How To Help Somebody Being Abused
Oh man, there’s an entire section in here on how to help someone being abused and it’s just so good. Please pick up a copy of this book and read at least that section.
“Your goal is to be the complete opposite of what the abuser is.”
Abusers pressure. So don’t pressure her into leaving, standing up to him, calling the police, etc.
Abusers talk down. So talk to her as an equal without any condescension.
Abusers think they know best. So remember that she’s an expert on her own life and needs.
Abusers dominate conversations. So listen more, talk less.
Abusers feel entitled to control. So respect her right to make decisions and stick with her even if you disagree with those choices.
Abusers think they know best re: children. So remember that she is a competent and loving mother who knows the full context of the decisions she must make.
Abusers think for their victims. So think with her. You’re not her hero, you’re a team mate.
Because empowerment and recovery for an abused woman can be a long process, people who want to be there for her tend to go through periods when their patience wears thin. They are tempted to aim their frustration at the woman herself, saying, “Well, if you put such a low value on yourself as to choose to be abused, I can’t keep hanging around, ” or “If you care about him more than you care about your children, you’re as sick as he is.” I understand why you feel irritated, but it doesn’t make sense to put her down. The message you send with such an outburst is that you think she is causing herself to be abused, which is just what the abuser is telling her. And the last thing you want to do is support his message.
Bancroft also reminds the reader that you shouldn’t measure your success in helping her by whether or not she leaves her partner, but rather by “how well you have respected the woman’s right to run her own life—which the abusive man does not do—and how well you have helped her to think of strategies to increase her safety.”
One more word of caution: I observe that many people are eager to find something wrong with an abused woman, because if they can’t, they are confronted with the uncomfortable reality that any woman can be abused. The urge to find fault in her interferes with your ability to help her—and ultimately colludes with the abusive man.
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