push & pull

you P U S H and you pull but you'd never know crept up in you and i wouldn't LET GO

[gold49]

📨eli

Jake: You're something else but I'm grateful for it. I really am. I won't ever hurt you again, I swear. Neither did I. I just wanted to keep fucking you all night. You're honestly the best partner I've ever had. No one has ever gotten under my skin like you, and that's saying something.

Jake: Of course you can. I know it'll be tough so I'll be around to help you get through it. Whatever you need.

Eli: I know you won't, but no matter what happens, I'll be sticking it out. Jesus, you kill me. So fucking crazy about you.

Eli: Thank you, J.

[gold49]

📨eli

Jake: I'll keep that in mind because he deserves to have his ass handed to him for all the crap he's done to both you and your mother. I don't want him walking around thinking he can get away with that because it's not right. I guess but I still hate knowing I've broken your heart. That's not who I am. That was seriously unbelievable sex we had. I can promise we'll have more times like that. I'm every bit as kinky when I'm sober too. Whenever we get back to that point with each other, I'll deliver.

Eli: Broken it but then fixed it all, even better than it had been before. I don't hold resentment over any of it. I love you too much for that. Fucking unreal, I never wanted it to end. God, I can't wait. You're incredible in bed. Always, but certainly in bed.

Eli: So...like I said, I'm going to break everything to Matt soon. Within the next few days, because I don't want to drag this out any longer. Is it okay if I get in touch with you after it happens? I know it'll be a hard talk and speaking with you always makes me feel better.

[gold49]

📨eli

Jake: It's still so tempting to. Knowing that someone has put their hands on you makes me furious. I'm a hypocrite because I've hurt you in my own ways but I don't know. I hate what he did. It's embarrassing to talk about but I feel better getting it off my chest. I would fight it so hard some nights but addiction is a crazy thing. That was one of my favorite nights with you. I had a great time. Not to mention we hooked up like crazy which, of course, I was a fan of. But don't feel bad, seriously. That was my decision to make and I don't regret it. You had a good time and that was the goal.

Eli: As bad as this sounds, I wouldn't stop you. /But/ that's under the circumstance that you're feeling good on a consistent basis, so that ass kicking will have to wait. Still, I love you for wanting to. Anything that transpired between us, it's nowhere near what he did to me. Please don't equate yourself to him because he's a monster, you're not. God, we did. Probably the most intense and risky sex I'd had up until that point. I was totally out of it but I remember everything about those parts. I just want to have different, but equally as amazing fun together now.

[gold49]

📨eli

Jake: I guess so. You're right. When I saw what he did to you...I just couldn't believe it. All I wanted to do was march to your house and kick his ass for putting you and your mom through hell. It never would have come across like that to me. I'm just happy we were able to get you out of there for good. I'm sorry. I don't even know why I just told you that. Anyway, it's in the past now. But back then, you were really helping me in ways you didn't know yet so thank you. You living here was good for both of us.

Eli: If he wasn't so violent himself, I would have let you. Then again, you're taller than him so...might have had a fighting chance, ha. But seriously, just knowing you wanted to means a lot to me. No, no. I'm glad you did. I understand these things now; I know that you weren't doing it while I slept to be maliciously sneaky. You were dealing with an addiction, and living with me must have changed up your routine in terms of that a lot. You know, one thing I find bittersweet is that night we went partying. Like, I thought it was just recreational on your part at the time, and I had a ridiculous amount of fun. As terrible as it is to say, that was one of my favorite nights with you. But I'm sorry that I unknowingly just, I dunno, fueled things for you that day.

[gold49]

📨eli

Jake: That's true. I got extremely lucky on that front because by all accounts, this could have gone very differently. I wanted to open up so much but I was terrified of you possibly changing your mind about me. You kept insisting I was this good guy and wanted to be him so badly. I was scared of running the risk of losing you. It was selfish and unfair. Really? I did that sometimes with you. Especially after learning about your dad. I just needed to make sure you were resting well. Other times I simply got distracted by how handsome you looked. I...some nights I'd use after you'd gone to bed. I hated myself most those times. But sometimes just looking over at you was enough to stop me.

Eli: Everyone has things they don't know how to share with another person, some more intense than others. I know that had you not seen those bruises on me or never cared about them, I wouldn't have left my house. I was too embarrassed and scared, plus I didn't want to feel like I was looking for charity. So you weren't the only one keeping things to yourself. I know you weren't doing it with bad intentions. I didn't know that, okay. I'm not upset with you or anything, just so you know. I understand.

