOS” when his wife caught him. Despite Mrs. Chancellor Yang’s insistence that he come clean to students and faculty, Yang continued using undetected until he tweeted “need more V. how soon will you be ready?” While Yang’s PR team originally claimed the tweet was intended for his wife, the chancellor decided to be honest and upfront about his pill habits. In his speech, Yang admitted to using study drugs, but qualified his actions with this statement: “I am not addicted to Adderall, Vyvanse, or any other study drugs to help me get work done. I only use them during the middle-of-the-quarter hump when I have a long university announcement to write, or at the end of the quarter when I have to handle a lot of last-minute paperwork concerning forging athletes grades. I can definitely quit whenever I want.” The chancellor is not alone, however, as the UC Statistics Department recently released the following study results: in 2012, 73% of UC teaching faculty admitted to abusing study drugs to help them finish grading and paperwork. An anonymous teacher in the College of Engineering told Gaucho Marks reporters, “I take one 70mg extended-release Adderall with my morning breakfast, followed by nine hours of nonstop work, punctuated by frequent cigarette breaks to take off the edge, and a 30-minute nap.  When I wake up, I drink three energy drinks so I don’t get groggy, and then I just keep working until it hurts to keep my eyes open.” “It just makes me feel a lot smarter,” added the source. Due to the high faculty-doping rate, Gaucho Marks decided to take this investigation a step further and ask the student body how prevalent study-drug use was in their lives. We sent out 750 true-or-false surveys about UCSB life that included the statement, “I have used study drugs at one point in my college career to help me study for a test, write a paper, complete an assignment, or for recreation” to see whether or not students had also been affected by the study-drug epidemic. All 750 responses were negative.

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Isla Vista Soup Kitchen Falls Short of Food Critic's Expectations

New and impressive restaurants pop up every fall in Santa Barbara. The Isla Vista Soup Kitchen is not one of those restaurants. Established this year by the AS Food Bank, the Isla Vista Soup Kitchen lacks the tasteful, festive atmosphere that other Santa Barbara soup kitchens conjure with their Thanksgiving dinner. The smells of urine and cranberry sauce linger in the doorway. I must stand in a long line to enter because mandatory Breathalyzer tests are being administered by off-duty CSO volunteers. Third-year sociology major Audrey Hall waits by the door, accepting donations. “It smells like piss because [the patrons of the IV soup kitchen], piss right outside,” Hall says. “They’re basically conditioned to pee in public. There’s really nothing we can do about it.” Hall stands with bags of empty aluminum cans. These collected cans are used to fund the dinner; most are confiscated from the people in line. Once finally inside the establishment, I am unimpressed by the decorations. No giant ice sculptures of turkeys adorn the entryway and not every table has a centerpiece. Painted hand turkeys pepper the wall like blemishes, colored and designed sporadically by Mrs. Karr’s 2nd grade class. A truly pathetic display of this nation’s beloved day of thanks. The food is served buffet style. Reminiscent of breakfast, the turkey is turkey bacon, the mashed potatoes are hash browns (still frozen) and the berry cobbler is a box of generic cherry pop-tarts (Made with Real Fruit. The meal does not outright disgust me, but the customer service is lackluster. The servers distribute portions and courtesy frugally, and I hear not one “Happy Thanksgiving!” or compliment on my homemade pilgrim costume. In fact, nobody dresses up for the occasion. The sight of the crowd is, in a word, bleak. I do not recommend the Thanksgiving dinner at the Isla Vista Soup Kitchen to anyone who has ever been to an actual restaurant. If you find yourself without a way home this Thanksgiving, consider yourself not homeless but rather in the equally compromising position of calling Domino's, splurging on extra toppings, and giving thanks that you've given yourself the gift of delivery.

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Yelp! Reviews from Spearmint Rhino’s New Solvang Branch

Everyone's favorite Santa Barbara strip club and cabaret has opened a new branch in the little Danish community of Solvang, attracting visitors from across the state seeking a sniff of Ophelia's flowers, if you get our drift. Gaucho Marks' intrepid reporters and sex-industry insiders compiled a list of the first Yelp! reviews for the new gentlemen's joint to help you decide whether to be, or not to be, at this fine establishment. Mike R.            1 Star               10/28/13 Goleta, CA These girls look worse than the horse and buggy parked outside. I was hoping for some quality Danish ass bouncin’ up on me, or at least some sort of milkmaid fetish thing, but these girls were so frigid you were lucky to get a group folk dance. There were lulls in between dancers, during which goats came on stage and munched on the excess hay. If you are looking for some sweet strudel-crotch, I’d look elsewhere because the Spearmint Rhino in Solvang is a real heifer farm. P.S. Not sure if the manure smell was the dancers or their ride home. Derek W.          4 Stars             10/31/13 Paso Robles, CA Let me tell ya, I am NO ROOKIE to strip clubs, and I was pleasantly surprised by the Solvang branch. The girls in traditional, colorful apron-garb still showed off plenty of thigh and titty. I was lucky enough to go on “Hans Christian Andersen” night, so there were several ladies doing the Little Mermaid special: 20% off on all dances from women wearing (uncannily life-like) tail fins. Elliot B.            3 Stars              11/3/13 Santa Maria, CA I’ll start off by saying that writing a review for a strip club isn’t something I would normally do. In truth, going to a strip club isn’t either, but divorce does funny things to a guy. I found myself a little existentially lost amidst the shaking bottoms, lantern light, and soft clog footsteps, but then Aganis came and gave me a complimentary lap dance that raised my spirits, among other things. Andrew H.       3 Stars              11/7/13 Los Angeles, CA Not the sexiest butter cookies, but they’ll do. Ask for the windmill special. Michael P.       4 Stars              11/8/13 Carpentaria, CA  The women are lackluster, but the breakfast buffet is out of this world! Every variety of pork, fresh rye bread, sausage soaked in Carlbserg Beer, some decent poached fish if you’re into that, traditional and extremely succulent meatballs are also an option. Turns out the Danes basically invented the sandwich, so enjoy the Netherland’s finest both at the buffet and in the private dance rooms. Alex M.            5 Stars              11/12/13 Thousand Oaks, CA I attend a university close to Solvang—won’t say which one—but you can bet it’s not Westmont. A couple of buddies and I felt like hitting the slots, but it was 3 in the morning and Chumash was too far. Instead, we decided to blow our financial aid at the new Spearmint Rhino in Solvang. Butter churning butterfaces abound at this place, but that made Helga shine all the more radiantly. This fraulein’s private dance was so good I had to hold onto her thick Dutch braids to keep up. But the price was steep: all I can say is thank god for student loans.

