To Anyone Who Tried to Reach to a Lost Former Friend
Easter was on April 5th. I remember feeling exhausted from the trip. I had a good time with my family on a trip to Maryland to visit a museum on Good Friday. I also remember last April, I almost had zero artworks done because of dealing with personal grief.
On Easter, I had three things on my mind: my assignments, visiting a friend for craft night, and an unresolved letter which shouldn’t have been sent. Probably the biggest lesson was to avoid any significant holidays around Thanksgiving, Christmas or Easter. I’m 100% okay with my birthday because I treat it like any other day in my life. Just a normal day. The only significant memory that I remember around my birthday was hanging out with another friend I met online in real life.
Thinking about that night, maybe I haven’t have the chance to say a proper goodbye or was it a gratitude letter that I was looking for? I have written so many unsent letters that didn’t have any kind of clarity. Maybe the best response should be minimal gratitude-goodbye letter like “Thank you for the lessons and for being my friend. I finally understand why the friendship ended.”
I never mourn for you. I mourn for the version that we used to be. I felt sorry that I hurt myself and everyone. If I intentionally became friends with your enemy, I call everyone a catalyst now, including myself. Advices that were given do not work for me. I am learning to separate myself from others.
My sense of safety isn’t the same as anyone else, and it should be a mutual feeling with friends, professionals and safe people. A friend in real life told me that they’re proud of me setting a boundary for someone who is not safe, and that was someone who has a crush on me. I did block that guy because after sharing my stuff about me, I felt drained. Having a misalignment with someone or hanging out with the wrong crowd will drain my energy. I'm glad to have another friend beside me, and especially the ones in real life. They're awesome!
Either way, that letter was a half-ass truth and a mistake, not the big picture about what happened. I shouldn’t have acted on it and wait to change my mind. My friend did text me to come over for the craft night at 6:30 pm, and the letter wasn't done. I could have said, "FUDGE! I gotta be on time!" and drop the letter, and forget about it.
My priorities aren't straighten out. My friend's text could have been a distraction to stop me from sending that letter, but I didn't stop. I realized my reactive self was being out of control over my clarity self. I should have realize it was Easter. I have written so many unsent letters in the past, and I wanted to send the apology to the old version of us. All of them were imperfect because it wouldn’t agree to who we are today. Looking back at the one I saved two months ago, it does sound a lot better than the one I sent but it’s a page longer than the recent.
I wonder why the other day I chose to explode the line with a less thoughtful one, than the long , thoughtful unsent letter, but chose not to sent it because it has the big picture and we’re not friends. All I know is that I’m not coming back. I know if I look back at them, I know that traumatic situation of losing them will prevent me from looking at them so I don’t have to know their timeline. It’s called a boundary. I can sense someone is checking on me around the holidays.
I was mentally two steps ahead upon receiving the feedback in case if I made a mistake, and those criticism doesn't hurt me anymore because I have reflected and detached myself from the situation. The early 20s was about figuring yourself out. Consequences will lead to growth. I realized I chose to move the timeline with someone who crossed path with me while some people stay stuck in the past and don't understand how I encounter him. I had dreams about this happening before everything comes to an end.
Then, I took a step back from a distance and saw their protective-reactive side of clarity. I think I need to figure out how to get one side of myself to agree with the other. I think I have hit the nail in the head.
Even I’m friends with foes and coworkers, they’re all gonna be temporary. I know a person and a pet who passed away in real life, and didn’t last forever. I also consider the future because who knows what will happen. To all my friends, just prepare for the day, I may step back online one day.
Nobody told me that when friendships come to an end without permanent real life death can be so exhausting and draining. I thought all friendships would last forever.
