To whom it may concern
So, it is December 30,2017. I have been trying to write my emotions for years now and for some reason right now it’s the perfect moment. I’m not sure how to start or where I’m going with this, but I know one thing is for sure. Today is the day I start!
First of all I want to introduce myself. My name is Yanza deleon. I was born on the year 1993 in the month of December on the 21 day. Now I don’t want to just write some cliche stories or what not. I simply want to understand myself a little more and simply comprehend my feelings. Before I continue, let me make this clear. Somethings may be really hard to understand and sometimes I may not even make sense. Basically all my life has been a fucking roller coaster. Now, I don’t want to make it seem like my life is horrible. Or that I’m just being that person whos gone through hell and may just want attention and blah blah blah… Nope, it just ain’t.
So just sit there and listen because its just going to go down hill from now on. Good and bad.
It all started when I was a child. Life was pretty different growing up in little Mexico. I remember playing some random dumb childish games. Low key, I wish I could go back to them days. When things we’re so simple. Even though I feel I did not have a normal childhood. But then again, what is normal? I sometimes reminisce all those memories. All the good and all the bad. I sit there and meditate and go on a spiritual almost astral projection trip. I can see me running through the street in front of my granny’s home. Pretending I’m an Aztec Indian from the past. I would picture me wearing beautiful feathers on my head and shout as loud as I could and make them weird sounds natives did back then to communicate. It almost sounds to unreal like as if it never happened. Like if it were a dream I had a while back and I simply get nostalgia from it. When life did not make any sense but it was okay. When all I ever knew was, well, Me. A little person who didn’t understand a thing but had a humongous imagination and believed in fairy tales. Those times were the best for me. Although they really never lasted long. Shortly I will realize that life is not so peachy. Then the beatings came.
Growing up for the first 7 years of my life with mother and granny were just plain complicated. Both have OCD. So I’m pretty sure you can imagine what it was like for 7 year old Yanza in her grannys home. Normally i would have to keep our home spotless, clean to perfection. I would also had to look after my 4 siblings. For God sake, I was a fucking child!! Mother, why did you put all that responsibility on my shoulders? You have no idea what I felt. I try to justify mothers actions now that I’m grown but I just can’t simply put it to words. I want to say that I believe now that I’m a mother; it’s our responsibility to teach and guide our children. And yes we have to educate them so they won’t be no fuck growing up. But 7 year Yanza wanted to kill herself because she didn’t understand what was happening. She got her ass beat for not keeping the house clean. 7 year old Yanza got her ass beat for not watching and taking care of her siblings properly. 7 year Yanza was put down for eating to much. Stop fucking eating so much!!!! Your going to get fat. Which by the way I now weight 248 lbs. (Go figure). I feel that I’m bitching to much and I’m probably over exaggerating. But 7 year old Yanza was in a dark place. Then the sexual abuse happen.
As this story moves forward you may wonder how I am right now. Which is totally cool. I’m super. I may need some therapy. But growing up Mexican American you learn to take shit and get over it and move on. It may sound harsh or whatever but please understand that I didn’t have the luxury of having a Psychiatrist. I Defenetly did not take medication for depression nor anxiety. Father always say that in this life one can’t be a little bitch. One has to be strong and fight till you cannot longer do. 7 year old Yanza did not understand that back then. 7 year old Yanza was secretly being sexually abuse and no one knew. 7 year gisela wanted to banish from existence…
To be continued…
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