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Queer Spanish Teacher Forces Students to Conjugate Verbs with Preferred Gender Pronouns

On Thursday afternoon, Professor Gloria Escalante’s Spanish 2 class sat through their first midterm of the quarter, struggling to remember the proper use of the imperfect and situations which called for the formal “usted”. Though most students wouldn’t consider a second-level Spanish test particularly difficult, Escalante’s exam included an unorthodox demand: the conjugation of verbs with preferred gender pronouns. Escalante, a bisexual who identifies with the pronoun “hir,” believes that forcing hir students to memorize verb conjugations for multiple alternative gender pronouns is the best way to get students acclimated to the higher concepts of gender theory and creates a wider safe zone for people such as hirself. “Most students enter college with little or no background in gender fluidity, leaving the queer community at the mercy of their ignorance,” said Escalante. “Since I ask my students to memorize Spanish conjugations for the myriad gender pronouns within the LGBTQIA spectrum, they are getting sensitivity training whether they like it or not.” Escalante’s addition comprised of approximately twelve extra pronouns per verb to the conjugational sections of hir examinations, followed by an essay prompting the student to mediate situations in which queers are victimized. Many of hir students view the extra work as an immense and tedious chore. “I conjugated ‘llamarse’ in the preterite, future, and imperative tense, and it took me forty five minutes,” said second year Jordan Bloom after failing to complete Escalante’s midterm. “If this is supposed to make me more sensitive to queer issues, it isn’t working—now I just really hate those people.” Within days, queer interest groups across campus got wind of the exam and expressed their unanimous support. “Having already asserted my pronoun preference to every single English speaker I’ve ever encountered, I’m glad Professor Escalante is offering me and my peers a chance to do the same for Spanish speakers,” said transgender student and FUQIT member Morgan Fisher. “Now I can stop bitching at my gardener for calling me “ella.” Still, the austerity of Escalante’s demands has shaken numerous students, queers included.  Pangender first year Alex Lucynski told reporters that he believes the drastic workload increase is too high a price for social equality. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for queer rights and a wider safe zone, but I already have a hard time remembering how to conjugate for ‘vosotros,’” said Lucynski. “Expecting students to remember how to use ‘ze,’ ‘ou,’ ‘co,’ ‘ey,’ ‘per,’ ‘jee,’ ‘ve,’ ‘xe,’ or ‘mer’ is a nightmare I wouldn’t bestow on anybody, no matter how cisgendered or ignorant they may be.” “Oh shit, I almost forgot ‘thon,’” added Lucynski, sighing with relief. “That would have been really offensive.” Despite the unpopularity of the midterm, Escalante plans to include preferred gender pronouns on the final exam, which will take place, as usual, on a Saturday morning.

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Dining Commons Host “Carnivore Carrillo Day” to Placate Bloodthirsty Students

After adverse student reactions to the vegetarian friendly “Meatless Monday’s” at De La Guerra dining commons, UCSB Residential Dining Services has decided to establish “Carnivore Carrillo Day” every Friday to serve the general student population’s preferred diets. RDS introduced the meat-only day to “give those tree-hugging jerks a taste of their own, bland tasting medicine,” defending their decision by citing the numerous complaints from meat-loving patrons in regards to the dearth of vegan and vegetarian options. Menu items on the first day include: steak, bacon-wrapped steak, beef pilaf, rice-less jambalaya, and an assortment of sandwich meats with no bread. Dozens of students have already voiced their support for “Carnivore Carrillo Day,” including second year and exclusive meat-eater John Kerwahld. “I usually have meat three to four times a day. I don’t know why, but I just don’t find anything else appetizing,” said Kerwahld while shoving a fistful of gyros into his mouth. “I love my steak basically raw so that I can feel the blood gushing into my mouth when I take a bite. The only sad part about Carnivore Carrillo day to me is that they don’t let us kill our own food before we get to eat it.” Despite a good amount of support, “Carnivore Carrillo Day” has left much of the student body more riled up than when UCSB changed the library toilet paper from 4-ply to 2-ply. Vegan third-year Jordan LaMarche told reporters, “On Fridays I starve because I cannot eat at Carrillo. I cannot even go there if I’m thirsty because all that they have available are eggnog, meat smoothies, and bacon infused whole fat milk.” When asked why he does not just go to Ortega or De La Guerra on Friday’s LaMarche replied, “Well, I live on the end of the 65 block of Del Playa, and Ortega and De La Guerra are all the way across campus. I don’t eat enough protein to make that trek every Friday.” Generally, however, the student body has responded with its usual level of profound indifference. “It’s not my lifestyle,” said fourth year vegetarian Blake Kettermore. “I don’t think I’m better than anybody who eats meat, just like I don’t think those ravenous carnivores are better than me.” “But I’m starting to miss the 4-ply toilet paper in the library bathrooms,” added Kettermore, “because Fridays are really starting to suck.”

