criseldaaa

Hello ! Welcome to my world. By just scrolling down and reading you will know me little by little.

[girlsearchingforpurpose]

Little Things

Learn to appreciate little things. We, humans tend to overlook on this so called "little things"; we often take these things for granted not knowing that these are actually the greatest and bestest things that we have in life. So in turn, because we tend to ignore these little things, we always end up hurting our own selves; we feel incomplete, thus we look for something or someone that could fill that void - - to complete us. And that move is a huge mistake in our very own part. Why? Because, people are temporary; you meet them, you get attached to them, you developed some kind of majestic bonds with them - - it feels like you've met the other version of you, but you were wrong. You feel that way because at the back of your mind, you are looking and searching for someone who you can project yourself into. That is why, when people leave you with or without reasons why, you always end up in great pain. There is this pain that you can't just explain and it will keep you from functioning well - - it will leave you crying yourself to sleep, not wanting to do anything, not wanting to live because it is all useless. Why? Because, the per⁸son you thought was the other part of you, just suddenly left you. You feel complete when you are with that person but now that the person is gone, you are back to your old shattered self; but this time, it is a lot worse. You now question your self-worth, if you are deserving of anything or anyone. You feel worthless, useless. You go into this destructive mode: you are slowly destroying yourself, keep living in the past, hoping for the future wherein you and that person will be together. Stop that, wake up. It is not the end. That person is just one of the billions of people in this world. YOU KNOW, YOU DESERVE BETTER. But again, you will say, I love this person. YES, YOU DO. YOU LOVE THIS PERSON. BUT SOMETIMES THE PEOPLE THAT WE LOVE ARE ONES THAT WE NEED TO LET GO OF. What is the point of giving love, giving your all, your energy, your time, sacrificing your all, on a person who just takes you for granted, every single time. YOU ARE A SMART PERSON, YOU KNOW YOU DESERVE BETTER. STOP IT. DO NOT RUSH EITHER, HEALING TAKES TIME; FEEL ALL THE PAIN UNTIL ITS TOTALLY GONE. And one day, you will realize that the pain isn't there anymore. One day, you will realize the beauty of life. And especially, one day, YOU WILL REALIZE THAT YOU DO NOT NEED SOMEONE ELSE TO COMPLETE YOU, BECAUSE YOU - - YOU COMPLETE YOURSELF. So, now, LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF, FOCUS ON YOURSELF, AND LOVE FROM OTHERS WILL FOLLOW AFTERWARDS. BE HAPPY, BE FREE. APPRECIATE THOSE LITTLE THINGS IN YOUR LIFE: FEEL ALL THE EMOTIONS, DO NOT HOLD BACK, BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY YOU WILL FINALLY SAY I AM AT PEACE.

[girlsearchingforpurpose]

Being Used To

Being Used To

Have you ever heard of behavioral psychology? If not, then let me give you a background about this study and how it affects us in our everyday living.

Behavioral psychology

Behavioral psychology is the study of the connection between our minds and our behavior. Behaviorism is another term that is used to call this specific school of thought. Behavioral psychology is mostly famous for its theories about conditioning.

Ever heard of classical and operant conditioning? YES! These are theories founded by renowned behaviorists Pavlov and Skinner. Firstly, Classical Conditioning involves the association of a bell, a slice of meat, and the dog’s salivation. Operant Conditioning, on the other hand, focuses on the association of mice that are taught reinforcement and punishment of certain behaviors. (Well, forgive me if I commit a wrong linkage between them. Nobody’s perfect anyway.)

So, my point here is that sometimes, the circumstance you are in are slowly conditioning you to adjust to them. Especially when you experience that same event at almost every point in your life. It sucks right? That situation you are experiencing probably is a painful one. And if this pain (or rather, the pain brought to you by that moment) kept on getting back at you no matter how hard you avoid them, at some point, you will slowly be conditioned to this defense mechanism called “being used to”.

Yes! I’m claiming it as a defense mechanism!

Why exactly?

Because almost every one of us often uses this “being used to” defense mechanism, whether it is for our advantage or not. The question is, is “being used to” a good thing or not? Well, let me tell you my own opinion about it. And this is gonna be subjective.

Being used to something is a bad thing. "Why," you ask? Even though you are already hurt and in great pain because of this excuse that you’re always telling yourself every single time you face this same situation all over again, you just embrace it and do not have the initiative to break the toxic cycle. It's like you’re saying that it's fine (if you’re gonna go through the same situation over and over again) because you are used to it. The reality of this excuse that we always say is that they still hurt and would keep doing so. Since we don’t want to get out of this situation or lose something or someone, we are willing to be in this situation by saying “I’m used to it” - even if it causes us to repeatedly destroy ourselves in the process. And in return we feel numb about it.

