The Gapper Guru @gracelandlikealice-walker - Tumblr Blog

Accept then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy. — Eckhart Tolle #thePresent #thePresentMoment #acceptingThePresentMoment #thePowerOfNow https://www.instagram.com/p/CV8EKhBr9Qn/?utm_medium=tumblr

Beah Richards - You Wanna Bet (Black Woman Speaks)

Martin Luther King, Jr., "What Is Your Life's Blueprint?"

I put no one of a pedestal.

My freedom is a price too high to pay.

Self-sacrifice is not an option.

I provide for myself.

#affirmations

so i moved to tumblr

I commodified myself,

took out parts of me that weren't easy of the eyes or the feelings,

i lived to make others comfortable,

this is social media, am I wrong?

whether right wing, democrat, witch, atheist, or christian,

we sell ourselves to the highest bidder on the internet,

even as i made this account I thought about the traction it would get,

as if somehow notes could make up for that fact that I feel invisible,

everyone tells me how beautiful i am,

but i am so much more,

i like physics, neuroscience, scientology, psychology, buddhism,

i like to think about and discuss life and how it exists and operates,

but i feel invisible

this is capitalisms last grasp at control,

create a situation where the internet and social media are not only addicting but are not a vital part of career making,

then blast this as the way that everyone should live, like living in the internet is a life,

more than that, it's the creation of whole worlds online which has been happening since sims, now on a more personal level,

why would you leave your home?

why would you get sun?

why would you take care of your physical when everything you ever desired is digital,

it is that serious.

I left instagram and tiktok because I was being consumed and perhaps they are tools to do what? Sell my body? My ideas? To people who don't get it? It felt like raging inside the machine and I just couldn't do. So i moved to Tumblr. It's quiet here. Almost like I'm talking to myself. I've had to do that a lot. The people around me don't quite understand the journey that I'm on. I don't blame them because I don't most days either. I am lonely though.

but i would rather be lonely than to be consumed by masks that people expect me to wear. Is it okay to exist in a way that makes others uncomfortable? Can I just assert myself as a person and declare myself loved. i mean I am loved just not in the way that i would prefer.

Love is deeply emotional, spiritual, and physical. the love that i desire is one that holds me. Yes, I have the strength to hold myself up but this love lets me lean on it's shoulder. This love kisses me, often because it likes to. It watches me because I am important to its life. this love rests in deep solitude with me while i figure out the solution. this love has a bit of antagonism. this love challenges me to reach new heights by simply being. I don't need to be pushed by this love because I am my own propeller. this love nudges anyway. I fall in surrender in this love because I am safe, because this love is safe. this love has it's disagreements but this love remembers i am goddess and he is god. we are accountable for ourselves.

that's all for now. The love I'm calling out for is me and if I have to be alone to feel alive and to be able to shine. So it shall be.

Alice Walker interview (1996)

Yin

I know that you trusted me. I know that I didn’t listen to you. I heard you screaming from the depths of my soul. I know that the further I shoved you down you struggled to believe that I would ever be capable of leading you. I am. Capable that is. More than that, I know better. I have learned my lesson. You and your wisdom are unmatched. Without it, I am a leader with no vision. I vow to love and protect you. More than that I vow to follow you even when I don’t see the vision.

I am.

#integration

Rode them til the wheels fell off

I am astounded by the way my energy can change on what seems like the drop of a dime. I awoke in a space of resistance and lack. I did breath-work and yoga believing that this was the solution to my low vibrational ass energy. It wasn’t. I eat and take a nap only to wake up worse than before. I have allowed my emotions to drown out my spirit. I have not always been keen on feeling so I sometimes build an emotional wave that comes crashing like a tsunami. This felt like pain but I held on to the belief that this too I would be relieved of. I decide to go skating and I’m grooving but I still have this low vibrational energy attached to me. Someone once told me that when I am in a low vibrational space to try to stay as quiet and still as possible. I will listen to them next time because I rode the wheels off my skate today. I can’t even lie I almost cried because damn universe I’m having a rough day. Then I become grateful. This is a reminder that without doing the inner work the situations manifesting in my life will be disappointing. It’s a reminded of why I have worked to reclaim my body, mind, and spirit. My life beckons to be lived in a luxurious, unapologetic way and to do that I must live in an energy that is luxurious and unapologetic.