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Rookie Patrol Officer Drunk with Power after Only Three MIP’s

While supervising revelers on Del Playa drive last Friday, greenhorn Isla Vista Foot Patrol officer Daniel Jensen became intoxicated on his own power after administering only three minor-in-possession tickets to inebriated students. The officer, who previously admitted to having rarely given MIPs “except a few times with [his] buddies,” celebrated his first Halloween weekend beat with several officers, who “wouldn't stop pushing drunk kids into my hands.” "[Officer Jensen] seemed fine after the first two write-ups, but once he nailed that sophomore for carrying an open handle of Taka, he went fucking nuts," said Sergeant Gary Zinn, boasting that he himself needs at least five MIP's just to feel "kind of tipsy" on the adrenaline rush of law enforcement. "He looked so adorable telling kids to respect his authority 'or else' and screaming 'I am the law!' at everybody who walked by. It made me a little nostalgic for my rookie days, I tell ya." At press time, Officer Jensen was reportedly nursing a power hangover by directing some light traffic.

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A.S. Senate Shuts Down after Vote of ‘No Confidence’ in Student Body

[caption id="attachment_592" align="alignleft" width="300"] A.S. Senate debates refusing to serve their "rabid, odious" constituents.[/caption]

The Associated Student Senate shut down completely last Thursday following a unanimous vote of “no confidence” in the UCSB student body.

                The democratically elected group of student officials told reporters at a press conference that they simply refused to work for such “uninformed, self-righteous, completely irrational” people, whose approval they were scrambling desperately to obtain mere months earlier.

                “I ran for Senate because I wanted to prove how fabulously popular I was,” said Off-Campus senator Andre Theus, “not to deal with the ignorant ramblings of a bunch of ugly losers.”

                “I’ll come back when one of my sexier constituents stops by to chat,” added Theus, winking.

                A.S. Senate’s decision to temporarily abandon their posts was preceded by a vote on another “no confidence” resolution, A Resolution in Support of Undocumented Students and Immigrant Communities, which would have expressed, in writing, a lack of faith in recently appointed UC President Janet Napolitano. The resolution’s authors believe that Napolitano’s work as Secretary of Homeland Security, including the deportation of undocumented immigrants, makes her an egregious candidate for her new position. When the resolution failed to receive the necessary two-thirds majority vote from the senators, its supporters were quick to express disappointment in their representatives.

                “I just can’t believe our senators are so cowardly that they wouldn’t openly attack Janet Napolitano the moment she took office,” said third year Chicano Studies major Lisette Acevedo. “How are we supposed to work with her to improve our school’s policies and conditions if she doesn’t know how much we despise her and everything she stands for?”

                Despite the resolution’s eventual rejection, twelve of the twenty-five A.S. senators voted in favor of the resolution, including On-Campus Senator Kimia Hashemian, who thoroughly explained her decision to reporters at Friday’s press conference.

                “I just need people to like me,” said Hashemian. “Really, really, really bad.”

                 But while Hashemian’s fellow senators all exhibit the same compulsive addiction to the approval of their peers, the aftermath of their first controversial decision gave them reason to believe that they would never completely satisfy their constituents. The futility of their desire for campus-wide validation drove their subsequent vote to immediately vacate their offices and stop serving the “bat shit insane” students of UCSB.

                “If they complained about poor student conditions, a lack of diversity, or insufficient funding for overlooked campus organizations, I would have no problem placating the students by pretending to actually care about all of that stuff,” lamented On-Campus Senator Derek Wakefield while packing several OPP campaign t-shirts into a cardboard box. “But when they’re calling me racist and asking me to decry the President of our school, even though she explicitly said she would work to resolve their issues, no amount of pandering, empty rhetoric could ever make them happy.”   

                Indeed, numerous senators have received accusations of racism towards undocumented immigrant students, whom the DHS, while led by Napolitano, marginalized and deported as part of current U.S. immigration policy. Students of all minorities view Senate’s support of Napolitano as a blatant act of xenophobia.   

                “I don’t care if she’s a Democrat, or that she was selected to run a department that was founded by a Republican administration out of post-9/11 nationalism and fear, or that no Homeland Security Secretary, no matter how liberal, will ever be able to shake the implicit bigotry and paranoia of DHS’ very existence, or that she supported the DREAM Act, or that she is a prominent critic of the discriminatory REAL ID Act, which she was pressured to enforce as Homeland Security Secretary, or that she is the first woman to be named UC President and will need the support of UC students in order to succeed,” said Human Rights Board co-chair Anisha Ahuja. “Janet Napolitano is racist, and if our senators would rather close their offices than work together to publicly shame her, then they’re racist too.”

                 Though A.S. Senate did not provide a projected end date to the shutdown, one senator, who wishes to remain unnamed, said she would return to work when her constituents “stop being bullies.”

