man with dog

art, writing and stuff as I struggle with life.

[gnarliver]

To the people who hurt me

Pretty self explanatory.

Daniel: Where do I start with you? You were supposed to be my rock. My someone. My person. But you let me down continuously. You're the first I mentioned on here because you were what broke me the hardest.

Dad: I was honestly a daddy's girl from day one. I loved being able to hang out with you and learn about cars. But something changed when I got older and things got complicated. All of a sudden you became someone who couldn't back me when I needed it the most.

Mom: While we have our good times, you were absent when a girl really needed her mom. One of the reasons I chose to stop HRT for Layla. Sometimes a girl just needs her mom...

Joe W.: You took advantage of my kindness and tried to make it seem like I was the bad person for trusting you and people in general.

Dimi: oh lookie! Another man who took advantage of me. Sending me dick pics even though you knew I am married and flirting with me?? Then saying I'm coming off too strong when I tell you I want to leave my husband (not for you, just in general). And the ghosting me after saying you still want to be friends. Cool.

Chad: wow where do I start? You got into it pretty hot and heavy quick. I don't know if you have some issues with your sexuality or possibly you are just trying SO HARD to be someone you are not. Either way, you confirmed my theory to never trust a man who is 30 and single. There's a reason why they're single.

Rob: here we go again!! Another man over 30 lol I never learn. You seemed like a very intelligent person who genuinely wanted to converse with me. Then came the inappropriate conversation. Which I will admit I welcomed at first. But then guess what??? You ghosted me. Cool story. It's over now too.

So here I am, struggling to be happy in my marriage that seems like it's at the end of it's rope. I have no one. I have no friends that really take the time to understand my situation.

I am alone and all I have left is Layla.

So my life is for Layla. Not me. Not Daniel. Not anyone else.

I'm dedicating my body and mind to her and anything that will help her, I will be.

So once again, I'm putting HRT on hold. I am done trying to find my happiness because I am not meant to be happy. Right now, I'm just going to raise my child.

[gnarliver]

Finally! Hello internet world, my story of fatherhood and transitioning has continued. I am officially on testosterone (approximately three weeks now). Am prescribed 25 CCs and I have very small bottom growth, ance and my voice is cracking. Emotionally have been the most difficult. I have mood swings, rage and severe depression out of no where. I am working on getting back into counseling... Being a dad? Amazing. Layla is perfect. She is my world. I am happy I chose to keep her. I am confident she will love me no matter what. Sometimes I wonder if she will need a mom; a woman to show her the ways of being a woman. But then I think, I WAS a woman to society for 20 years. I KNOW how to be a woman (not like I was, but I know how...) I can help her with her first period, first boyfriend, first sexual experience, even getting married as a woman. I got this. She will always have me as a mom (somewhere deep down, you can't get rid of those mothering instincts!) But I hope she sees me as a dad. Here's to a positive new future. Follow my blog for more updates! Next week, I will post body pictures, and continue them monthly. And remember, having a baby doesn't make you any less of a man. If you were given something by mistake (how I like to think of this), then use it!! Jokes on you God, I got my own baby.

[gnarliver]

Layla was born one month early, but healthy and happy. This is her now, at eight months. Wow. Time has flown by.

[gnarliver]

Third trimester

I'm officially in my third trimester. Layla is getting stronger everyday and in return, my stretch marks are growing in number as well. I have developed a torn muscle that keeps me up at night, and recently my breasts have started leaking. That really upset me at first, but now I am coming to terms with it. Sometimes I get depressed while looking at myself in the mirror. Seeing all the fat deposit on my legs and ass. All the stretch marks on my chest. My ever growing stomach. My love handles spilling over my underwear. It's upsetting but there's nothing I can do but deal with it. It'll be over soon. 12 weeks. I got this. I hope.

[gnarliver]

It's a girl! I am officially over half way done with the pregnancy and now the bun has a name. Layla. She has been growing so much and now can move hard enough for both dads to feel her. Being pregnant and having to live as a woman again for a few more months has made me realize that I really do need to transition into becoming the man I need to be. I have always questioned if I was a transman or maybe just gender fluid but now I know that I am at least mostly a transman. I want to start testosterone as soon as I can. But if I plan to breastfeed it will have to wait even longer. I can't afford to formula feed so breastfeeding is a must.

[gnarliver]

Sweet baby Jesus.