So, I choose to transmute my low vibrational energy into high vibrational energy through gratitude. Reminding myself to stay graceful and of love.

#storytime #energy #skating #luxury #trasmutation #grace #dailyreminder

Nothing has happened by mistake--everything is as it should be.

KJ Grace

#quotes

Expect to gain love and respect for yourself as you step into this journey without looking back.

unknown

#quotes

My Mountain, My Peace

(TW: Domestic Violence)

We lived in Breckenridge when I was three. You, mom, Tavus, and I, that is. My sister Alexis didn’t come into our lives until I was 5. It’s odd because I have the most vivid memory. It comes up in therapy one day as we are preparing for EMDR which stands for Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. Basically, Alicia walks me back to a traumatic memory so that I create a new relationship to it. I’m sitting in the chair and staring at a black and white spinning wheel with a red dot that I am to follow. I do and the first thing she asks me is, “When you think of peace where do you go?” I immediately picture myself on the mountain we lived on when I was three. “Think about the details.”

It is a warm day is Breckenridge. I walk through a small field near our house. I am wearing a white shirt and a jean skirt. I have on my straw hat with a daisy of the side. I feel safe. I feel myself. A feeling of warmth and peace reigns over me. The mountains are barely covered in snow, and I can see miles ahead of me. I sit on a wooden fence and look at the infinity of mountains that has been laid before me. The sun is peaking through the clouds. I look down at the side of the mountain. I see pine trees as green as grass. I smile and breathe deep. This peace. I tell my therapist about this place 20 years later because it is the most peaceful place I ever remember being.

After my session I am reminiscing with my mother per usual. I tell her about the mountain and the peace. I tell her about EMDR (triggering yourself to create a new relationship to your trauma.) My mother, however, gives me this look that says, “I’m not trying to ruin a good childhood memory, but.”

“No, ma’am. Why are you making a face like you don’t wanna ruin this for me?”

Her face says yikes.

“Tell me, please. I would rather not live in an illusion.” As she speaks, memories begin to flood my brain.

I am back on the mountain. I turn to my right and my brother, a year old at the time, is crying and screaming. He’s looking at me. I open my eyes. My ears are plugged. I am blowing a whistle to escape from the sounds of the blows you are taking against my mother. I realize I cannot both plug my ears and hold him. Snot and tears fall-down both of our face. I feel guilty but I escape back to the mountain.

Dad,

I still don’t watch scary movies because I was living one. You were the boogeyman of my childhood. I created a place to escape you and I hadn’t even realized it.I choose to forget all the slaps, blows, or nasty word you said so that I could remember doing your makeup, playing dress up, and resting in your arms. I created this version of you in my head that was incomplete, so I was disappointed every time I saw you. You are not one or the other. You just are. This was my version of healing because it felt better than hating you. I ignored the ways that you hurt me because that’s what I was taught about love. My rationalization of your abusive behavior by separating your character into categories of good and bad started so early that it became my coping mechanism. As I got older, the duality of good and bad got worse. My boyfriend gaslit me for four years about my feelings . I pretended it was love based on the three months he respected me. I romanticized every person I met and it made it difficult to let them go.

You and my mother taught me escapism in more than one way. Every time you all fought you would pretend as though nothing happened. You treated it as if you regularly abusing my mother was just a part of life. I guess in a way it was for us, but it didn’t have to be. There are whole years of my life I have not been able to recall because of it.

You left and I was unable to find peace outside of your destruction. What I mean is the only way I knew peace was through terror so I sought out men that scared me in hopes to return to my peace.

I grew up to be a feminist but I am afraid of telling this story because of . I am aware of the domestic violence statistics. I watched it happen my whole childhood. You were supposed to be the person I modeled my husband after but that was just another illusion. They say that your capacity to forgive opens your heart to love.

How do I forgive that? I know that you have your own trauma, and that you were only doing what you knew. You almost made my worst nightmare come true right in front of me. You tried to take my mama from me.

