OK, I am avoiding work by reading JSaMN fanfic and although I find it all highly agreeable I do want to kvetch unnecessarily about some personal pet peeves of mine, specifically about Fandom Bicycle John Childermass, so here we go:
1. Literally any description of Childermass as big or strong. Folks, have you seen Enzo Cilenti? He is a greyhound. He is a whippet. He is lean, mean, leaning machine. If I have to read one more reference to my beloved pipe cleanerâs âbroad shouldersâ or âmuscular thighsâ I am going to lose it
2. âBut waitâ you say, âyou donât get it, Iâm writing book!Childermass not BBC!Childermassâ Nice try. Is your Childermass a twisted-faced Sketchy McSketcherson in his 50s? Is he grinning like a Cheshire cat from every page of your fic? Does he look less like Heathcliff and more like the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? Major love and props to the few writers who commit to the glorious weirdness of Book!mass, but the rest of you are writing sexy Cilenti and you know it
3. Okay, minor point, but why is Childermass always tramping around in boots? BBC!Childermass does not own boots. Jonathan Strange owns riding boots, to be sure, because he is a country gentleman and a clotheshorse, but John Childermass wears what look like leather (or possibly canvas) gaiters (aka spatterdashes, aka spats) over his shoes when riding. My boy is a city boy. I will only accept allusions to John Childermass clomping his riding boots through the wild Yorkshire moors if it happens in the imagination of characters who are romantic and donât know better (aka John Segundus).
Pictured: What are thooooose?
4. Speaking of clothing, the fandom and I are basically in agreement that Childermass does not wear under-breeches, but where we differ is that the fandom thinks this is shocking, salacious information. Fam, no one expects Childermass to be wearing under-breeches. Under-breeches were only just becoming common for gentlemen in the Regency period and until then had been worn more for warmth than modesty. Childermass, who dresses like itâs 1763 and is impervious to all forms of weather would absolutely not wear under-breeches. He would wear a linen shirt long enough to tuck around his⊠bits just like any other 18th century dude and this would not be worthy of comment.
5. Also speaking of clothing, Childermass wears a cravat. Yes, you can call it a neckcloth, but âneckclothâ is an umbrella term that also includes stocks and jabots and various other fol-de-lols. Fashion historians, please feel free to correct me, but Iâm pretty sure âhe took off his neckclothâ is about as specific as âhe took off his outerwearâ. I am tired of the word neckcloth, yâall. I have read it so many times it has ceased to have meaning. You can say âcravatâ. Itâs fine.
6. Also ALSO speaking of clothing, we all know that Childermassâ clothes are out of fashion but I donât think the fandom realizes just how out of fashion they are. Cilentiâs costume SCREAMS 18th century (the looooong waistcoat! the pocket flaps! the ponytail!) to a degree that canât be explained by mere thriftiness or indifference to fashion. His clothes arenât just old (if they were that old, they would be in much worse condition); they are intentionally old-fashioned because they evoke livery. Childermass is very clearly wearing the silhouette of a servant while also very clearly wearing his own clothes. Itâs an eloquent costume choice that shows the in-betweenness of his character: not quite a servant, but not not a servant either.
All of this is to say that I desperately want a post-canon fic where somebody coaxes a reluctant Childermass into a symbolic haircut and possibly a shorter waistcoat to indicate that he has moved on from Norrell and is no longer a servant. Please give it to me. That is all.
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