[gold49]

📨eli

Jake: You were and it was both the greatest and worst thing ever. I was thrilled it wasn't one sided, that I wasn't the only feeling these things. But on the other hand, I knew I wasn't good for you. I wasn't even honest about myself and I was lying to you. I felt so bad making you fall for someone you didn't really know. But I was selfish and I didn't want to give you up.

Eli: It didn't turn out badly, though. You wound up getting help, you still have me in your life. I knew there were a lot of empty spaces in terms of what I learned about you, that you were being vague on a number of things but I never wanted to pull information out of you. I just always wished I could look at you and see into your brain a little. Sometimes I even tried, god. It's embarrassing but I watched you while you slept a lot. It was one of the few times that I could look at you as much as I wanted.

[gold49]

📨eli

Jake: I liked you very early on, Eli. Around the time when you started being vocal about just how much you were falling for me, I was doing the same with you. We were always on the same page, more or less.

Eli: Just reading that is enough to make my heart ache, jesus. I know I was really, like, blunt with my feelings for you. And I know that wasn't easy so I'm glad that you didn't push me away no matter how attached I was getting to you.

[gold49]

📨eli

Jake: That would be a full-time job, babe. But I appreciate the offer. Of course you can. What's on your mind?

Eli: I'm still going to try my best. Was there ever a moment when you knew you were really starting to like me? Even if you didn't want to admit it or act on it?

[gold49]

📨eli

Jake: That's what my counselor says and I know you guys are right. It'll just take some time for me to finally reach that point because right now, all I can think is that it took over completely. I'm still trying to figure myself out which is a really strange feeling. I'll try not to get too down and out about it, I promise. No, it doesn't sound dumb at all. It was a huge night for you. You got freedom from him, that's nothing to take lightly. I was happy to be a part of it. That night was pretty incredible.

Eli: You just take it easy, and any time you get too in your head, I'll try to coax you out. I'll be on your side no matter how you're feeling. Can I ask you a sappy question?

[gold49]

📨eli

Jake: I'm trying so hard not to but I've been addict for so long. I mean, I was. Sometimes it's still hard for me to see it as past tense even though I've been sober for months. All my addictions, they just felt like part of me. Maybe even all of me at times. I love you so much. The fact that you've been rooting for me and haven't written me off, it means the world, Eli. It really does, so thank you. You getting that space from him was key. I know it's hard not to have a regular family when it comes to him but you're right. You've got other parts and people in your life that are great.

Eli: It's a disease, but it's nowhere near all of you. You'll find a sense of identity outside of it over time, I'm sure you will. But try not to beat yourself up if right now, you're having trouble pinning that identity down. You're doing a lot of hard work, the progress is already coming even if you don't see it. My pleasure. This might sound dumb, but one of the best nights I've ever had was when I moved into your place after leaving home, staying with you that first night and knowing I didn't have to go back into that house the next day.

[gold49]

📨eli

Jake: It sure feels like I was though. All that time spent fighting what was I feeling, it was draining and it hurt you. I'm glad you see it that way, don't get me wrong, but I'd say he's a better catch. I don't think many people would pick an addict over someone who has their shit figured out. I wish things were easier for you. You don't deserve even a fraction of the crap your dad put you through. The good thing is, you now have the chance to move from that, to grow. You're going to do such amazing things.

Eli: I know you boil yourself down to one facet that you're not proud of, when it comes to your addiction, but you're so much more than that in my eyes. The things you deal with aren't a detriment from my perspective. It's a just a thing you work with. I love you with it and I'll love you throughout however the process goes, ups and downs. I mean, it's easier for me now since I'm not living with him anymore. I just get jealous of people with functional, healthy families. But I have you and my mom. Some aren't lucky enough to have people like you with them.

[gold49]

📨eli

Jake: I've always cared deeply for you. I just couldn't show it and I hate the fact that I wasted so much time with that. But I promise from here on out, I'll never stop being open with you. I love you too. More than anything. It is. Maybe not perfect, sure. But better than me. More deserving.

Eli: You weren't wasting time. I'm just in awe of this is all. I think I always will be. You and him are just different, that doesn't make him better than you. God, nowhere near it. Matt feels like this, I dunno. Like he's from a different world than me. His parents are normal and only have the regular fights all couples do. He's able to pay for his education, he's not reliant on grants and scholarships like I am. I can't relate to him in a lot of ways and it feels weird.