It was a typical morning before school. You all were bickering per normal, so I paid no attention to it. Normally, I would keep my distance, but I stay close to my mother. She tried to walk away from you. The world is moving as if it were slow motion. She was wearing an orange hoodie and you grabbed it. You grabbed her by the hood so hard that her feet swept off the ground. You are right in front of me and within an instant you are on top of my mom with your hands around her throat. I scream at the top of my lung, “stop, daddy, please.” I cannot move because I am not in my body. I trained myself to escape but I cannot stop watching. You do not listen as if you are in a trance and there is only room for you and your mission. Alexis comes from the front foyer and screams. She tries to stop you and you fling her five feet back into a mirror. My mother takes a breath because one of your arms are free. I can tell because now her legs are kicking stronger. I am watching intently because as long as her legs kick, she is alive. I plot your murder. I think of getting a knife and stabbing you, but I can’t leave her. My legs will not move. I look over to my left and my brother is on the phone. He called the police. Your fear of the cops and your assumption of your sons’ betrayal is the only thing that makes you release your grip on my mothers’ neck.

I am stuck still. Tavus, mom, and Alexis are all on the couch. They are holding each other and crying. I am stuck until I see the look on my mother’s face. I will never be able to forget it. I walk over to them and hold all three of them in my seven-year-old arms. I whisper, “I will take care of ya’ll.” It was a burden that was obviously too big for you to bear. I tell my mom that, “We can’t keep going through this.” You can only hear the sobs of a woman that almost died and now sirens. The police come in; you go quietly. My mom fixes her face, tells us to get ready for school, and we are never to speak of this again.

That is the ugliest I have ever seen you and I choose to keep this memory. Not to lord over you or to hate you for it but as a reminder of two things.

When someone shows you the worst way they will treat you, believe them.

Duality exists in all things, including the people you love.

It almost feels wrong to say that in a lot of ways you are a great father and like all beings you made your mistakes. My mom, sister, brother, and I just happened to be the ones that paid the price them. I want to trust that in 18 years that you have changed for the better, but I don’t. You still treat the people around you as if they are supposed to be at your beck and call. You get angry at feelings and you lash out. I don’t want that around me.

I love you. I was going to say “in spite of everything” but it’s not. I love you, period. You are allowed to make choices that I don’t agree with. You are allowed your mistakes. You are worthy of forgiveness.

Our story is not one with a concrete resolution or amends yet because I do not need you to be sorry. I’ve made peace with my seven-year-old self. I told you that the greatest gift the tragedy of my childhood brought me was empathy. I am blessed to have ha a chance to get to know you. I heed every lesson that I learned from you. The painful and the loving.

When I remembered the mountain, I remembered myself without all of life on top of me. This place that I was called to when I didn’t feel safe. My inner sanctuary. My realm of peace was triggered by a deep desire for silence. You were being yang and triggered my yin. A few years ago, I only knew healing as a presumed feeling. I had no idea that there was a process. I had no idea it was freedom. I assumed that one day I would just forget and be happy. I wasn’t taught to heal so there were many layers of trauma that I defined myself by. It weighed on me, but healing lightens the load every day.

They say that those that know great pain know great love. It is also true that those that know great disturbance know great peace. Without you I would not know peace the way that I do. For that I am grateful. I cannot absolve you of the pain you have caused or that you feel. I hope you forgive yourself. As I type this, I think how odd. I didn’t know I was capable of this level of compassion. I was taught to hold grudges. Though, that is not my nature. When I say I see you, I mean that I know that you are an expression of divinity. I see God in you. I know that everything you do or don’t do is a choice that you make. I know that you love, fear, cry, and rage. I know that you weren’t taught how to express your feelings and you are learning. I know that you’ve felt like you don’t matter and you’re getting to a place where you know you do. I see you evolving and being more of yourself and that’s beautiful. I am proud of how far you’ve come.

Forgiveness is vital to healing and healing is the gateway to Grace. Grace is unconditional love. It means that regardless of the actions of that you take I see the Divine in you. This does not mean I have a toleration for apathy and disrespect. Grace is my freedom, my sanctuary, and reprieve. I choose to be free from the burdens of anyone’s actions but my own. I tried fighting my trauma. I tried screaming it away. I tried to silence it away. I tried to sex it away. Was on my Don’t Touch My hair, Solonge ish. None of it worked because I was not healing from my trauma. It’s true that the only way out is through. On the other side, though, is peace.