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Playoff Experience Enlightens Pacers Rookie Orlando Johnson to Low Bar of Greatness at UCSB

I recall my tenure as a Gaucho with the retrospective fondness of a virile man married too young—he gazes backward at the freedom of his past conquests, while I gaze ruefully backward at my freedom to take jump shots. I am Orlando Johnson—The Innocent OJ, His Imperial Juiciness, The Most Relevant UCSB Alumnus since Folk-Pop Singer-Songwriter Sensation Jack Johnson—and I have swallowed the bitter pill of disappointment. Having earned the honor of Big West Player of the Year and having led my fellow Gauchos to two consecutive NCAA tournament appearances, I was drafted into the NBA by the Sacramento Kings and traded immediately to the Indiana Pacers. At the time, this appeared to be the realization of a grand dream. After leaving the sunlit shores and green hills of Santa Barbara for the industrial wasteland of Indianapolis, I received news from the Pacers organization that I would start my professional career with the Development League’s own Fort Wayne Mad Ants. Commenting in any way on Fort Wayne or on its name and mascot would be entirely superfluous. I ascended to the Pacers’ active line up. You may have seen me on television recently, since my team was recently booted from the playoffs by the tenacious Miami Heat—or you may not have seen me, since I averaged two minutes of playtime per game. I hoped that the talents with which I carried the Gauchos would be invaluable to the NBA, but in a league lousy with backcourt specialists, many of whom are far more agile than I, my presence is akin to that of erroneous chorus member under basketball’s great proscenium. Rubbing up against Lebron James during my minimal playtime has been both an awe-inspiring and emasculating experience. I cannot deny my boyish admiration for his skills, and yet to do so acknowledges my own lack of them. Here is a man without a college diploma breaking the heart of a boy who clings to his own; a man who amassed over 10,000 career points and one MVP award by the time I sat for my last university exam. The standard for greatness at UCSB has proven a farce in the great ocean of athleticism that is the NBA. To where have my university days flown? How, dear reader, might I return to my time as UCSB’s only academically engaged sociology major? For truth be told, therein lies my deepest passion: sociology. I long to read again the merits of agent-based modeling. But I digress. I have not returned to you to bemoan my misfortunes, but rather to deliver a message from spheres not reachable by bike path. That message, dear confidante, is this: life after graduation from UCSB is even worse than you’ve imagined. Congratulations, Class of 2013. At least you won’t get drafted.

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Every Guy a Pussy, Earthquake Reports

After reverberating through Isla Vista on Wednesday morning with an estimated magnitude of 4.9, an earthquake informed reporters that every guy in Isla Vista is a complete pussy. The shift of tectonic plates cited the overwhelming display of cowardice from Isla Vista’s male population, including running into the streets clad in bathrobes, screaming at the top of their lungs, and immediately making phone calls to parents, as evidence that men in this town are gigantic, trembling wusses. “I came here to party,” said the earthquake. “But the moment I show up, every lame-ass bro starts cowering under his desk or grabbing all of his personal belongings.” “I thought people in IV were supposed to be cool,” added the earthquake. “Fucking dorks.” The earthquake further referenced the number of male UCSB and SBCC students who retrieved weapons such as baseball bats, knives, and paintball guns, as proof that the men of Isla Vista are not only pitiful little chicken shits utterly lacking in wherewithal, but also pretty stupid too. “Really? A golf club?” the earthquake told reporters with a look of smug disbelief. “I’m a tremendous release of energy from the crust of the Earth, and you think I’m going to be scared of some momma’s boy with a 9-iron? Get a grip, sissy.” After telling every man on or around the UCSB campus to “grow some god damn balls,” the earthquake praised the women of Isla Vista for their even-keeled responses to its arrival, citing the most frantic reaction as that of sophomore Kelly Llarena, who awoke to the tremor, panted heavily for a moment, and checked her Facebook.

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Alpha Epsilon Pi Engages Burgeoning Palestinian Fraternity in Bitter Prank War

