Worst Fears and Unexpected Terror
So, I had my first nightmare in over a decade last night. It was the most horrible dream I’ve ever had.
Now, before I continue, I suppose I’d have to define a “nightmare” for myself. A “nightmare”, to me, is a dream that scare the living shit out of you and leaves you feeling uneasy, hours after waking up. A truly heart-pounding, unnerving dream. Now, I have dreams that many would consider nightmares and I have them often. Dreams about monsters chasing me; dreams about wild animals, such as snakes, wolves, and the like, all chasing me, hunting me. I’ve had dreams where someone was out to get me, trying to kill me. And there have even been a few where I was in a fatal accident and I wake up just before the final impact. To me these dreams are simply odd, or even interesting. Nothing about them tends to really frighten me or have any lasting effect after I wake up. I just look around, realize where I am, and then I get a drink, wet my throat, and easily fall back into my slumber.
Now, there was one dream I had this summer that almost freaked me out while I was training with my military unit. But I just forgot where I was and woke up in pitch-black darkness. Once I remembered I wasn’t home (and therefore wasn't drugged and kidnapped), I went back to sleep (but not before helping myself to a nightcap from my battle-buddy’s wall locker).
But this dream I had last night was unlike any of those experiences. It wasn’t very long, from what I can remember, but it shook me to my very core. And the ironic thing about this is the fact that the dream was completely impossible and totally unrealistic. But it kept my heart racing for more than 2 hours after I woke up. It took the breath away from me and kept me in an irrational state of panic for longer than I care to remember. It left a hole in my chest and a knot in my stomach, making me feel both numb and sick, trembling and scrambling to collect myself.
Before I tell you what the dream was, let me give a little background about myself, for those of you who don’t know me. I’m 29 years old, married to a beautiful and artistically talented woman who simultaneously drives me fucking bat-shit crazy and pushes me to be the very best man I can be, and I’m father to four amazing children, 3 boys (9, 7, and 3) and a 9 month old little girl. I’m also divorced. My oldest 2 sons are from my previous marriage and they live with my ex-wife and visit me as often as she allows (which is only exactly the bare minimum the divorce papers require). We all have a good time together, and the boys are as close as can possibly be, much closer than I ever expected, given the amount of time they get to spend with each other. And they all look after their baby sister like she’s a treasure to be protected. I couldn’t ask for better sons. My 7 year old is a football player, and he’s really good!! He and I share a love of the outdoors. My 9 year old is more of a geek, and that’s something that he and I share. He is a HUGE Legend of Zelda fan (my wife recently made him a replica of the Champion’s Tunic from the Breath of the Wild title) and he’s currently making his way through the Harry Potter books. We talk about them all the time and carry on conversations about all the games they play, the books they read, and the sports they play. We have always had a very close bond, despite our lack of time together. And I love them and their brother and sister with all my heart.
Now that you have that, on to the nightmare:
In my dream, I was on a spaceship. It was traveling from our solar system (the Sol System) to another, unnamed star system. This new system was several, possibly THOUSANDS of lightyears from ours, but the technology we had was so advanced that the trip only took a few weeks. Hardly a noticeable about of time in the grand scheme of things. And no one had to be put to sleep or in stasis to make the trip. We all experienced every minute of it from launch until we arrived. As we orbited this new planet we were going to explore (and presumably colonize) a voice came over the ship’s intercom and announced the arrival time. This disembodied voice announced that 320 Earth years had passed since our launch to our arrival. That was so cool, I thought. Time dilation was a bit of a mind fuck and I was curious to see what had happened to my home planet by the time I got back.
320 years had passed on Earth since I left.
320 years since I said good-bye to my eldest sons. To my firstborn.
320 years since I held them.
320 years since I hugged them. Kissed them.
The world around me spun, wobbled, melted away, came back, and started over.
I stumbled around the ship, just repeating the word “No”. First mumbling it, them muttering it, and then, eventually, screaming it at the top of my lungs.
I burst into tears as I searched for my family. My wife, my youngest son, and my daughter. Assuming they were with me. Trying to process the fate of my other sons. The fact that they grew up without me. Got married. Had children. Grandchildren. Lived full lives. Without me. And then...died. All within less than a month of my own life. They were gone. And I couldn’t undo it. I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t see them. I gave them up. For what? My whole life was gone...and I was hollow..lost.
And then I woke up. I looked over at my wife. I checked on my children. And I grabbed a cup of coffee. Then I sat back on my bed and mourned the loss of my sons. The terror of this loss gripped my heart for over two hours as I waited for my wife and kids to get up. Then we watched a movie called DAYBREAKERS on Amazon, one about vampires who took over the world. I hugged my youngest son and my daughter tighter than I usually do. And I held them there longer than I usually do. And I kissed my wife, deeper than I usually do.
Family is a precious thing. It can be fleeting, as the world is unpredictable. You should cherish every moment you have with them. Love them with everything you have. And then love them with more. And don’t stop there.
I pick my oldest two sons up for my visitation this weekend. I think we’ll go to a movie to celebrate. And I’m going to hug them a little longer and a little tighter than I usually do...