You ever think about how weird gender is? My whole childhood felt like I was getting this idea of being a woman shoved down my throat- "Stuck it in, boy's won't like you if you look like that." "That's not how a young lady should act." "You can't play this sport, you're a *girl*" I was raised in a house that preached female empowerment then put me down and trapped me in the same box that all young girls are trapped in. My weight was put into question, the way I looked, the way I did my hair, the way I dressed- my mother dyed my hair blonde when I was already blond just bacuse it wasn't the right shade. I was treated as something fragile because how could a girl be strong? Yet I was told I couldn't cry or be sad because I was supposed to hold my head up high and not let others bring me down.
I dont know how old I was when I started feeling trapped- when I wanted to reject femininty. I wore baggy clothes and baseball caps, I played sports with the boys and I recoiled at dolls- anything pink and frilly was an insult. "Ew." I said say, "That stuffs for girlie girls." I looked down on those who did play with dolls and wore dresses- I pretened to hate those things- I judged the girls who were okay with their feminity.
Then I got older- and I started wearing heels and dresses and makeup. I still acted masculine, I still wore masculine outfits and did typically "boyish" things. I became a blend of these two worlds and could never stick with one or the other- it started shifting from appearance to identity. She/her felt right some days and not others, He/him, they/them- any pronouns, it didnt matter- its a constant shift between "This is right" and "This is wrong."
I dont like being indesisve. I dont like knowing what I am. Because people seem to think that lables are needed- people want me to tell them what I am and how to adrss me. "Call my anything" id say to them and I still get people doing it in the *wrong* ways- "She- he- whataddressever they are." it sounded like I was being a hassel, like I was wrong for not sticking to one thing. I never corrected people, i never told them that any one pronoun is wrong but they still treated it as if id get angry or defensive if they used the wrong thing.
Some started suggesting that I might be gender fluid- but putting a lable on this feels so suffacating. Im not gender fluid, im just. Not cis. Im not trans. Im not anything.