                For nearly a century, Alpha Epsilon Pi fraternity, known as AEPI or “the Jewish frat,” has been a distinguished powerhouse in collegiate Greek life. UCSB’s very own chapter of AEPI is revered as one of the top fraternities on campus, boasting the third highest collective GPA and largest in-house supply of babaganoush out of the entire Isla Vista Greek system. Their dedication to promoting Jewish culture makes them one of the most philanthropic and well respected fraternities in California, and besides some friendly social competition, their reputation has so far gone unchallenged—until now. Earlier this school year, a group of male Palestinian students came together to form UCSB’s first Palestinian fraternity, hoping to finally end what they describe as the “tyrannical inter-fraternity oppression of Alpha Epsilon Pi.” The Palestinians dubbed their fraternity راعي البقر   and elected fourth year Middle East studies major Amir al-Faruqi their president. In just a few months, they amassed an impressive 48 brothers of various Palestinian backgrounds. “راعي البقر ‘s mission is to promote the welfare and culture of Palestinian students by giving them a unique gateway into the Greek system,” al-Faruqi told reporters. “We also want to show UCSB that we can party just as hard as they can, and we can do it without alcohol, bacon, or premarital sex. Challenge accepted.” After a tremendous fundraising campaign that included hookah sales, beard trimmings, and an oud-ensemble concert, راعي البقر   purchased and moved into their first fraternity house. Unfortunately, the Isla Vista housing market afforded them few options, and the brotherhood had no choice but to move into an old recreational building adjacent to and previously owned by AEPI. “We put that playhouse on the market because the stripper poles collapsed and half the second floor fell in,” said AEPI president Lenny Oldenburg. “If we knew a bunch of god damn Palestinians were going to move in there, I would have just gotten my dad’s construction business to demolish the place.” راعي البقر responded to AEPI’s vocal opposition of their existence by throwing their first formal for Sigma Alpha Epsilon Pi, the corresponding Jewish sorority to AEPI. راعي البقر representatives described this formal as “a perfect ‘fuck you’ to AEPI” and “fascinating evidence of Jewish women’s preference of Arabs over men of their own race.” AEPI interpreted the party as the first strike in what would become the most embittered frat conflict UCSB’s Greek system has ever seen. “They clearly wanted a war, so we gave them one,” AEPI Sergeant-at-Arms Daniel Kowalski told reporters while filling water balloons with urine. “Ever since that formal, every time they hit us, we hit them twice as hard, and then it just kinda escalated from there.” “I honestly don’t feel safe anymore,” added Kowalski. “After they spiked our kegs with ipecac, we’ve all been watching our backs.” The conflict reached a new level when a prank involving cherry bombs in the راعي البقر plumbing resulted in the thorough destruction of their fraternity house. Fortunately, AEPI’s prank took place during Jumu’ah, or the Muslim day of prayer, ensuring that the راعي البقر house was empty; save for Ali Massad, who abstained from participation in Friday prayer after finally caving into his unbearable desire to masturbate. “Ali got what he deserved,” said Massad’s roommate, Rashid Mashala. “May the fires of Jahannam eviscerate his soul.” After searching unsuccessfully for a replacement house, AEPI begrudgingly allowed the Palestinians to settle in their cramped, filthy basement after the Office of Greek Life threatened them with probation for destroying the راعي البقر house. This awkward living arrangement did not put an end to the conflict, however. AEPI brothers used their increased proximity to the Palestinians to double their pranking efforts. Examples of their shenanigans included filling the basement with hummus, hiring strippers to tempt the most conservative brothers into sin, and rubbing bikini cream in their facial hair as they slept. راعي البقر countered by programming every television in the house to play Schindler’s List on a continuous loop every night, inducing nightmares and panic attacks in many AEPI brothers. But the final straw in the conflict came when AEPI began using the allocated راعي البقر basement space for new brothers who wished to stay in the house. “There’s barely any room in the basement now that the Jews have begun settling in there,” complained al-Faruqi. “My brothers are sleeping three to a bed now, which has helped some of them discover their homosexuality. I’ve already had to execute five of them.” راعي البقر considers the occupation of their cramped living quarters as the last straw in what has already been a fierce battle of fraternities, so they decided to hit the Jews where it would hurt most—their wallets. The Palestinians began a petition that called for a school-wide boycott of all local businesses that supported AEPI with fundraisers. Sam’s to Go owner and frequent AEPI sponsor Mehrdad Shamshiri expressed his frustration with this initiative to reporters. “As an Iranian, I fully support the Palestinian cause and despise the oppressive Zionist regime of Israel,” said Shamshiri, “But if those Arab motherfuckers start taking away from my business, I’ll fire rockets at them myself.” Unfortunately for راعي البقر, most students have ignored their cry for AEPI’s financial destruction, including second year Amelia Rawson. “AEPI does a lot of fundraisers at Sweet Alley, and I can’t stop eating there,” said Rawson, asking reporters, “Have you ever eaten Sweet Alley fro-yo before? It’s like angel cum.” Rawson went on to include South Coast Deli, Pita Pit, and Rosarito’s as restaurants she would continue to frequent despite the Palestinians' dilemma. Despite the disappointing response of the student body, al-Faraqi hasn’t given up hope. He believes that one day, UCSB students will boldly refuse to eat mediocre, overpriced fast food in the name of social equality. He now waits patiently in the basement of AEPI, typing up his senior thesis while toilet water from the leaking pipes drips rhythmically onto his taqiyah.

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Bill's Short Bus Offers Fast Transportation to Slow People

With so many opportunities to party in this beautiful beachside town, residents of Isla Vista often forget about the less fortunate. If they would only look hard enough, many would see the mentally challenged struggling to get by one day at a time. A true Samaritan would stop to chat with such disabled folk, and they would realize that what those poor souls plagued with debilitating illnesses such as mental retardation, schizophrenia, and Down’s syndrome really want is not pity or patronizing assistance with everyday tasks. They want what we all want: to party. Finally, somebody has risen up to the task of providing for the special. Beloved Isla Vista transportation enterprise Bill's Bus has recently expanded to meet the demands of the rising cognitively disabled population. Owner and operator Bill Williamson noticed the proliferation of this niche market and sprung at the chance to open "Bill's Short Bus,” a smaller and friendlier alternative to those looking to party all night and still get back in time for finger painting. The bus, which can be seen ambling along the 101 blaring "The Wheels on the Bus,” has been a smashing success. Everyone seems to be lining up to get on the special bus that proudly broadcasts, “Awesome in Every Spectrum” directly on the side. Like its typically sized cousin, Bill’s Short Bus transports special students from Isla Vista to downtown Santa Barbara, with a few key stops along the way. Up first is the Montessori, where riders can enjoy a quick game of Heads Up 7-Up before story time. After show and tell, the bus takes off for snack time at Bubba Gump. The trip ends at Ralph's in Goleta, where each rider can take a turn on the kiddie ride shaped like a rocket ship, courtesy of the bus driver. Driver and part owner Louis Gomez is excited about this progressive expansion. “Honestly, I like driving with actual retards better than drunk kids,” said Gomez. “They don’t wet themselves or puke as often.” Gomez added that while the mentally challenged are typically more even-keeled than his usual clientele, they present obstacles of their own. “I once had this girl with Tourette’s randomly scream the names of Academy Award winners in my ear. I’ll admit, I didn’t know that Marisa Tomei won ‘Best Supporting Actress’ for 1991’s My Cousin Vinny, but it was still really disruptive.” The short bus has been increasingly profitable for Bill’s transportation empire since the acquisition of two key sponsors: Depends® and Monster Energy Drink®.  The vehicle is now fully stocked with a variety of incontinence protection in addition to a surplus of caffeine at all times. According to severely bipolar rider Jack Fulton, “It’s pretty great to have a supply of energy boosts to keep you going on a night out with your FUCKING ASSWAD SHIT-SMEARING NIGGER FAGGOT FRIENDS!” While catering to the mentally handicapped partygoers at night, the short bus also serves as a Dial-a-Ride for Isla Vista’s elderly residents during the day. "After creating the short bus, we noticed another group whose infatuation with revelry goes unsupported; the elderly. We figured that the bus can operate during the day for seniors,” said Bill.  “Plus we had a fuckton of Depends left over." The bus holds a BINGO and happy hour from 1-2 p.m, featuring signature drinks like Metamucil Sangria and Glucosamine Margaritas for octogenarians who still have some life and liquid blood left in them. The two operations have been accident free since inception, excluding an incident in which one of the younger nighttime riders accidentally overdosed on a bottle of Mylanta he found under a seat. Despite the current lawsuit, both services are running and currently accepting new riders. Look for the short bus Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights in front of Isla Vista Elementary School.

