I pretend to be lovable but I know, I know I’m not.

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@gothcowhoe
I pretend to be lovable but I know, I know I’m not.
I feel like my unstable sense of self is always so prominent I just always want to be someone else and not myself it’s like im always copying someone else or wanting to be a certain way. Every time I want to change myself it has to be extreme or noticeable also me obsessing over my looks, etc.
I just always have a certain image of myself in my head that im trying to reach but even then its not stable.
i feel guilty for eating, im sorry.
i feel guilty for how much work i am, im sorry.
i feel guilty for taking up space that was never given to me, im sorry.
i feel guilty for taking up resources, im sorry.
i feel guilty for being so down all day, im sorry.
i feel guilty for not doing anything all day, im sorry.
i feel guilty for feeling guilty, im sorry.
Splitting is scary… for completely different reasons now.
In the past; I saw it as being scary for the person I was splitting on. Id be “threatening” and hurt them. So they needed to fear me; their comeuppance.
But now? It’s scary for ME. I should be scared of it for myself. Ill accidentally hurt people in ways I can’t ever take back. Im scared of that person. Scared to bring them out. Scared I’ll never be rid of them
They say trauma doesnt define you and it makes you stronger but i never asked for this and it actually shows up clear in the brain that trauma changes a person I didn't want to have to be strong i wanted to be loved but who could love me now
Going through the motions is so tiring. I don’t feel real I’m just here and I’m not sure why.
when my hair is long and my ribs are showing and I have a thigh gap, I am going to be beautiful and unstoppable 😈
The only thing I wish is for just one, lone, singular person in my life, family, friend, or whatever, who obsesses over and loves me the way I end up obsessing over and loving others. Someone who never leaves and that I know that I can trust. A long shot when I'm enough of an oversensitive cynic to distrust and run from people over slight changes in tone or body language, that would be really nice
Most of my friends all have other people they like more than me I need to kill them and/or myself about it
I could list off a million things I dislike about myself and a million and one ways to fix them.
But somehow the only thing I can’t fix is my brain. This stupid, overthinking, self-conscious brain that loves to torture me without end in sight.
And that really fucking hurts.
I should be a lot deader than this.
Me? Overreacting??
Probably.
I don't know if I'm ready to go to sleep or die.
I wanna die in your arms
It's time to push everyone away because I'm sad!! (I wanna kms)