It’s not like she meant to disappear.
It’s not like she meant to go three weeks with her phone off and completely disconnected from the world.
It pained her that she had worried anyone. The screaming concern written on Georgina’s features is enough for her to feel the recognizable sinking on the pit of her stomach, making her feel bad about everything that had transpired, and incredibly unworthy at the same time.
She didn’t deserve this. She didn’t want this.
If people didn’t care about her, just how easier things would have been?
The past three weeks were a blur in the blonde’s mind. She had been careless to the point where she had promised herself never to be. Where she had been and who she had been with were questions as unanswerable as where do we come from and where do we go to. She had walked away from the hospital that Monday and at the same time, Lydia had walked away from herself. It almost angered her that other people felt entitled to feel worried about her, about her life, and her well-being. It didn’t make sense. What was about her that was so important? So vital to their lives? What was about her that made her earn a spot inside their mind, no matter how small? What was it about her that others saw and her mother had never seen?
Lydia had grown up under the tutelage of someone who should never have been considered fit for parenthood. She couldn’t remember a time where Thomas Beckett had been gentle towards her, or her sisters for that matter. He was angry, he was violent, and he knew all too well how to show it. Lydia had survived up until she was 18. Hiding away in Eleanor’s house or the school when she needed safe spaces to be. Hoping to get home after Thomas had slept so she could walk him by and pretend she was never home to begin with. She considered so many times to just pack her bags and leave, but who would she belong to if she did that? She excused a lot of his mistakes for the genetic bond that bound them together and the fact that Catherine had left them both. She never told anyone because she was aware that most people would feel it to be wrong, but he looked kind when he slept. Without a worry inside his busy brain and no trace of the nasty alcohol on him. People wouldn’t understand that in those small moments, she really did feel as if she had a father, so she never told them. Now, the blood that Lydia used to think to bind them together, didn’t exist anymore and in its place, left a gaping hole of what ifs, and what could have beens.
On April 13th she had woken up inside the dingy motel room she occupied without a trace of memory inside her mind. A small, blissful window where nothing had changed. Where the man in the hospital was still her father. Where she hadn’t already said terrible things to other people, or behaved lousily because she had been so filthy drunk she had lost control. She didn’t have that anymore. Every single ounce of control she thought to have conquered over the years was now all gone. Everything. Gone. Just like she wanted to be. How could she explain that to anyone?
She recognized Georgina’s tone. She pressed her lips together and instead of speaking anything, Lydia nodded at the question. Technically she had been sleeping, it wasn’t a lie, she just couldn’t remember when it was the last time she had winked for longer than an hour or two before nightmares took over. Trauma was a funny thing, wasn’t it? Her life had been going in a straight line and it only took one curveball to make it all go array. Lydia chewed on the inside of her cheek, wanting to look anywhere but the woman’s hazel hues. This wasn’t the time nor the place to be breaking down all over Georgina, after all, her kids were there, and if she did, Lydia didn’t think she would ever be able to look them in the eyes, ever again. “It’s fine, I’m fine,” she repeated, assuring, echoing her own thoughts and wishes. She just wanted to be fine. Lydia put her now shaking hands inside of the pockets of her coat, wanting desperately for Georgina to believe her words, but thinking it to be next to impossible. “I– I’ve been having a little trouble sleeping, but it’s nothing too serious, just a restless writer’s brain,” the blonde shrugged, hoping that would take the importance away from the whole ordeal. After all, it would hardly be the first time she lost sleep over something.
Georgina was kind to worry, but she also didn’t need. She shouldn’t have. She had the her whole world wrapping their small arms around her legs. It was a world where Lydia didn’t belong. She smiled at the brunette’s remark, but it was a dull and unflattering smile. Lydia felt far from the sunshine she deemed the brunette in front of her to be. Far from a shining constellation too. At that moment she felt almost as heavy as a rock and as dull as one too, without any of the benefits. “Something like that,” she tried, not even bothering to sell the lie, because they both could see it in Lydia’s eyes that she had not let anyone have it. The moment they were sharing was making her feel so vulnerable, the blonde needed to take another step back, just to give some more space between the two of them, but also took it as a chance to look at Joanna when she had spoken.