You are not ruined; and you are not superior. What you are is human.

I give you grace. My hope is that you extend it to another.

KJ Grace

earthconstructs

Eckart Tolle’s authority / wisdom / the power of now

Is there something you “should” be doing but are not doing it? Get up and do it now. Alternatively, completely accept your inactivity, laziness or passivity at this moment, if that is your choice. Go into it fully. Enjoy it. Be as lazy or inactive as you can. If you go into it fully and consciously, you will soon come out of it. Or maybe you won’t. Either way, there is no inner conflict, no resistance, no negativity.

gracelandlikealice-walker

Embracing where I am one second at a time. Grateful for teachers like Eckart.

zenwords

Be the silent watcher of your thoughts and behavior. You are beneath the thinker. You are the stillness beneath the mental noise. You are the love and joy beneath the pain.

Eckart Tolle (via zenwords)

Next lifetime- Erykah Badu

Yang,

I love that you speak up for what you believe in no matter who is on the other side. I love that if I call, you do not hesitate to show up. I love you because you welcome my feelings and value my perspective. You love me for my chaotic mess. Your presence is grounding. You draw out my femininity with your being. I did not realize I could be this soft and gentle. I didn’t realize this was myself. The world comes to clear focus. Thank you for being yourself because we would not be us without you being you. I’ve loved you from the moment I saw you. It was about four years ago. We spent everyday together, but I hadn’t seen you in two. I asked around because I didn’t want you to know that I was check-in on you. She told me that you were sick. It was pouring rain that day and normally I would have gone to my room to relax but I wanted to spend time with you. I can still see the look on your face when I showed up with soup and medicine. It was priceless to see the appreciation. Luckily, you and I were on the same vibe. You invited me to sit in the bed next to you. Did you see me blush? I remember my cheeks getting hot and my heart beating fast. I got in bed next to you and we watched Bright. To this day, the plot is a mystery to me because all I could think about was being close to you. We laughed so much that night. You talked to me about your mom, your dad, and you cried. It was the first time I saw you cry. I felt privileged to be in the presence of your softness.

I spent three years and the grief of a relationship I didn’t really care about suppressing my feelings for you. I have opened the floodgate and I can’t help but recall the night I realized I loved you. It’s not unusual that we are up late working and talking but this night is different. Let me take you back.

There is an energy in the air that is intoxicating. You are intoxicating. You told me once that you wear the same cologne everyday so that your presence is cued by a scent. It was almost like a form of seduction. To this day, anytime I smell your cologne I am reminded of this night and your game. We are the last ones to leave the office and I’m not ready to say goodnight, so I invite you to my room. You oblige. I love being in your presence. I always feel elevated when I’m next to you. We are in my room, and you are sitting on a chair across from my bed. I am on the bed. I laugh because I am high off of the energy in this room. My heart is open. My muscles are relaxed. I feel safe. These feeling are foreign to be, so I feel silly and giddy. Suddenly, I am in deep contemplation about this moment. I look down and take a deep breath. I can feel you looking at me. It is orgasmic. My body begins to swell with heat. I begin to wonder if I am the only one in this feeling. I focus the swell of heat to my eyes so that I can match the intensity of your presumed gaze. Our eyes meet. I’ve never seen this look on your face before. You are a lion on the prowl but the king of the jungle is meant to bow to the queen. I want you to say what you’re thinking. I feel on a primal level but instead of saying what I was thinking. I look into your eyes and smile.

“What?” I ask. You smile, turn your head, and say “Nothing.”

I am fully aware of the moment and my heart flutters. I don’t stop looking at you. In fact, the intensity of this tension only gets stronger the more you try to pretend you don’t feel it. I lean into the intensity. I move closer to you. I put my hands on your thighs and sit on the floor between your legs.You look down at me. This is our agreement. “I won’t judge, you” I say. I am naughtily, purposefully, daring you at this point to say what we are both feeling.