[gold49]

📨eli

Jake: Nauseatingly romantic or not, that just made me smile so much. I would hope so because I'd hate to think about living in a world where we don't end up together. I'll try, I really will. I just want this so badly it's making me overthink everything but you're right. I know you are. You're crazy, that's why you don't agree. But I love you for it. So does Matt, I'm sure. He's good looking and obviously smart. He's not packed with issues. But to somehow be the better choice in your eyes is huge. You're a good person, E. Don't ever doubt that.

Eli: Sometimes I still can't believe that we're like this now and that you want me in your life so much. It always feels too good to be true. I love you so much, it's ridiculous. Shh, not crazy. What makes you think he's this perfect human being? He's flawed just like anyone else.

[gold49]

📨eli

Jake: That's true. I'm just scared. Like, what if something happens down the line that keeps us apart again? For longer? Or maybe always? It's stupid to worry about that, I know. We both care about each other but so much as happened between us already. I don't know what I'd do if something screwed it up again. I'm hardly a catch. I'm the lucky one here. Somehow you're still so into me when you've got the perfect boyfriend there in New York. I'll make it all up to you, I promise. It's not terrible. It'll clear up a lot of guilt and whatnot and that's not a bad thing. It's the right thing to do here.

Eli: At the risk of being nauseatingly romantic, I think we'd just keep finding each other again. Try your best to stop worrying, okay? We don't know what the future holds but that's alright. Our fears don't dictate how it'll turn out. And this is the exact reason why I'm insisting that we take everything at a snail's pace. Pfft, yeah, okay. As if I believe that. You catch everyone's eye, and with good reason. He's...nice, and a good person. But he's not perfect and he's not what I want. Right, yeah.

[gold49]

📨eli

Jake: I know she's right. Logically it makes sense but feeling the way I do about you, it's hard to believe I'd be better off somehow taking time. Thank you. It's crazy how much I've been needing to hear that from you. Thank god. I mean, if you one day decided that someone else was the one for you, I'd learn to accept it. But I love being that guy for you. It's going to be okay. I'm a total hypocrite but seriously, things will be alright.

Eli: You know the benefit of waiting? It'll be all the more amazing when we finally get there. Seriously, I've wanted to be with you from the moment that we woke up beside each other. Well, just about. Most definitely when you took me back to your place. You're such a beautiful person. Gorgeous, inside and out. And I feel really lucky for the fact that you love me back. I hope so. As terrible as this might sound, I'm going to feel better once it's all said and done.

[gold49]

📨eli

Jake: If only. I want you to enjoy school and do well, of course, but I'm selfish and I miss you every day. ...yeah, I know. My counselor is always going on about that. We wouldn't have to jump into something. It'd just give me peace of mind to know that it's actually an option for us. You're the best thing that's ever happened in my life. This is me just being your friend here but I think you guys should break up. I'm not just saying that because I want to be with you. I just don't think it's wise. And I messed up by making you cheat on him. I don't want to make you look back and not like the choices you made.

Eli: Your counselor means well, and they're right. Which, again, isn't a fault of yours, okay? You're doing absolutely everything you need to do. I'm proud of you every single day. It's always going to be an option, that isn't the question. It's only about the timing. Ha, are you sure it's just you being my friend? Kidding, kidding. You didn't make me do it. I made that choice. I just know that no one deserves to be cheated on. I might not regret the move but that doesn't mean he deserved it. I'll talk to him soon, I need to find the right timing and setting.

[gold49]

📨eli

Jake: It does and I'm really happy you're in my life again to see this. I was greedy for your time. I couldn't stand the thought of you leaving but school's important, yadda yadda. You wouldn't, Eli. I can handle it this time. I'm clean, I'm going to counseling, I'm so much better now. But if you really do care about him, I can be okay with waiting until you're ready to try us out again.

Eli: If NYU could be over in an instant and I could be home, I would. If only that was possible. It's just that I read a little bit about this, and bear with me since I know not everything you read about these sorts of things is true, but it said that focusing on something as heavy as a relationship can make recovery more difficult. You're the most important thing right now, you and your health. Your happiness which comes with being in recovery. I want to be helpful in your life, not harmful. I could end up hindering you no matter how good my intentions are, and it wouldn't be either of our faults. With Matt it's just- the more I think about it, the more I know I can't lead him on. I tried to make this work, and he's a great guy but I'm royally screwing him over. I don't want to hurt anybody.