the ramblings of a madman

a collection of poems and stories that form from existentialism

[geminithegreen]

Do not fear existing while in a state of madness. A clear mind is not always something to be desired. A clear mind may have space - it does not mean it has been opened.

When the time is right, I will be approached my a visitor, a foreigner. I will not know him, I will not recognize him, I may not see him, but I will be aware of his presence. I will feel it in the chest, a mark will come ablaze.

It will mean something very simple, that it is time. It will mean the timer has reached it's end. I will finally learn something. I will learn if the anticipation and the fear will bring peace, if it will bring pain, if it will bring closure, or if it will bring some odd combination of the bunch.

I do not know and not knowing scares me. There is much that scares me. I fear not the dark, but the horrors that lay beyond the dark and that sleep in the shadows. The shadows are a whispering entity, and they whisper fears. The fears slither along the ground, not visible by human eye yet we can see their approach.

Whispers cannot be conquered when they run faster than we can think. They penetrate when the walls have been let down. It is not an issue that cannot be solved by simply keeping the walls up.

If the walls are kept up you will loose every sense of yourself that remains. This is something the madman knows of, and he sends his warnings. Listen to him.

Not listening will be a mistake that you cannot make twice.

[geminithegreen]

A body that craves belongs to a mind that mourns. But what about a mind that craves? Does it belong to a body that mourns? Can both be satisfied, or can both be in pain? Must they be in different states of yearning?

Then you must find your solution. Such a solution will not come easily. It may not come ever. And it must be found alone. It requires a journey that you cannot go on with company, as they will only serve a distraction. The madman urges you to find your identity, to find your name again.

He sees the blades touch your skin. He watches them dance around the marks that have been left there by a previous life. He watches as they graze your skin and the ice-cold blades causes no pain. There is no blood. You have no blood. Because your skin is your cage and what escapes through the gashes is a different type of life, as your soul finds its freedom.

And when freedom comes, you may find your peace. You may find what you need and what you craves. You'll find that you've changed and that you've evolved, but you see that in finding yourself, you've lost parts of what you believes to be pieces of your core identity.

They say that we are mosaics of everyone we've ever loved, but you must find your originality. Your flaws have been stitched up with threads provided those who love you, but those threads must be snipped at some point. If the end of the thread is held by someone other then yourself, they hold power. Perhaps too much power. They can determine if and when your stitches are tightened, but that is something that must be decided by yourself.

The madman wants you to find your freedom and become yourself. If happiness is the goal. If you want to defy your timer. If you want to prove yourself and become yourself once again. Love to be loved, but do not love selfishly as you have done in the past. You'll find yourself in the end, my friend.

Have faith in yourself and have faith in others and love.

"Expectations is the place you must always go- before you get where you're going. Of course some people never get beyond Expectations." - The Phantom Tollbooth. (A criminally underrated movie)

Be true.

[geminithegreen]

When the Wizard Responds...

When you share your rambles with a madman, he will prompt you to take some time. He suggests that you find yourself. He will tell you that over time, you've lost your sense of identity. And he will be right. Something about you has changed. Change is not something to be feared, though. It should be embraced. Change is natural and it is normal. But the madman knows that change is also scary.

He knows this. He has gone through change many times. He knows what it is like. He knows the fear. He has experienced it many times over and that is okay. Have patience, he says to you. Have patience and all will work out.

And yes, because he knows you're going to ask, he knows. He knows of the timer. He knows of the messages whispered by the clouds and the winds and scribbled into the sands. He sees the stories told by the seas. He is aware. He knows it all. And you can too, if you so desire. But have patience, have time. It does not come easily.

But it will be okay. Just remember that there are others. And they will tell you the same. They will tell you words in whispers that will take no effort to understand because it is in your native tongue. They come from people who know and who care. 

They may not fully understand but they will try their best. That effort is what you look for and it is what you desire above all else. Remember to breathe, my friend. You will be okay. Do not fear.

[geminithegreen]

A body that craves belongs to a mind that mourns.