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8 NBA Players Inspired By Jason Collins to Come Out of the Closet

On April 29th, Jason Collins of the Washington Wizards became the first openly gay player in the NBA. The sports world erupted into debate this past week over whether or not the 34 year old center is an inspirational hero, an exploitative attention whore, or just “an icky gay guy, gross.” However controversial his decision may be, it has inspired several other NBA players to find the courage within themselves and reveal their true sexuality this past week. Some of these players include: 1.  Russell Westbrook

        Russell Westbrook claims to have never hidden his homosexuality, citing his eccentric dress and flamboyant braggadocio as prime indicators. “Ya’ll never asked,” Westbrook told reporters. “So I never told."

2.  Glen “Big Baby” Davis

“Big Baby” Davis came out of the closet via a teaser commercial for his upcoming TLC reality series Shaqed Up, which chronicles his recent marriage to Shaquille O’Neal. 3. Chandler Parsons Before the Houston Rockets drafted him out of University of Florida in 2011, Chandler Parsons underwent a deep sexual exploration of himself with the help of fellow Gator Tim Tebow. 4. The Sacramento Kings                 Though the Sacramento Kings never officially released their players’ sexual orientations, the homosexuality of the entire team was compromised by UCSB student and Bay Area native Hunter Diamond, who told Gaucho Marks reporters that the Kings were, “totally gay, bro.” 5. The WNBA The WNBA’s self-proclaimed “lesbian culture” has been an openly encouraged aspect of American sports for longer than many might think; much like the WNBA itself. 6. Kyle Korver While Gaucho Marks has no concrete evidence of Kyle Korver’s coming out, our fingers are tightly crossed. 7. Shawn Marion Have you guys seen this picture? This is a really funny picture. 8. Rasheed Wallace Before revealing his homosexual identity, Rasheed Wallace came back out of retirement just so that he could be considered an active NBA player at the time. He retired again immediately afterwards.

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Tequila Shortage Dries Out Cinco de Mayo Plans, Forces Students to Drink Ethanol

Today is Cinco de Mayo, another yearly chance for Americans to feign cultural involvement. As usual, they don sombreros, purchase in bulk from the magnanimous tamale fairy, and call their Salvadoran friends for advice on how best to celebrate a Mexican holiday that is observed exclusively by the United States. This year, however, there’s something missing; something crucial. Due to a rise in the destruction of agave plants by farmers who favor more lucrative, ethanol-producing corn, the United States has suffered an increasing shortage of tequila, the signature drink of Cinco de Mayo. The shortage first caught media attention in 2007 when farmers experienced a surplus of agave that led to lower tequila prices. When they realized that corn was a more valuable crop, many farmers destroyed their agave plants and began to grow corn in its place. This crushing blow to collegiate alcoholism has paralyzed UCSB students with confusion, leaving them with nothing but cerveza to consume in massive quantities on the fifth of May. “I like Pacifico and Dos Equis just fine, but I can’t drink them all day,” said second year Global Studies major Kathleen Spencer. “Do you know how many carbs are in beer? It’s just bread with alcohol, basically. I’d be soooo bloated.” Spencer’s concern over her physical appearance is shared by an estimated 95% of the student body, based on Gaucho Marks reporters’ careful and persistent observation of the school’s most attractive students. While many will consume large quantities of Corona, Tecate, and other Mexican beers, the void left by tequila will be difficult to fill. Fortunately, some students, including fourth year Psychology major Pearce London, have found a doppelganger that is not only practical, but also embraces the cause of the shortage. “I figured since all of the agave is being replaced by corn, ethanol production would skyrocket,” said London while filling his Home Depot shopping cart with as many cans of Klean-Strip denatured alcohol as it would carry. “This stuff is strong, cheap, and easy to find. It’s the most Mexican drink there is.” London was not the first Gaucho to use ethanol as a means of channeling the spirit of Cinco de Mayo. CCS Literature super senior Matthew Williams has fueled his last four Cinco de Mayo’s with grain alcohol, having noticed the tequila shortage in the early stages of its proliferation. “When my friends and I first tried partying with ethanol, we had to do a little bit of trial and error before we really got the hang of it,” said Williams as he sipped the 200 proof beverage from a red gasoline tank. “We played some Quarters with it just to pregame, and by one in the afternoon, two of my roommates were dead. That was the craziest Cinco de Mayo ever.” Since that first fateful fifth of May, many students have made the switch from smooth, flavorful tequila to odorless, odious ethanol, leading to a rise in alcohol poisoning, blackouts, arrests, and regretful sexual encounters. Some have even begun to create their own ethanol based drinks, such as Patron-leum, Ba-corn-i, and Kernel-ua. Others, however, are adamantly opposed to the transition, such as third year Chicano Studies major Rigoberto Vargas, who has horded tequila since he first heard news of agave crops being destroyed. “You gringos think it’s so cool now to drink grain alcohol. When I was growing up in Jalisco, I used to eat my cereal with ethanol every morning before I went to school,” said Vargas. “Tell your readers if--sorry, when they get sick of that stuff, they can talk to ol’ Rigo and get some of the finest blue agave tequila that’ll ever touch their lips. They’ll come crawling right back.” “Literally,” added Vargas. “They probably won’t be able to walk.”

