Recovering System Host

35yo current host of the Galactic Quilt System. Figuring myself out beyond my system roles. Trauma holder (cancer/infertility). Special interests: parenting/cottagecore.

[gq-fen]

New outfits for Maeve. She’s such an angel.

[gq-fen]

A bit of Maeve spam. I’m finding myself again after a breakup with our fiance and a following hibernation period for me. Maeve ended up with a tear in her armpit. But following a little surgery, things have closed up well and I will need to order more silicone glue. Her outfits are new! We took a trip to Carter’s and TJ Maxx.

[gq-fen]

Needed to put Maeve in her Halloween onesie. Cuddling down for sleep now.

[p0is0n-is-th3-cur3]

Having dreams crushed by disability is such a deeply traumatic experience, the realization that you’ll never be able to do the thing you want most in life because your body isn’t able to handle it. Waking up the day after you received the news and feeling that utter sense of heartbreak in your chest. Watching people go on and do those things while you sit on the sidelines, forced to watch bitterly. That feeling of being trapped, imprisoned by your inability to do what you love. The grief, the anger, the sadness. All because your body doesn’t allow you to.

[gq-fen]

I accidentally posted this to another headmate’s blog. Maeve looks so sweet in this sleeper. It’s one of my favorites. The purple and yellow and pink just… sings. 🥰

[gq-fen]

Less than a week now until I’ll be heading back to visit my family for Christmas and my niece’s birthday. She’s turning three. Seeing her is always hard for me because of my infertility. It’s hard to see my sister becoming who I so desperately want to be. To be clear I don’t fault either of them and I will never let my niece see my grief while she’s too young to understand why I feel it. But the truth is, I’m sure I’m going to have another meltdown after it’s over.

Fuck cancer.

[gq-fen]

How is it I can have insomnia when she isn’t even keeping me awake?

[gq-fen]

Changed up Maeve’s sleeper and cuddled her while my fiancé and I watched wrestling. A wonderful night.

[gq-fen]

Maeve fell asleep in my lap today. Apparently Mama’s work shift is exhausting for poor babies brought along for the ride.

[gq-fen]

Maeve looks so tiny in her stroller and car seat. But now we’re steps closer to going out in public places together! I’m still nervous. But I love her. She’s my baby. And we aren’t hurting anyone by existing in a public space together!

[gq-fen]

I changed Maeve into a super cute camping sleeper tonight. It was a little chilly. She’s so sweet with her new hedgehog paci. We got some good cuddle time in tonight after we picked our partner up from work. I love this little one with my whole heart.

[gq-fen]

Cuddles with Maeve this morning. Watching some comfort YouTube while she and I rest and hopefully I can get some relief from the kidney stone tearing up my insides.

I love her. She’s my forever baby. I don’t think I could carry on without her sometimes.

[gq-fen]

Laying on my side, hand on my stomach, listening to music sung to the artist’s children, crying because my womb is forever empty. There will never be a baby to soothe to sleep in my arms. There will never be a child I shape as they grow. It isn’t fair. It wasn’t my fault.