How many times must I destroy my own happiness just to please others that I donāt even know?
You wouldnāt die for me so why should I die for you? Is our potential friendship more important to me than love or even my life?
No. Not that that love even lasted long, and to be honest I donāt even care. It was nothing to me in the end. But my life, thatās the one thing I will never let you take. So many people have tried and failed, I will not let people win now. I refuse.
But they only think of themselves, theyĀ donāt care how much it hurts when they throw their words at you.Ā It hurts even more when they say it behind you back but you still find out. Thatās not even the end of it. How didĀ IĀ find out you ask? Someone who was supposed to be a friend committed the ultimate betrayal and tried to cover it up. Huh...jokes on you I saw through your lies and now youāre the one whoās going to get burned. That I will make sure of.
But still, you want to please them ā even though you want nothing more than to never see or hear from them again. You rip yourself apart in a million different directions just to hold up the brave facade you created.
But you are not brave, you never were. Life is a struggle, even more so for you, and people like that just want to make you trip and fall.
They want you to fail so you donāt surpass them.Ā They want to make only themselves feel better.Ā They want to cheat and make themselves the winner, the victor, the King and Queen. They do it because they are selfish and because of it they donāt deserve your kindness.
But again, you still give them every ounce of your kindness because that's what you were expectedĀ to do as a child.Ā And now you have to hold up the braveness you feel you should give off just because you are too scared to change that one little thing about yourself in case it causes the world around you to fall apart.
Change also means that the panic and anxiety has an open doorway to creep through.Ā Make no mistake,Ā it will take advantage of that. So, to avoid the late night anxiety attacks, the daytime panic attacks, you put on a smile, or at least try too, and face the world as if it canāt hurt you. It does though, and there is only one way to cope, itās wrong and messy but the blade has always brought you calm. Every time you try to stop there is just that one tiny thing that pushes you back and undoes all the hard work you did. Now you donāt even bother to try and stop, you just make sure it doesnāt go too far.
You donāt want to kill yourself ā you just want to pain to stop.
Some people just donāt understand that. They think they can magically fix everything by just saying āStop, talk to me.ā Well screw you, go to hell, you know nothing about me.
You just want the world to see you as yourself ā not the mask you have worn so often you donāt even know if you can take it off.
Does anyone even care that you sit all day by yourself?
Does anyone care that you favour one leg over the other because the red lines you drew pull with pain on every step?
Does anyone even care about how sick you look? ... How broken you are? ...
...Do they care about anything but themselves?
Those questions will never be fully answered but I donāt want them to be. I fear that if I had those answers it might be the final straw; thatĀ one straw holding up everything being slowly pulled away from me. Until everything that straw held up comes crashing down.
I will not shatter though ā I already have.
No. I am not OK. Not that I tell them that.
My carefully constructed walls are graduallyĀ crumbling to the ground.Ā I am breaking apart from the inside out and there is only one thing to do to stop a complete system failure: A complete wipe, a clean slate.
Ā ...If only it was that beautifully simple.
(Now look very closely and read just the bold)