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Confessions of a Tamale Girl

You know who I am. You see me every week knocking on your door with my mother’s home-cooked Mexican delicacies.  Yes, you guessed it. I’m the ‘Tamale Girl.’ My birth name is actually María Rosaria Orozco, but I’ve worked as the Tamale Girl since I was old enough to walk and say, “Tamales.” After my father, Juan Pablo Orozco, left my mother with nothing more than twelve children and a secret family recipe for extra spicy tamales, I’ve spent my whole life selling corn-wrapped chicken and pork to the craziest people in the world. You might think that my life is carefree and simple, but the truth is that this job fucking sucks. Have you noticed how miserable I look whenever I show up to your door? It’s because I’m seven years old, I don’t go to school, I have zero friends, and I live in a neighborhood filled with over-privileged, alcoholic white people. Oh, and my mom exploits my cuteness for the good of her business. I just want to play with dolls and meet kids, but I’m cooped up in my room trying to learn QuickBooks while my mother cooks tamales. On top of all this, I earn far less than minimum wage, and the last time I mentioned child labor laws to my mother she didn’t let me eat dinner for a week (dinner is always tamales, so I didn’t miss too much). Throughout my time delivering and selling tamales with my mother, I have seen some serious shit. I’ve seen dogs shoot up heroin, fist-fights between tequila-chugging girls in spirit hoods, Gangnam Style-themed orgies, volleyball courts made out of cocaine and more, all through the 38 inch doorways of Isla Vista apartments and houses. Aren’t most of you students? Where do you find the time to play Snappa for seven hours when you have all of that course work? As you all know, Cinco de Mayo is coming up. While I’m sure you’ll be having a blast appropriating my country’s holiday and its traditions as a pretext for getting wasted, I’ll be enduring my busiest work day of the year. Maybe you’re wondering why the price of our tamales have been increasing steadily. It’s because my mother had no other choice but to send me to therapy, since the psychological trauma I’ve been experiencing has proved too intense for her to handle. All I ever wanted out of my dismal life was to open up my own clothing boutique and call it “Rosaria’s Ropa,” but both my mother and the cycles of oppression in Isla Vista have made sure that I know my one and only place in this world—as a Tamale Girl. Anyway, chicken or pork?

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Victorious OPP Plans Allotment of AS Funds Primarily for 2014 Election Campaign

[caption id="attachment_517" align="alignleft" width="300"] The Open People's Party representatives[/caption] After sweeping the Associated Student Election over the DP and ANAL parties, the Open People’s Party, or OPP, announced in a press release today that their newly elected candidates would spend approximately 99% of the 2013-2014 A.S. budget on their election campaign for next year. Party representatives described the 2013 campaign as “financially exhausting,” citing major expenditures such as t-shirts, glossed flyers, and sunglasses for distribution to prospective voters. The overwhelming success of their extravagant campaign validated OPP’s belief that, in the words of the party, “mo’ money, less problems.” “We spared no expense with this year’s campaign, and our wallets have suffered for it,” President-elect Jonathan Abboud told reporters whilst wearing OPP emblazoned aviators, board shorts, and cufflinks on a specially designed OPP suede blazer from Michael Kors. “We figured that if students loved us enough to elect us this year, why not use their money to bring us back next year?” OPP’s proposed budget for the 2013-2014 school year would provide the party with approximately $9,900,000 to spend on their re-election campaign, leaving an estimated $100,000 dollars for other AS expenditures such as the Disabled Students Program, the Environmental Affairs Board, and the Program Board, which is responsible for the organization of Extravaganza, among other events. Program Board Commissioner Cassi Garcia told reporters that she supports OPP’s budget proposal, saying that the downsizing of her department is a tough but surmountable obstacle. “As commissioner of a group that depends heavily on flashy advertisement, I understand OPP’s need for funds,” said Garcia after reducing the program board staff to a mere two employees. “I’m just wondering what we’re going to do for Extravaganza next year.” “Do you guys like Aaron Carter?” added Garcia. “Because that’s probably who we’re going to get.” Garcia’s optimism is not entirely shared by the student body. Even some members of OPP have expressed their frustration with the budget proposal, including newly-elected College of Creative Studies senator Elliot Patzkowsky. “All I wanted was a new printer for the computer lab, and Jonathan [Abboud] kept telling me no,” said Patzkowsky from the filthy, dilapidated CCS building, for which he promised to procure renovation funds. “I had to go on Craigslist and find a printer for under thirty dollars before he would approve it.” Unfortunately for Patzkowsky, his is the only dissenting voice in a group of excited victors. Off-Campus senator-elect Corey Lau, who planned to create a school-wide picnic called “Lawn-topia” with AS funds, seems perfectly comfortable with putting his extremely practical dream on hold for the good of OPP. “Lawn-topia will one day come true, but right now we’ve got more important plans,” Lau told reporters. “Next year, OPP’s election campaign will feature an OPP blimp, MTD bus advertisements, and a commercial directed by Michael Bay.” “Michael. Fucking. Bay,” added Lau. “Next year is in the bag.”

