through the eyes of a passionate amateur

[genderbecking]

when a dude blames it on your period but you don’t get those

[genderbecking]

a touchy topic. pt 2

Since writing my post giving minimal detail about the relationship I was in as a teenager, I thought I would now post one of the poems that I mentioned writing.

I was 16.

you’re a liar you’re a cheater you’re just a fake that wanted to beat her

that poor girl was filled with fear her eyes so bruised she couldn’t shed a single tear

her arms were cut her neck was red her sheets were stained from the blood in her bed

they asked if she was okay she just nodded her head because she knew if she didn’t she wouldn’t be fed

she only wanted love someone to hold her not a paper thin stomach or a broken left shoulder

her bones were so fragile from all the damage done it felt like a war that would never be won

he tore up her soul he broke her big heart he ripped away her innocence from the very start

I see her now and then looking through the mirror and I hope I can save her before he can kill her

[genderbecking]

a touchy topic.

Trigger Warning: sensitive topic

Whilst I was digging up some inspiration for a blog post, I found myself looking through an old notebook that I’ve kept since being a freshman in high school. It was a notebook that got me through the hardest parts of my teenage years and I thought there could be something in it that made me think of my gendered experiences in a way I hadn’t before. I knew what I’d come across- poems on poems of a time I was in a violent relationship and the horrors I was feeling at such a young age, but still nothing seemed worth sharing.

The next morning, I went to school and sat in class as the other group project presenters in Comm + Gender were giving their case studies at the front of the class. ‘Violent Relationships’ was one of the topics talked about in class that day, and having just taken a walk down memory lane only the night before, it all felt eerily close to home.

I wanted to write about this experience because my first (and G-d-willing, last) experience in a violent relationship started when I was 13 years old when I starting ‘dating’ my first boyfriend. What it really ended up being was two years of emotional destruction, sleep deprivation, gut-wrenching anxiety, malnutrition, and fear- every single day. It was a period of time that forced me to grow up in ways that I knew I wasn’t ready. It was a time that I felt the most disconnected from my closest friends and family members than any other point in my life to this day.

The hardest part about talking about my story doesn’t have to do with the fact that I was in a mentally and emotionally violent relationship. That part, I am extremely open about and have experienced much healing through the process. The hardest part in fact is the fact that it happened to me when I was at such a young age. I feel like when we discuss these types of relationships and tell these stories, they come from adults- college students, spouses, etc. My biggest fear is always sharing my story and someone else confronting the fact that I was just a young teenager and discounting my experience as over-exaggerated or not as violent as it was.

The reason this group’s presentation in class hit home so hard for me was because of the fact that these students specifically mentioned teenage relationships and the harm that still has the capability of existing within them. The statistics the group presented astounded me as well. According to New Hope, Inc., approximately 1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. Hearing this number made me start thinking about the women closest to me, and what I thought of just felt too awful to be true. Between myself the five women I consider closest to me, including friends and family members, six out of six of us have been in some sort of relationship that would fall under this category.

According to New Hope, domestic violence is the third leading cause of homelessness in values, and is the number one cause of the rise of homeless women. It leads to a slew of other problems, including “high rates of depression, sleep disturbances, anxiety, flashbacks, and other emotional distress.” The worst part of it all? Most cases of domestic violence go unreported.

Being in a violent relationship was one of the hardest things I can truly say I’ve ever been through. Emotionally- probably the hardest. It is so common and so real in so many lives, but the stigma surrounding it is that it is the victim’s fault. Why didn’t she leave? Why did she stay? Why did you give him/her a second chance? We become so shamed in these situations that closing off the people who seem to judge us lets us feel safe in our decisions, when in actuality, those are the people that need to be around the most.

The issue of domestic violence is far from being overcome, but the fight to end the stigma and shaming of victims fights on. There is still much to do as we know that cases of abused men or violence within the LGBTQ community go even less often reported than heterosexual, female victims.

My action step for anyone reading this would be to do your research- learn the signs of what domestic violence looks like because it shows up in a million subtle ways. Having been through many of them myself, I see them happen more often than I’d like to admit and am still developing my own dialogue to show the victims I am here and I am listening without prying into anyone’s personal lives. If you know someone in this type of situation, do not disappear out of their lives even though they may try to disconnect and even though you feel they should leave. I can confidently say it is almost NEVER that easy or simple. Set boundaries for yourself, but also keep an open door and very open arms for when those times come. Do NOT victim shame or victim blame. We all have our own reasons for staying and it needs to be that person’s reason to leave- not yours. And lastly, always do good unto others because you really never know what someone might be going through.