When it reaches out and cries for help and for the touch of a stranger, the mind has lost a piece of itself. It lacks something. What, exactly, I do not know. That changes from person to person, as our chemistry differs from each other. What I want is different from what you want.

The messages written in the sands appear to be worthless scribbles. Yet there is a pattern to them, and if you take the time to decode them, you shall learn the secrets of an ancient time.

Return to me when you figure it out. As much as I would love to simply tell you what they say, I cannot do such a thing, as that would be cheating. The secrets must be worked for. It is important to know not just what they say, but what they mean. Words with no meaning are worthless.

The clouds in the sky whisper secrets. I've told you of the messages they write with blades and those messages can only be deciphered through pain. But they tell deeper secrets that require far more sacrifice then I am prepared to make.

It is only a matter of time before a full minute passes and the timer ticks again, one step closer to completion. Will that bring the glory and satisfaction we seek? Will it bring us closure, an end to all regret? It's supposed to. And if it doesn't?

What then?

[geminithegreen]

The Beginning

The timer is ticking. its counting down towards the end and I fear it. I do not know what it means. A lot is happening and perhaps mistakes have been made. I cannot say for sure what happens

When it is done...

It must be over. There will be a peace at the end. A peace that cries out in joy.

it needs help.

I genuinely think I'm going insane. The timer. It's all I can think about. I cannot stay focused. If the timer is ticking then there is no point to doing anything else, because then it's only a matter of time. It knows what's left.

The timer is a gut reaction. Yet my gut is always wrong. It often tells me something is wrong and yet nothing happens. Perhaps I simply do not know what it's telling me. And if that's the case, then trying to figure it out isn't worth my time because it is, and always will be incomprehensible. The point is to make it to the end but the end may come sooner.

Then the new question is, what does it mean by the "end"? It could mean a lot of things and some are a lot more concerning then the others... but as far as I know it's fully out of my control. I know myself and I know my limits. I know what I am capable of and what I am willing to do. And simply because of that, I know it is beyond my control.

And I am not alone in this. This is a text I received Friday, November 7th, at 1:58 am. Tragedy is coming in a storm. We do not know when or where or why or how. The Order must prepare as a whole but individually as well.

It is far greater then any one of us individually. But we have our personal rituals that must be completed in order to be ready. It is difficult to prepare for a battle when you do not know your enemy. Is the enemy a mortal or is it something larger then we can even comprehend?

If this is ever read fully, in its entirety, you may think to yourself, "oh, this is a bit. This has something to with Pete's silly little wizard cult they have at school." I promise you this is no bit.

When I last spoke to Moribund about this storm, he had mentioned that his foresightings of a storm may have been caused by things being too good. The calm before the storm, one might say. I believe that he no longer sees this as a threat, or at least not nearly as much of one. I believe he is wrong and has been blinded by the drugs he has been taking to help with his emotions. It is good he is receiving the help he feels he needs, but he cannot let this effect him in such a way he cannot perform his duties.

I can see the signs in the dark. The wind writes messages on my skin with blades. The poison in the air shrouds our judgement and we cannot let that happen. We cannot be distracted. That is their intention. To distract us, to prevent us from seeing seeing the full picture. Perhaps we will never see the full picture in its entirety, but we have some of the pieces. Some are still missing... there is information to be gained.

I would be lying if I felt comfortable in my skin. It wants to be torn open, to fit a form that cannot and should not be contained. It is a cage of sorts. The voice that comes out of my mouth is not mine. I do not know whose it is, just that it is not mine. It tells no lie, however, but sometimes distorts the truth. It has it's own mission and I have not yet discovered what it is. I have only recently determined that we have disconnected and that it belongs to another entity. I look for a sign of distress, but there is none. It seems satisfied and yet urgent. It does not need saving and will put up a fight if salvation is attempted.

It has been just under a month since I've last heard word of this storm. I trust that if there was more to it, I would have been alerted of it. Perhaps it is not too much of a threat, but I can feel it calling.