It pained to see Joanna so hidden behind her mother’s legs, just like Asher was now. Lydia didn’t have that many interactions with them, actually going over Georgina’s place very few times compared to their weekly encounter at Carmichael Roses for morning yoga sessions and coffee or green juice after. The times she had met with the two of them, however, were happy times. Joanna had once said she looked just like Cinderella, Elsa or Sleeping Beauty in the Disney movies, because of her blonde hair, constrasting Georgina’s Belle looks and her Snow White or Anna, though that had ensued a whole long debate over which princess was the very best and they had settled for Moana, even though they had soon talked it over and decided that maybe Moana shouldn’t be considered in the same level as the others, she was definitely a level more because she didn’t need a prince, and didn’t even marry. Asher was a whole other deal, he always talked to her freely, but once or twice he had blushed and it took Lydia a longer time to get him to warm up. She wasn’t a stranger to taking care of kids, she did take care of Declan, after all, and the mere sight of Asher and Joanna made her want to know how the boy was. She called in with Holly every once in a while, she knew she needed to come back to work sooner rather than later, she just didn’t know if she was ready to resume her life right now.
“She did?” Fuck, she remembered now. She had missed Geo’s birthday entirely. She knew there was something important she had been forgetting, but with her phone off, she didn’t have access to her schedule, she had noted there, to buy Geo’s present, and she had never did. In fact, money was already running low as she had refused to let Holly pay for her leave since she was taking longer than she had expected to. Lydia didn’t crouch to speak to Joanna, fearing that the young girl would smell the alcohol in the clothes and in her breath, that was something she hoped the young brunette would never be exposed to, but the same way her interaction with Joanna had started, it had soon ended when Georgina confirmed her daughter’s words. “You— uhm— you really didn’t have to, Geo,” it wasn’t her to dismiss, and she truly hoped that Georgina wasn’t expecting her to go and pick it up now. “Did you guys have fun? Was Mexico any better than Catalina?” Firing questions was the best way she thought at keeping questions from turning to her as she knew Georgina want to. “I-I’m sorry I didn’t call, I do have your present back at home and I didn’t know you’d be back by now, otherwise I’d have gone to give it to you.”
Observing the blonde like there’s no tomorrow further inflicts suffering to the brunette in ways Geo’s entire evening post this conversation will cause her to eat herself alive. Scenarios will play in her conscience as her body remains still in the California King Bed over what she should’ve said, or had done, to avoid the pricking disconnection. It would’ve been easy without the kids nearby, but a public setting brings the potential of wandering hues. So one would’ve expected the hug to finalize everything. To soothe the wounds, for another soul to feel comfortable, or the unspoken words to indicate they aren’t alone ─ as it’s what worked on her in the past.
Though, not everyone is or like Georgina Livingston. A grown woman with a relatively stable head over her upbringing years and with a family known for loving and supporting each other infinitely, as they would never allow her to tread down any journey alone. After all, Gabriel changed his whole training schedule to be at her bedside when the depths of hell and her postpartum turned mundane tasks like getting up to shower into an unbearable chore. Or when Gabby moved back, without hesitation, the second time around when the news of Tucker’s pass light up the other’s iPhone. They always had each other as neither of the siblings went to bed pitted with worry that one day, their bloodlines would disconnect from them entirely.
The Livingston’s wouldn’t be able to function without each other. It would be the sight of a fish panting for air, their lifeline, as they harbored a laying position on the sandy-cream beaches of Catalina. It would overall be worrisome.
So, while she knows and is indebted for the effortless and loving upbringing of her life, it’s something she never wants to shame others for not having. It doesn’t make her a better person than the next. But, it has taught her kindness and the importance of seeing things from someone else’s point of view. Even if she doesn’t know the big picture of Lydia’s upbringing before brief mentions, scattered here and there throughout their time spent together, some remarks about her mother, twin sisters, and their father ─ which the thought of the latter causes a lightbulb to go off in her conscience, hazel optics widening to the size of a tennis ball, as everything in her goes still and ponderous.