 The National Domestic Violence Hotline (24/7 availability): 1-800-799-7233

 Source:

New Hope, Inc., www.new-hope.org/.

[genderbecking]

the value of a dollar

I went to a work conference back home, which is Sacramento for me. I work with a network marketing company through which entrepreneurs can build their own business and thus, create a life of their design over the life chosen for them by larger corporations and societal expectations. That is, at least, how I view and utilize the opportunity.

At the top levels of the company I work with, the leaders, or National Marketing Directors as they are entitled, unlock corporate-level health care, tuition reimbursement, holiday expense bonuses, and more, all while continuing to be their own bosses. This has allowed so many families I’ve seen to leave the actual corporate world and spend more time at home with those they value most.

Every six months at our biannual company conference, every newly promoted NMD gets to go on the main stage and share their story. It is the most powerful and inspirational part of conference and always manages to bring tears to my eyes. Men and women alike share their stories of struggle and hardship, and how they were pulled to be a part of a company that not only allows them time- and financial-freedom, but also gives them the opportunity every day to share the power and their passion for healthy living (it is a health-based company). Being that this last conference was the first time I’ve gone while simultaneously being in a communication studies class surrounding gender, I must say I paid attention in a different way than I typically would.

One of the stories that truly affected me was from a husband that had worked in the real estate sector and was the sole provider for his family for years. He and his wife had three children and mom primarily stayed at home (figuratively speaking, since being a mom requires not staying at home for, I’m sure, most of the day). When the housing market crashed, and, subsequently, the economy, he found himself out of a job and really out of a career. His entire industry that he knew and was skilled in had crumbled around him. He went on to tell us how after months of job searching and not getting anywhere, he said he felt his “worthiness as a husband, as a father, and as a man was diminishing.” My heart crumbled for him, and I knew it wasn’t his fault for feeling this way.

As I’ve learned time and time again in my Gender and Communication class, our society has been set up to develop men as breadwinners and providers for their families. In a way, society has created what we can refer to as a “transformational truth- that nineteenth-century capitalism and nineteenth-century gender created each other.” From the time men start thinking about dating, we (I use the term “we” in referring to a capitalist, heteronormative society) assume they will be paying for the date, we breed them to believe they must take up a skill or career that can provide enough for an entire family to live on. Also, men and women alike value men that are paid more and hold jobs of higher status. Essentially, “the content of masculinity and femininity [is] always in flux. Placing people already classed as ‘male’ or ‘female’ into legal structures, financial relationships, and emergent states.”

It broke my heart that this man’s self-confidence in his ability to love and care for his family dwindled on a preconceived notion of what men should be that was placed on him long before he ever would have realized.

No one’s value should be placed on their income. No one’s value should be placed on their job status. This man’s value should be placed on the amount of love he bestowed through his words and actions over anything else. I fear it will be long before we realize that love can’t be measured by a dollar sign.

Source:

Hartigan-O'Connor, Ellen. "Gender's Value in the History of Capitalism." Journal of the Early Republic 36.4 (2016): 613. Web.

[genderbecking]

like a girl

A poem I wrote in honor of National Women’s Day . . .

Like a Girl

We build our own destinies We command attention We lift each other up We start successful businesses We make waves We thank those that paved the way for us We have muscles We are unapologetic We will not be told we can’t We march We break records We run the world We love We dream And we are not going anywhere, so make way. Women, It’s our turn now.

[genderbecking]

when the year is 2019 and male restrooms still don’t have changing tables

This isn’t just happening in the states, either. While in 2016, President Barack “signed into law a bill mandating diaper change tables in every bathroom of a federal building- meaning men’s restrooms, too” (although this clearly isn’t necessarily what’s happening in practice according to my dad friend, Jake), Elizabeth Porto, an Ontario-based mother has had enough with the gender-biases. Elizabeth and Mr. Porto claim themselves to be tag-team parents and equals when it comes to parental duties and started one of “at least six online petitions in Canada demanding baby stations accessible to all.”

Now, if you ask me, it seems ridiculous that this would even be something to debate about. Don’t men do half the work in creating a human life? They should be doing half the diaper changes too, if you ask me.

Moreover, it seems that men DO want to be doing half the diaper changing! As Jeremy McCall, a sponsor of another Ontario-based petition and president of the Dad Club London, proclaims, “It feels like getting punished for wanting to be good dads.”