“You have a man,” you blurt.

It crosses my mind to stop the conversation here but before that thought made it to my throat. I said, “I know, but I still want you to say it.” My brain is no longer in charge and I have lost almost all grounding. This is the end of the game we have been playing for months. Making each other jealous, the sly comments, the accidental touching, the intentional hand holding, the ass grabbing, and those long stares into each others eyes. A dangerous game, I might add, considering we both have partners but I don’t lose.

“I like you, ” you said.

“I like you, too. What’s the problem?” I’m pushing now. That’s not good enough. I know there’s more and I’m playing dumb until I hear it.

“No, I like like you. I love you, kiki,” you say with hesitation. I can tell there’s still something unsaid, but you smile, embarrassed and I feel I have tortured us both enough. You weren’t supposed to say it. I know I goaded and pushed you. But I thought we were on the same page. This game wasn’t supposed to end. My heart is beating so fast as I stare at you with your head bowed in shame. Now I’m caught up in the moment. Do I love you? I play it off. I shift my focus from love to lust. The denial of my heart causes me to lead with my pussy. It’s easier than dealing with the fact that I am in love with my best-friend, and I have a man.

I lift your head from your chest and say, “It’s okay, come here.” Now we’re both on my bed. You lay your head on my chest and the rest of you is between my legs. I feel my heart beating fast and I know that you hear it. I am excited, embarrassed, and scared. The intensity of this moment is consuming. We lay together for a while. You look up at me. Our eyes meet. For a moment, the world does not exist. I am not worried about them.

I realize that this is about to go further than I can afford. I say, “separate corners.” We move to different corners of the bed. I need a break because I’m not making love to you tonight. We, however, are like two magnets because before I know it you are on top of me. I can feel your breath on my neck and your body is pressed hard against me. My body swells with energy that saturates my leggings. We both know how dangerous this is. I keep telling myself, “Not like this and not with him.” I flip us over so that I am on top and now questioning my judgement because this is only better at testing my willpower. I put my face in your neck. You ask me to sit up, but I refuse. I will kiss you and I’m sure that your kiss will swallow me whole.I curb my urge by kissing your neck. I barely touch your skin with my lips. I lift as my hips buck involuntarily. I look at you. This feels so good and right.

No, I interrupt myself, this cannot happen. I know who is at stake. The interruption did little about my feelings and I return to the moment only concerned about what is happening right in front of me. I kiss your forehead, your left cheek, then your right. I am methodical. I gaze into your eyes to take in this moment of ecstasy as the world stops. It’s only you and me. I move slowly toward your left cheek again and this time my lips touch yours. Electricity is now surging through my body. My breath deepens. I’m afraid to share this moment with you but I embrace it. My hips which have yet to stop moving have been encouraged by the bulge rubbing against my clit. I close my eyes. Right now, I am doing only what I feel. I let go of my thoughts. I feel a sense of freedom. I look at you and am instantly brought back down to earth. I move.

We lay in silence. I sigh and laugh because holy fuck. You look at me with all seriousness and say, “We can’t do this. You’re not going to feel right in the morning.”

“I know.” Thank you for respecting me. In a strange way it makes me want you more.You get up and start to get your stuff together. I’m flustered and sad. I don’t want you to go but my pride won’t let me ask you to stay. It feels wrong watching you leave. I want to spend the night in your arms. I want to bask in your energy. This moment is giving me LL Cool J and Gabrielle Union in Deliver Us from Eva. As you’re about to walk out you turn and look at me.“Do you want me to stay?”

There’s that look again. You make me melt. This moment is bittersweet. It’s fleeting, peaceful, and beautiful. All stress melts. I smile because like so many other times I don’t even have to ask you for what I want. I nod. You were only waiting for permission. You take off your pants and your shirt and get into bed. I keep my clothes on.

You hold me. If we were any closer, you would be inside me. You whisper in my ear, “I smell you.” The aroma of my arousal fills the room. I fall deeper into your arms because I am exhausted. The ecstasy of you, of me, of us and the line that we won’t cross have come to an agreement. The night is going in slow motion. I wake up often savoring every moment I can. I lay there still in your arms for what seems like an eternity but even eternity ends. I fall asleep and wake to the sun. It is time for you to leave.