It’s hard to break this cycle specially if that “being used to” has become now our habit, wherein we always say it as an excuse for us not to feel worse about it.

[girlsearchingforpurpose]

You Really Can’t Have It All

You really can't have everything in this world. You really can't have it all. Your life may seem perfect, may seem great because you have a career, a good job, supportive and loving friends and family, you get what you want, materialistically; it seems like you have it all already. But something inside of you is seeking for something - - something that you, yourself can't even figure out what it actually is or you know what is lacking on you but you are choosing to slip that away.

You are yearning for affection, intimacy and love. You have never experienced it before, and now the effect was when someone shows little interest or care about you, you will easily conclude that this person is the right one. And that you are willing to do anything for that person. That you are willing to endure the pain, to listen and believe in lies; you are blinded by the love you are seeking for.

You find comfort and peace in them, but it was pure manipulation - - it isn't true. It was all a facade. And you yourself knew that at the very beginning, but you chose to ignore it and gave it a try anyway because you have this mindset of: "What if that person is the one?", "What if I let that person slip away?". So you do everything that you could to let them feel loved. But in return, yes they give you love but that love isn't real. And you know it. It's just that you chose to be blinded by that fake love.

So when the time comes that they leave you, you feel like some part of you has died; it feels like you can't live without them, you endure those sleepless nights alone with your thoughts wondering: "Am I not enough?" "What have I done?", "Am I not deserving of the love I am giving?", "Am I just born to suffer in pain?", "Am I just born to be easily played at?", "Am I just a toy?". And a lot more negative, self-depreciating thoughts that led you to feel worthless, to feel useless and helpless.

You go on your day fighting alone, shrugging off the thoughts, but when darkness closes in, everything shatters into pieces, like it just happened just few minutes ago. You have a good heart, your intentions are pure too, but why? Why are you alone?

You think you are alone. But actually you are not. The love you are seeking from someone else is all inside of you. Your family and friends love you. And that is the love you are missing because you keep on searching for it from the wrong people.

But someday, I know you will get back on your feet. Someday, you will really truly know what real love feels like and how wonderful love actually is. Just wait; you are still young, you've had your heart broken a couple of times, but don't change. You are a good person; you have a good heart and you know your intentions are pure. You want no games. So don't change and just wait. You are still young, focus on yourself, on your family and friends. Let love find you and don't find love. Wait, just wait, be patient because they say that LOVE IS PATIENT, LOVE IS PURE.

You don't want games so just wait. It will come to you; and when that day comes, all the pain that you've felt from your past will fade away. You are a warrior. You are strong. You have a loving and caring support system: that is your family, friends and God.

Learn to find love inside you. You alone completes your whole being; don't rely on another person just to make you whole again; you are worthy of every single inch of love until you can take no more. I hope you finally meet your significant other that you have been desperately searching or waiting for. And when that time comes, please never ever lose sight of yourself in fear of losing that person. If you have flaws and he has some too, don't force to change each other just so you can fit each other's standards. You are your very own person; and your future partner is too. In love you shall rise, but not be too addictive with it. Know your limits. Set your boundaries. But for now, stop searching for love in another person and start looking for it by looking deep within your heart. Give love to yourself and to the people who truly matter as of the present. So that if you can truly meet the one for you...

... You have more than enough to give and you have some to spare for yourself.

[girlsearchingforpurpose]

to the person who loves hard

We always seek affection and intimacy from people who won't even give a glance at us. Neglecting those people who actually loves us. What a concept, right? you loving someone who doesn't even love you back even an inch, and someone loving you but you fail to see and accept it or you just simply ignore and neglect it. Knowing that they'll stay for you forever. But thats not the thing, they won't stay forever, especially if they aren't receiving the love they're giving. 

It's actually draining and tiring. Some people just walks away and moved on already, but others, their love for that someone is just way too deep that it's hard for them to let go, even though they aren't receiving anything. And those people who love hard and deep, trust me, they already forgot to love themselves.