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ANAL Party Penetrates Associated Students Elections

[caption id="attachment_511" align="alignleft" width="244"] One of ANAL's stylish campaign tees.[/caption] With the Associated Students elections raging on GOLD through this Thursday, UCSB students are gearing up for some real change. Signs have popped up like mushrooms around the bike path, students sport black and blue t-shirts and Facebooks everywhere are littered with the profile picture changes of the candidates and their closest friends. But while the Open People’s Party and Democratic Process Party duke it out with signs and hashtags, a dark horse group is jamming the race up from behind: the Association of Nationalist Americans for Liberation. The ANAL party has become a big hit among several key demographics. Both liberals and conservatives delight in ANAL’s swift action and shoot first, ask questions later attitude toward policymaking. ANAL party Presidential candidate Tibor Karsai expressed his excitement about shaking things up in the back end of government. “The ANAL party was founded on the same beliefs of the DP and OPP parties,” he explained, “I think.” When ANAL party founder and third year sociology major Bill Brown was looking for a potential candidate, he knew he had to keep up with the contemporary college election landscape by making sure minorities were properly represented. He found his man in Karsai, a second-year Croatian student who initially planned on studying at UCSB for the year. Brown hammered into him, enticing him with potential perks like providing the means to procure a new passport. “We brainstormed for a bit before deciding on how to present Tibor,” Brown said. “We knew he was attractive. High cheekbones, tan skin, just enough body hair to be manly but not too much as to turn off the female vote. We had to have him.” But it wasn’t easy. After years of post-Soviet dental care, Karsai needed some serious mouth work. Luckily for him, Brown packed his staff full of the highest quality beauticians and plastic surgeons. One of their top priorities and concerns is the fact that UCSB has been lacking in the prestigious Yale University “Top 25 Hottest Schools,” an annual poll that surveys the overall attractiveness of student populations. “Losing to ASU and Miami hurts, but the ANAL party plans to hit back hard,” Brown said. That goal is evident in the ANAL party’s staff. While Karsai is the only actual ANAL party candidate in the race (as an SBCC student, Brown doesn’t qualify), the rest of the 150-person staff focuses on making sure his smile produces at least 45 watts of lumens per square foot. An aggressive Facebook campaign has garnered the attention of almost 30 people across several key student demographics. Compared to the staggering number of followers on the DP and OPP Twitter accounts, 46 and 39, respectively, it is clear that the ANAL party is quickly gaining followers. Even Chancellor Yang has taken notice. “I’m really excited about the ANAL party,” Yang said. “It sounds like a really interesting time. When does it start?” Democratic Process Party President Sophia Armen, however, is less than thrilled. “People love DP,” she fumed. “We really don’t see much of a reason for people to switch to ANAL. Things may not be working for us, but why make them worse?” Armen’s sentiments were partially echoed by Open People’s Party President Jonathan Abboud. “I think it’s good that a third party is being introduced,” he said. “But am I worried? Not really. We had a pretty stellar t-shirt design this year, and our Facebook page has almost 70 likes. I think we’ll be alright.” Whether the ANAL party is simply a fad or something more permanent remains to be seen. One thing is certain though: The road that extends before them will be a bumpy and uncomfortable one.    The ANAL Platform 1. Mandatory inclusion of head shots on all incoming applications. 2. Banishment and segregation of unattractive people. 3. Tanning beds on campus. 4. Tanning beds off campus. 5. T-shirts for everyone. 6. ANAL for everyone!  

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Police Barricades Force Deltopia Into Dorm Bathroom

The now annual Floatopia facsimile “Deltopia” started as a compromise between Isla Vista residents and the seaweed-hugging, government buzzkills that forced their debauchery away from the beach. But after three years of student and sea “a-party-theid”, the Santa Barbara City Council furthered the restrictions by setting up police barricades on Del Playa Drive, forcing the entire party into a bathroom in Santa Rosa Residence Hall.

Santa Rosa resident Greg Edwards had to walk all the way downstairs to relieve himself because he “couldn’t piss with the massive boner” he achieved during the bathroom wet t-shirt contest. Visiting reveler Jeremy Richen of SLO County, however, found it convenient because the proximity of the toilets allowed him to “puke and rally” with greater ease.

“I fucking love ‘Bath-topia’!” Richen bellowed from behind the ass of his 15 year old girlfriend. “The girls are bomb, the music is bomb, and every beer is a shower beer!”

Unfortunately for the partiers, police still found a way to monitor the event. The Isla Vista Foot Patrol brought in reinforcements from Solvang, all of whom were clad in wooden clogs and  therefore quickly overtaken by the crowds. To enter the building, officers on horseback trampled freshman Audrey Edwards to confiscate her e-key, despite her lack of intention to join the party.

“I saw the whole thing,” said Kelsey London, Edwards’ RA. “It was racist police brutality. They thought they could abuse their power just because she’s Canadian.”

The Bath-topiers--oblivious, as usual-- partied on until Rayshawn Washington, another Santa Rosa resident, fired what he believed to be a super soaker over the crowd, discovering quickly that it was actually his Arizona-born roommate’s M16. Washington was caught by Solvang authorities and now awaits beheading by skarpretter (headsman) Olaf Steffenssen.