Thank you for the option to not let people reply to my posts. ☺️ yay bro. I am a happy pregnant man now (that sounds weird but yeah??) Update number 3! 14 weeks and two days. The bun is the size of an orange. I felt what I thought was kicks earlier tonight. It was weird and I still don't know how to feel about it. The bun has a big show coming up as it will be put on the big screen again so dad can see it. It's been almost two months since I've seen the little one. We heard it's heartbeat two weeks ago. 151 BPM and now the risk of miscarriage is at a low 3%. Of course I am feeling more and more anxious and depressed (a vicious cycle) about my body. I am showing now and my boobs have gone up a full cup size. I have acne and my skin is extremely dry. Every day is a struggle because now I HAVE to wear a bra (not a sports bra or my binder) and people are calling me "mom" and stuff. My husband is still supportive and is doing his best but the dysphoria is very extreme now. I feel even more out of place and am now struggling with the extra pounds on my butt. Being a man and carrying a baby is hard. It's scary. It's depressing and it has me at my limit but I will push on for the bun and for my husband. I want to give him his own biological child before I transition. It's the best I can do since he stayed with me despite being a straight man. We will work together as a family. Please continue to check back and keep watching my updates. I will have ultrasound photos next time.

[gnarliver]

My final post on Yuri on Ice

I will be very delicate with how i word this. I don't want anyone who has a good heart to take this personally. I know there are good people in this fandom. I know you're out there. I see your posts. To the nasty ones. The ones that are being rude. The ones that tell me "I must not have been watching." The ones that tell me in a 6,000 word post that I'm wrong and stupid. You're everything that is wrong with society. Yuri on Ice has given me something very special. Finally an anime that can accurately represent true love. Enduring love. Not some high school romance. Soulmates. That kind of love. A love I can relate to. One where you see the bad and the ugly and chose to embrace it. One where you help one another overcome your weakness and grow together but separately at the same time. I love my husband and he has shown me the same love Viktor has shown Katsuki. They love one another on a deeper level than what I believe most can feel but I can relate. It's more than sexual attraction (which is what I believe most people want to turn this into). This took time. Viktor did not fall in love the night Katsuki asked him drunkenly to be his coach. He was inspired. He fell in love after watching his determination. Katsuki fell in love once he realized Viktor was there to fully support him no matter what. It wasn't romantic love at first, I don't think. More like a bromance. But they both knew it was deeper than that. So they may be engaged now. They may not be. I can see this as being a thing they will leave for us to decide (very much like the kiss scene we were given where you never actually saw the kiss). We decide where this anime goes. So for anyone to tell me that I'm wrong for having my own opinions is being very rude. You are crushing my own interpretation on something that I was allowed to do so on. This fandom has already pushed at least five people I know away from the show. You all need to keep your hormones under control and stop bullying people on the internet. All in all, everyone agrees that Yuri on Ice has given us a whole new kind of love to experience. Let's not spoil what they have worked so hard on. If you read an opinion different from yours. Move on and just let it be. It's useless and immature to pick a fight over a show.

[gnarliver]

Since everyone on Tumblr seems to think they're smarter than me.

This is my blog. You don't like what I have to say, get the hell off of it. I am ALLOWED to share my damn opinion over an anime. GET OVER IT AND STOP TRYING TO BEAT ME DOWN INTO YOUR LITTLE YAOI OBSESSION. This is something that NEEDS TO STOP. I understand I may be wrong and have misunderstandings but it is RUDE to treat me like a lesser of a fan because I do not believe two men are having a superficial homosexual relationship. I will not participate in this yaoi obsession. This damn site is a curse and I can see why people say not to share your opinion on here. So once again. I will delete my post because I don't want to be the fucking laughing stock just because I'm not like the rest of you. I've spent my life dealing with that and I don't need any more BULLIES to make me feel less important. If you all have something you'd like to say against me, JUST GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE. I do not need to cater to anyone's opinions ever.

[gnarliver]

Update #2 on pregnancy

I am now ten weeks and five days. Baby bump is growing and the dysphoria is setting in even worse. My clothes aren't fitting the same and it sucks. My baby is due on my husband's birthday. June 12th. That will make two Gemini that I will live with. I am a Scorpio. Typically, we shouldn't even get along but I am hoping that my child will listen to me more than my husband does.

[gnarliver]

Why did I venture here?

Really this site is just a fight waiting to happen.

[gnarliver]

Transman and pregnant.