They're way too invested giving love to the person who doesn't even notice their existence, or to the person who always takes them for granted. Those people are now out of energy but still they give the person they love a hundred and one percent of their attention despite of being ignored. They let their emotions and feelings control them. They give love, and all they receive is pain, and cryings. The ignored days - they spent their time overthinking things, the shoulds, the what ifs, and all they do is cry until they fall asleep. They won't even get a decent sleep because they're constantly checking their phones for messages and calls that were impossible. They know the impossibility of it but still the .1 percent of hope shines on them. They patiently waits. And then after days, or weeks, there's the response finally!. And guess what? the sufferings they felt during the waiting days, the cries, the pain, the sleepless nights, it all vanished.

Just one message from that person they love, everything goes back to the magical world of happily ever after. And then it goes back to ignoring game again and crying. It may seem like its a never ending cycle, but let me tell you, it will end soon. It may take months or years, but trust me, it will end soon. 

One day, that person will realized that its tiring, that its draining. It feels like its too late now to realize, but there's no perfect time in realizing to get your life back again together. And once that person decides to get her life back again, it will never be an easy task. There's a lot of bouncing back thats about to come, and its up to that person on how will she cope up with that. Some will just ignore it and continue on focusing on themselves, but others, they won't ignore it since they still have the love for that person.

So, they continue being a fool out of their deep love for them, but on a certain point, because she now is slowly learning to give love on herself again. That person is still staying,for her not to regret later on, for not expressing all the love she have for that person. Still a foolish move, right? But let me tell, people are different, they experience different pain levels, and they have different coping. 

They said that if you love someone, do not limit the love, express it all. Love is actually a temporary feeling. Its up to the persons involve if they can keep that love and stay together up until the end. 

Its a difficult process, loving yourself back again. But its totally worth it. Once you love yourself back again, the love you're seeking will come to you. You won't need to seek them and chase them. It will come to you and it will never confuse you.

[girlsearchingforpurpose]

Live - Leave

pieces scattered inside emptiness makes a howling sound its heavy and its getting heavier and heavier reds started to flow from inside to outside it stings a lot silence surrounds the place dissociation from reality hiding, pretending, and acting "as if" as if it doesn't hurt as if it doesn't matter at all as if it doesn't have a life as if its all just a game as if its all just a dream living and leaving whats the difference of the two living you live but you aren't living you just pretend you are its what you're good at leaving you leave but you aren't actually leaving you still stayed despite the hurting feelings you choose to stay despite the fact that you need yourself too you give yourself away for others to live but you aren't living and then the others you helped live leaves you behind too because you aren't actually living.

[girlsearchingforpurpose]

Ghost Love

You were my hardest good bye. I never thought I could fall in love with someone whom I will never ever see, hear, touch and feel the presence. I love him so much that it ruined me. But I don't care anyways because all I think about during those times is, its gonna be worth it in the end. Without thinking that its gonna be the actual end. They told me to move on, that, its just easy to forget someone whom you didn't see, and feel their presence yet. But I am telling you, its worse. You love the person deeply more than you love your own self, you crave for their presence, but its never gonna happen. Its all just a dream. It feels like a dream. It is just so hard to forget about someone when you're also longing for their presence, you want to know how would it feel to be with them even its just for a second, to see them in person even if its just for a second. It hurts a lot. Falling deeply in love with someone whom you didn't see yet and feel their presence yet. Its like falling in love with a ghost. It feels like wanting to go and search for the rest of the ocean without dying. It feels like wanting to go on a scorching sun without being on fire. It feels like wanting to get a hold of the air. It is impossible, way too impossible. But why? Why does this heart of mine betrays me, why does this heart of mine did this to me? Just why? But there's still hope living inside of me, not the hope of being us in the end, but the hope of seeing him in person, in the future. I wish that hope would come to reality soon. No matter how long it will take, as long as I see him, its fine with me. I don't care if he's with somebody else, all I wanted was to see him in person. Just that. How I wish that would eventually be happen.

[girlsearchingforpurpose]

Its been awhile since I posted. I have lots of entries on my phone but I couldnt get the right courage to post them.

[girlsearchingforpurpose]

I made this a while ago for I seek answers. But now that I got one, it enlightened me that THERE ARE STILL TEACHERS OUT THERE WHO BELIEVE IN US, STUDENTS. TEACHERS WHO WANTS US TO SUCCEED. TEACHERS WHO MOTIVATES AND INSPIRES US WHEN WERE FEELING DOWN. TEACHERS WHO IS CONCERN WITH US AND STILL TRUST US DESPITE THE FACT THAT WE DID MANY BAD THINGS ALREADY. I/ WE THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE 💚.

but going back, this poem contains what I feel a while ago. It contains hatred, pain and misunderstanding. Bare with me Im still learning, Im just expressing. If you are to judge me due to this one, then answer me 'Is it wrong to express my own feelings?'.