Unfortunately, as I’ve been doing my research, the problem doesn’t simply stem from a lack of government interference. The backlash stems from private businesses who are concerned about the cost or space parameters that they would have to take into consideration when installing a changing table in a mens’ restroom. If this is the case- if small businesses are worried about reconstructing spaces to make this necessity available to all parents, I just wonder why it wasn’t an issue that was thought about when creating the businesses in question. 

I love the way Elizabeth Porto, a former restaurant owner and now federal occupational health and safety officer, sums up her opinion that is fully supported by myself and I’m sure parents all over the world, “Don’t tell me there’s no space for change tables. If we fit them in airplane restrooms, we can find a solution for small restaurant bathrooms.”

Source:

Alini, Erica. "Bathroom Wars 2.0: Should All Men's Rooms Have Diaper Tables, or Is There No Place for the State in the Nation's Public Bathrooms?" Maclean's 129.43 (2016): 48. Web.

[genderbecking]

cake

Lately, I find myself hearing the same story being told over and over. Girl meets boy, girl gets pregnant, boy and girl get engaged and/or married, boy cheats, girl is left alone with child. It is a simple formula that I dishearteningly have been witnessing far too often to the women in my life.

I’ve seen this happen time and time again and I can’t help but wonder why. Are boys finding themselves entitled to take what they want because our culture has taught them that they are the providers? After all, if you are the one making the cake, shouldn’t you be able to eat it too? Why are our men not taking responsibility and taking ownership for their choices?

We, in the US, live in an individualistic culture. This means that we value independence and have a common theme woven into our society which implies if you work hard, you can and will succeed. Whether or not this is true (which I claim it isn’t because it disregards so many other variables), I contemplate if this emphasis don living for yourself and only yourself is one of the factors that may lead to this type of abandonment behavior.

Allow me to connect the dots. When we value personal identity and independence as a society, this leads to us proclaiming ideas such as “you can’t live your life for other people.” But, what happens when you’ve made the choice, as in getting married or having a child, to live your life in some way for others? Does this clash of beliefs cause so much commotion in the male mindset that they simply can’t bear the choices they’ve made? I am not a man, I have never been in this situation, so I cannot surely say. However, with the amount of times I’ve seen this scenario play out, I do know a shift does happen. Furthermore, I know this shift is causing these men to retract steps they’ve made that cannot be erased and more often than not leave their partner and children to deal with the harsh repercussions of their actions on their own. But, if we have to live our lives for ourselves and no one else, isn’t this the right decision? Now you see the dilemma.

I can’t imagine how these problems can be eradicated. As I said before, there are a million variables that affect why these things happen. I can say, however, we need to be holding men responsible. I am not saying to handcuff them to their partners, but I am implying that starting at a younger age we must be teaching children of all genders that there is weight to their actions, and this weight is carried on the shoulders of others as they grow up. Instead of saying “boys will be boys”, we should be instilling values and thoughtfulness. Rather than letting men off the hook when they do choose to walk away from their choices with no repercussions, we should be encouraging empathy and ownership.

In addition, when these situations do happen, we must be more willing to help the single parents that are being left without the support of their partners. We create such a villain of the single mom without recognizing what she may have had to go through to reach the point she’s at. This is another topic I could discuss in great lengths, so perhaps I’ll save it for another post.

Hey everyone, let’s do better.

[genderbecking]

An unwarranted but necessary rewrite

If you wanna be my lover, you gotta

Fight for the rights of ALL humans, trust that the answers lie within feminism, erase the word “friendzone” from your vocabulary, let me cry because man I like to CRY, let me open doors for you too, respect my independence, understand that I am a full human with AND without you, know that breastfeeding is normal, take the cute photos when I want the cute photos, challenge me, not let me win, be willing to recognize privilege and entitlement, check yourself, check me, love all humans like you want to be loved, and never assume that my frustration is coming from my period rather than your mansplaining.

Then, we can talk.

[genderbecking]

I am a feminist, but...

Have you ever heard of a bad feminist? Maybe not directly, but I assure you that you’ve come across one or two. Being a feminist is tricky- trust me, I am one. It’s tricky because of all of the contradictions we face from day to day. I recently watched the TED Talk “Confessions of a Bad Feminist” by Roxane Gay and it was one of my favorite feminist speeches ever because for the first time, I understood that… listen carefully… IT’S OKAY TO NOT BE PERFECT.