Although this blog serves as mostly a fandom and fanart blog, I don't feel like starting a new one for my journey through pregnancy as well (mostly because I will likely forget the other one exists). I am female to male transgender and was due to start testosterone in the beginning of October. After suffering for over 12 years in knowing I was trans but not being able to do anything about it, I finally could see relief in sight. My ideal life was going to start. I cut all my hair off, threw out my "girl clothes" and bought an entirely new set of clothes. I had married my high school sweetheart who supported me through all of me transitioning. He was and still is my biggest supporter. Then I was getting ready for my last period. Then a few days past and no period. Soon it was the whole week. I had never been late. So I decided just to be sure, on Sunday morning if I hadn't started I would take a pregnancy test. Thats when my entire world fell apart. It was positive. I had thought I had gotten the flu recently and was feeling nauseous and tired all the time. My breast were sore but I thought it was muscle aches. But it all made sense when I saw that test. I sat on the toilet crying in my husband's stomach for at least an hour. Monday morning came and I took another just to be sure. It was positive again. I had already filled my prescription for testosterone on Saturday. I was just waiting on instructions to inject. My hopes and dreams were literally sitting in a bag on the kitchen counter. After a long talk involving phrases like "it's up to you" and "no one has to know you are / were pregnant" we finally decided that we needed to make a scary but mature decision. We had eventually wanted a child by means of adoption but it seemed like the Universe was telling us to have this baby. So I called my doctor and told her everything and she said that she will be waiting for me to have the baby to see if I still want to continue HRT. As of right now, I am nine weeks pregnant. My due date is June 12th 2017 (my husband's birthday actually). The baby is healthy as we could see on the ultrasound and I've been informed that everything looks promising of having a full term pregnancy. I am starting to show a little. It kind of just looks like I need to poop constantly. My breast have already started to fill in more (I'm probably pushing a C cup going into a D). I have morning sickness but that seems to be the worst of the symptoms so far. I am doing my best to handle all of this but will be posting on here to vent where my family can't see it. So please, ladies and men. You can go years without getting pregnant while having unprotected sex. I did. But once my husband found out he is type 1 diabetic and got his blood sugar under control, I got pregnant with in a few months. If you don't want a child, use protection. Please. I don't want any women or homosexual transmen to feel how I do.

[randomsplashes]

me, waiting for next week’s yuri on ice episode:

[oldmossjiu]

[gnarliver]

It is confirmed! Yuri's feelings for Viktor!

I was right✌🏻

[pelajic]

[gnarliver]

Stamina for daaaaayyyyyyzzzzzz

[delicourse]

russian ice man

[gnarliver]

OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY

[gnarliver]

Yuuri and Viktor

(Takes a long and deep breath) Okay so basically I feel like something MUST be said about this couple (yes I will be referring to them as a couple, whether it's emotional or romantic/physical is yet to be shown). I have been with my husband for seven years now. He is Viktor's age to be exact. I am 23 right now and we have grown together through these years. As someone who has experienced falling in love in a way that is on a deep, spiritual level, I need to tell some of you fans out there that while they may be a full blown gay couple to most of you, I think you need to look at this as a very innocent type of love right now. The same love you feel for your best friend. Your ride or die. The peanut butter to your jelly. This is how Yuuri and Viktor are. While there is definitely some hints that Viktor himself might be at the least bisexual, I don't think Yuuri has ever looked at Viktor in a sexual way. He is clearly flustered when Viktor gets to close which does show that he thinks Viktor is handsome but it doesn't mean that he is lusting for him. Viktor sees Yuuri as a tiny little bud that he knows will bloom into a beautiful flower if given the proper care. He watched Yuuri skate many times before they met, and could see his nervousness but also the potential. It had been said that Yuuri skates the best when no one is watching (that will make him nervous) so Viktor had no way of knowing just how good Yuuri was. He already had Yuuri in his mind when he saw the video online of Yuuri performing his own routine. He was astonished because he saw himself. He saw all the pain, disappointment, heartbreak, embarrassment and awkwardness of living as a man at the age. He knew that he needed to go help this man before Yuuri would completely destroy himself. So Viktor went to Japan and met Yuuri. He was greeted by the fan boy he expected. What he didn't expect was the honesty Yuuri showed or the courage he was willing to muster up for Viktor. He was touched by seeing that someone really understood him. In comparison to my husband, Viktor is in the "what am I doing as an adult" stage. Not the one you feel when you graduate high school or even in your mid 20s. This one sneeks up on you. One day you're a man on top of the world and then the next day you wonder what comes next. Viktor was stressed about what he was going to do and Yuuri gave him a new meaning. He gave him youth, fun and happiness. He felt like he was 20 again when he laughed with Yuuri. That's the kind of love this is. Yuuri is most comfortable with Viktor and Viktor needs Yuuri to feel alive again.