I’m not sure what this means. You left but I can still feel your touch. Your breath. Your love. You respected me. I’ve only dealt with men that believed they were entitled to my body, my time, and my energy. You show me differently. You cherish the moments in my presence. My mind is spinning. Last night has changed our relationship. I’m not sure what I had hoped to gain. It might have been the first time in my life that I did something without needing to justify it. I was just being with you. “I love him,” I thought. A smile right before the fear sets in. Commitment changes me and I don’t want it to change us. We work because we have a relationship without the pressures of commitment. We choose each other until we don’t and that has worked for us. Perhaps this is the type of commitment I want. I can be myself. I love us. Maybe it’s not commitment perhaps it’s the person I’m with is not right for me. I can’t believe everything that did and did not happen. My head and heart are in opposition and I don’t know what to do.

My door opens. My heart is fluttering and swelling with excitement. This is a sign that we are meant to be together so I’m not letting you go this time. I chose you. The door opens and the sound of a symphony rings in my hear because this is my moment. Until he creeps around the corner. He doesn’t even want to be here. I can tell because his head is down to his chest and he barely acknowledges me. Why do I keep doing this? Suddenly, my anxious thoughts return as if I am back under a spell. Everything about this moment is surreal. How is it that last night feels real and this feels like a simulation? Because it is. We do the same thing every time we see each other. There is no feeling, no passion. There is only passive action. I hug him from the bed. He tells me about his weekend. He doesn’t ask about mine which is good because I don’t want to lie. He takes a place on the bed and wraps his arm around me. I know that she is back too and wonder if you’re feeling the same way.

It doesn’t matter because today we choose them. In fact, everyday we do. So, I will pretend like I don’t love you. I will chalk last night up to one hell of a dream. I think it’s better this way. I lie to myself knowing that this is the beginning of the end. I love you but he and I are not finished yet. I dose off to sleep dreaming of you while in his arms.

Thank you for playing such an important part of my life. You were a safe place for me to be present and be myself. I cherish you for that. If I would have known the bitter-sweet ending of us I would have relished in more moments as I did that night. I thought like this letter, we would end differently. I forgot it was possible to love someone whom you have outgrown. I’ll be the first to admit it. This letter is quite presumptuous and a little selfish. I find it absurd that you are still on my mind and in my heart because you haven’t been here. This isn’t about you, though. I had to clear the air for myself. I learned the valuable lesson of putting myself first.

As with all things that I feel, this letter is dramatic, romantic, and will make you fall in love with you. The person that knew you does not exist anymore, but she loved you more than you will ever know. Though, I do believe everything happened exactly the way it was meant to, I wish that I would have loved you out loud if only to speak my truth. For me, this makes up for it. I wasn’t ready to leave behind the life I was building, and I had to grow out my fear of not being good enough and being alone. Our relationship showed me how little I cared about myself because when you said, “me or him,” I never crossed my mind. I never even considered what I wanted because I didn’t know. I was clueless to me. I didn’t accept, respect, or love myself so I took what I could get without considering if it was what I wanted.

Through the pain of it all I learned to follow myself, my instincts, and my feelings. I learned to give myself love and grace. So, this is not an apology or a request of one. To grow, I must unroot the weeds. You are a weed. You are the kind of weed that resembles flowers and has a beautiful aroma. You are a weed, nonetheless. Every moment I keep you drains me of the energy I need to expand my capacity for love. In writing this letter, I realized that we were exactly what we were meant to be. It was love and fun, then it was pain and lies, and now it’s over. I held onto you because it was easier than accepting that we treated each other like disposable toys. I, in the beginning. You, in the end. It is big Leo energy to finish what someone else starts. I now accept that you got the best of me as I did you. We were playing the same game, and both lost. Don’t worry about me though, I take my lessons in strides. My heart is more open than it has ever been, part in thanks to you. I appreciate all the ways you loved me. I am grateful for the struggles I faced due to your actions. I soak up the lesson and I let it go.I miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss challenging each other and growing. I send you so much love, Yang.

Love,

Yin

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

The Gapper Guru