041318|c to some part

[girlsearchingforpurpose]

Here I lie, shattered soul and mind Wanting to be free, wanting to let go Pieces of myself swiftly drift away As the wind strongly blows my way Words struggle to form into sentences Begging and pleading, "Please! Help me!"

Beneath my shoulders lies a heavy weight Hundred and thousands of tons I yell, I kick, I push, still nobody's out there Silence penetrates the darkness Sending shivers to my shattered soul and mind, Begging and pleading, "Please! Help me!"

I now sit looking over the horizon Wondering what has gone wrong Feeling and sensing the sand below my hands It was then I realize, it is me who is at fault Screaming, crying, pleading, "Please! Help me!" Nevertheless, it was useless. No one came. No one helped.

The sun finally sets, with tears in my eyes I could finally show that genuine smile which I kept for the long time Reminiscing all those beautiful memories of the past With those people I truly loved, who got to know and accept the real 'me' My heart began to pound as the word 'eternity' began to show I have come a long way And finally, it is time to rest.

010218|1147

[girlsearchingforpurpose]

Can someone tell to this person how lucky he/she is for being able to live in this unknowingly pretty cruel world? Can someone explain to this person that he/she is lucky, and worthy. Can someone help this person who is not fond of asking help to anyone? Can someone listen to this person? This person is somebody you know but you didn't really know.

030918|1924

(photo ctto)

[girlsearchingforpurpose]

UP ABOVE

Sky so dear, peaceful and clear

Hear this calling

Of a little girl who just keeps on smiling

Make it rain so it will washed off

The pain and suffering of this little humane.

White and blue always surrounds you

Soft, tender, and fluffy that’s what I see

This little girl is longing, 

wanting to be with you and be free

When will it be ?she keeps on asking

She didn't know when but she knows her end.

Very soon, you and her will reunite

Having a joyful, peaceful family that so tight.

030518|1746

[girlsearchingforpurpose]

OCEAN

In this wide deep blue sea I’m staring

Tons of memories keeps flashing

Smiles, tears, and anger were endlessly clashing

What has gone wrong?

Questions that were already answered

Is it the beginning or ending?

Drowned while thinking and staring

In this cold and refreshing sea

The wind blew as hard as ever

Sitting still, being firm in the sand

Eyes closed without thoughts

We'll reunite soon, she finally assures.

Taking a step slowly towards the sea

Winds blew really hard, making every step hard

Keeping the balance of standing

No one and nothing will stop her from going.

Finally, she's few steps ahead

One, two, three, four, five, six

She felt it, waters run through her feet

She feels alive as if she and her were one.

She keeps walking and walking

No ones calling her except her

Above her chest, the water keeps warmth.

Closing her eyes as she smiles.

022818|1708

[girlsearchingforpurpose]

[122416]

She wanted to hate her, but she can’t. She didn’t know the reason why she can’t find the courage to hate her but today’s different. She knew the real reason. She doesn’t want the glass to be broken into pieces. She wants that glass be whole once again. She knew how hard it is to fix a thing that isn’t fixable. So she’s holding the glass firmly so that it won’t be shattered into pieces. She’s still hoping that even thought the glass has its own flaws it will become whole again.

[girlsearchingforpurpose]

asking myself [122316]1613

If I were to choose between life and death, I’d proudly choose death. At least I can’t feel  this built-in pain in me, I can’t think excessively too. I would be at peace not thinking about those thoughts that slowly kills me. 

[girlsearchingforpurpose]

Untitled [122216]

She lies down all day long

Not thinking if its wrong

She watch, read, and sleep

Keeping the cycle so deep.

She’s locked up herself

Not wanting to reveal the elf

Afraid of what will happen in the future

Praying she’ll be beside the nature.

[girlsearchingforpurpose]

[122016] 2045

She’s been lying to us since the very beginning. But because of her, I put a deaf ear, pretending I’m not listening or hearing. I acted like I do not know anything. But I know everything. I wanted to confront her and tell her to tell me everything that I knew was all a lie. But I can’t. I can’t seem to find that courage to ask her, to confront her, so I remained silent. Fear swallows me whole. I put a mask, a smiling mask but I was so dying of curiosity inside. It didn’t just happen once or twice, it happened a thousand times and still keeps happening until now. I pretended like a fool. I am not ready yet, as I say. I am not ready yet to accept this cruel reality that is bestowed on me.

[glassbonespaperskin]

There are some people you’ll never see again. At least, not in the same way

Iain Thomas (via glassbonespaperskin)