To continue and get to the real focus of this post, we were asked in my Communication and Gender class to write about how we identify (or don’t) with feminism. This is what I wrote:

 I am a proud, contradictory feminist because I believe all women are as powerful and strong as men. I love raunchy music, wearing pretty dresses, and being my boyfriend’s arm candy, but call me a “chick” and see what happens. If you honk or whistle at me, I’ll tell you to fuck off and wave my middle finger, but still “feed me and tell me I’m pretty”. I love women, and I believe women have the RIGHT to make their OWN choices for themselves, not anyone else.

Roxane’s TED Talk:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fxt_MZKMdes

[genderbecking]

ladies man

I went back home this weekend to sweet home Sacramento. One of my favorite things about Sacramento is how no matter how long I am away, things seem to always be the same when I go back. This time, however, felt different. It shouldn’t be a surprise that I felt this way. After all, this time when my two closest friends visited, they were with their new baby boys in their arms. That sure was a change. I spent some time with my ‘nephews’, unable to look away from the miracles that they were and simply in awe of their tiny fingernails and big heads. But, I was taken out of the moment when my parents joined in on the peek-a-booing.

Allow me to begin by reassuring you that I do not consider myself an expert in babies, speaking to babies, or anything of the like, but I was taken aback by how my parents were interacting about my nephews. My dad was playing with both, lifting them by their arms and teasing them; on the other hand, my mom couldn’t stop cooing that they were already ladies’ men and were “already getting girls”. I was not only taken aback, but also taken back to sitting in my Communication and Gender class and watching students scribble down in green dry-erase markers the types of behaviors that defined our gender identity since, clearly, longer than we can even remember.

I chose to hold my tongue in this situation, but I couldn’t help but to imagine how these simple words would someday grow into expressions such as “be a man”, “lady-killer”, and “boys will be boys”. My nephews had no idea what words were being spoken to them, so I tried to think of the situation as minor and irrelevant. But there I was, sitting at a crossroads between letting it go and feeling the weight of everything I’ve learned about gender norms and feminism fall onto my shoulders. My first thought was “Mom, your own son is gay. How can you say these things about a child who just came into this world? Also, why would you want to? He’s a BABY.” (Side note- I tend to have lengthy conversations in my mind about things like this.) It astounded me that even the most open-minded, loving people too fall victim to the faults of heteronormativity. It’s not her fault, in fact, it’s not anyone’s fault directly. It’s the fault of generations of assuming there is a gender binary. It’s the fault of a capitalist market structure that from the time we are born, assumes we are either blue or pink and must stick to one of these two categories for a lifetime. It is no one’s fault, but at the same time, it is everyone’s.

I could have said something, but I didn’t. I don’t know if I regret it as much as I just wish there was an easy way to share the education I’ve been fortunate enough to obtain. The hard part is that these conversations don’t come easily, naturally, or even without consequences. I learned about these concepts- heteronormativity, binary, feminism- at times and places when I was willing to feel uncomfortable and willing to look through life with a lens of intersectionality. I understand why people might not be ready for these types of realizations. I can’t even say with certainty if I was ready myself, but that didn’t stop me from viewing everything in my life and everything that happens around me a little differently than I had even one year ago. I guess that’s where the change starts- knowing that you might not be perfect or know everything and also understanding that that’s okay. It begins with having to be a really active thinker (which might already turn some people off). It begins with knowing that when someone says to a baby that “he’s already getting all of the girls,” they’re contributing to an ancient way of thinking that boys will naturally be attracted to girls. It begins with withholding your natural instincts until those instincts change for the better. It’s something that won’t happen overnight, but it’s something that CAN happen if we make the choice to start.

[genderbecking]

hi

Welcome to my page, genderbecking. Though I have no intentions for anyone to view this other than my Communication + Gender professor (hi Picarelli), I figured I should still give myself an introduction. My name is Becky and I am a junior at California State University, Northridge majoring in communication studies. I am writing this blog as my final project and am so very excited to share what I witness in the world around me when it comes to how we human beings interact and live as gendered beings. I am 24 years old, white, born and raised in California, liberal, cisgender, and ‘heterosexual’ (though I’d rather identify as a point within a continuum of sexualities). I am choosing to relay this information to whomever is choosing to read this blog so you can understand where my opinions, ideals, and views may be stemming from. I in no way intend to offend through what I might share, but to simply do that- share.  

As for the name, genderbecking, it quite literally sprung into my mind as I was signing up for this account. I am a firm believer that a binary is made up and that in some way, each and every one of us falls within a spectrum of masculine behaviors, feminine behaviors, and all that has yet to be named. I am also a total sucker for a good pun.

That’s all I have for now. I look forward to making some critical observations and sharing them with the other genderbeckers that may find me here.