In the first couple of days, she asked about Thomas until things on her behalf began to tenant themselves in Georgina’s entire being and functionality. Does she, of all people, feel like an idiot for potentially missing the sign and the information that sat right in front of her. The blonde informed her about the elder man being in the hospital, but nothing in the amplitude of positivity or blithe radiating off the other. It would’ve been painfully obvious, just like it’s clear there’s something, and if it means she’ll have to reach, then she’ll do it. In the comfort of a safe space, not in public, though, since all four of them are planted in the middle of the sidewalk, patrons wandering right past them as peripheral vision alerts her. And for the first time, in another uncomfortable quietude that settled between statements, does her nurturing falsetto say something: “Ly,” Speaking up, though her voice is trembling like an infant learning to walk for the first time, “I’m an idiot. I forgot that your father was in the hospital. Or is.”
A breath in and out, focusing carefully on the action as it happens correctly in comparison to her half-assed effort lately ─ or, at least, how it felt. “I’m so sorry,” Geo says, unaware if she’s right or just getting ahead of herself. It will only be a matter of time until she knows where the nose hit the point early on. “I hope everything is okay. I meant to send flowers before the trip to Mexico, but everything got ahead of me.” Her own complications of clearing Tucker’s estate in Westlake being one of them. But, the details are kept to herself since this isn’t about her. It’s about the young blonde, a soul that has so much ahead of her and a passion that deserves to be showcased with the entire world, just like Geo witnesses every time they hang out with each other. The brunette couldn’t deny the sight of excellency in front of her and how she’d drop the entire world for Lydia just to see her happy again.
Over and over again, feeling like one of her many purposes in this world is to safeguard Lydia and to remind people they are lovable, regardless of how others treated them in the past.
Though the doe-eyed, azure indistinguishable image of Georgina has untwined itself from the leg she clung to, as merriment drips in the form of innocence and utter relief to be sharing these details. If Joanna only would know, or be aware, of the intensity currently unfolding between her mother and the blonde opposite of them. But, they’re just kids and already witnessed a passing in their life ─ as their relationship with Tucker has always been nonexistent. The last thing she wants to do is ruin the delight of the surprise or see her daughter pick up on anything else. So, without missing a step and a forced laugh, the marginally older woman begins, “I did…” Peeping down at Joanna, who makes eye contact with her mother’s multi-toned rims before holding up an index finger to initiate a correction will soon arriving. Mom, no, we did! Remember that cute store in the hotel, that’s where we got Lydia’s present! Before getting a chance to retort playfully, a forceful action that reminds her of the interaction she had months ago with Sebastian, Joanna’s attention pivots itself and says all too sweetly ─ making it clear Gabriel is rubbing off on her: You know, I have to remind her because of her age.
“Alright, it’s clear my brother is rubbing off on her.” It is amusing because her siblings have been picking at her fortieth birthday, which isn’t until next year. Nonetheless, it deems necessary to jump right into the conversation because if her daughter continues, they’ll be stuck here all evening, and nothing will get handled, especially the nagging feeling residing in her stomach about what the fuck is going on with Lydia. Taking a second to clear her throat and smile softly at her familiar companion, she nods foremost. “It only felt right. Hopefully, it will be something you can use or think about all three of us when we got a couple of days without seeing each other,” saccharine falsetto says with a tilt of her head, still in its observing state. “Because we love and care about you.” As it’s evident by how, even in the distance of a trip, the blonde holds a lasting impression. “But yes, the trip was everything and more,” she says in a relatively simple response, aware if they had more time, then Georgina would go into detail about everything they did and saw.
Nevertheless, just like astonishment rose to the surface when the metaphorical lightbulb went off, a similar widened expression finds itself over her features at the mention of her birthday and a gift. “Oh please, no you shouldn’t have gotten me anything,” Chuckle lips beforehand wave off, though admiring the kindness and thought, nonetheless. Presents is a form an endearment, but she always loved the gift of a wholesome company. “Maybe, and I would prefer this if possible, if you come over sometime next week to catch up correctly and everything like the gifts can happen then?”
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