i have so many thoughts about jjk 261 and so much pain from it. i've loved satoru with all of my heart for four years so i can't really process this, let alone accept it..
i'm just really really hurt that he's stripped of his humanity even after death. i understand why they did it and i know his students love him. but i'm just so hurt.
i think about how satoru gave so much importance to paying respects to suguru's body and giving him a proper burial, and even asking him "how are you gonna let yourself get used like that?" the moment he saw kenjaku for the first time, but when he had to be the one who had to be used, he didn't care... it hurts a lot. i don't think satoru has ever seen himself as a normal human who had the right to be cared for like everybody else.
many people think that since he verbally consented to it we shouldn't dwell too much on this, but that'd mean not understanding how satoru really is. and he is very good at masking his emotions.
satoru who so deeply cares about protecting his students, their youth, their innocence (even if they're sorcerers) and gave it his all to make that a possibility (murdering the higher ups). satoru who is filled with contempt when humans/corpses are being controlled, saying it's an inhumane act. satoru who always tried his best to make everybody feel included, welcomed, humanizing them (like he did with yuta), does the opposite to himself, unknowingly, at his last moments. disregarding his life's importance, claiming "i'm not gonna lose, so i don't really care." and it's heartbreaking.
i think gege is a really good writer when it comes to gojo, and 261 is a great example. satoru was doomed since the day he was born; tracked and stalked since he was a kid, jujutsu society never treated him like a normal boy. and he died without an ounce of compassion from that society. it's tragic, but it's fitting. i just wish he could've gotten some kind of mercy. some rest. not just in his imagination, as his teenage self.
his students loved him, and he was a father figure to some. so i understand that this was hurtful to them. but i don't think anybody else apart from them saw him as just "satoru". not even shoko. that's why i believe he thought when geto left he was left alone, even if shoko was there, because nobody else had truly understood him, seen him as a human.
which is why gojo declined yuta's offer of "stopping being a monster alone". he can't do that, because geto had to be a monster alone. and even though gojo claimed that he didn't feel lonely anymore, saying "there was a line i drew, not as a human, but as a living creature", i think deep down he's always seeked to feel understood. he just started accepting that it would never happen, so he didn't hold any grudges against anybody.
satoru is a very complex character. he is very emotional, he loves and cares very deeply, but he only shows it through actions, so it's hard to notice sometimes.
it's gonna be really hard for me to read jjk after this. i don't think i'm able to see gojo's body being used like this every week. i'm so heartbroken. every time i think about it i start crying. chapter 236 was really hard to process, but it's nothing compared to this. having confirmation that gojo is gone is enough for me to breakdown, even if a small part of me still believes that he will come back (somehow..) but seeing his dead body get used like this? it's just impossible. i won't ever get over this.
when i think about satoru's dead, cold body. his lifeless eyes. his bloodied face and body. being stitched up. removing his brain. i just can't. it's so so painful. i saw this art and i wanted to die. my heart hurts so bad. this angel doesn't deserve to be treated like this. my poor poor boy i feel so helpless.
i'm just gonna remind myself that gojo is at peace in his imagination, at the airport, with geto and his friends. i hope to god he is not able to feel anything that's happening. because if he somehow has some kind of autonomy like geto did inside kenjaku, i'm gonna kill myself. i really just want him to rest (you did it gege, i want him dead now) i don't want him to see anything that happens after this. i want him to be at peace, knowing that his dream came true, he nurtured strong allies that could surpass him. i want him to keep smiling in his imagination, with geto. i don't want him to feel any other thing.
i'm just really hurt. i will always love satoru. if he comes back, i hope it's only as satoru, without the weight of the world on his shoulders, and he can finally live a peaceful life.
