Spider’s a tough kid. He’ll never let anyone see it, what this scene did to him, but it’s with him regardless. He’ll even convince himself he’s fine, that it didn’t mean anything, and that in the end Jake chose to keep risking the wellbeing of the whole planet rather than kill him. Jake valued Spider’s life over all of Pandora. Spider believes it.
It warms and comforts him and makes him feel like a real Sully. But at night, when he’s trying to sleep, the thoughts circle his brain like a pack of viperwolves.
He can’t ignore that Jake would never have considered sacrificing one of his own kids.
He can’t ignore that while Neytiri came to rescue Jake, Spider had to escape captivity himself and hitch a ride with them. He knew they wouldn’t have broken him out of there, just like they didn’t the last time.
He’s alive purely by his own guts and self determination, and secondly by Jake’s own guilt. For it was guilt that stayed Jake’s hand upon that rock. It wasn’t love - not the kind that the rest of the Sullys shared.
He tried so hard to ignore the thoughts, pushing them away night after night, hating the feelings of utter despair they evoked, but worse… the anger. He could still feel Jake’s knife against his throat, could never forget the way he told Spider to kneel. To be quiet. To face forward.
Spider knew it was a desperate situation, that Jake did love him somehow. But it… it wasn’t enough. And the hurt only swelled as time went on. As he watched Jake interacting with Tuk, with Kiri, who wasn’t even his biological kid. And he knew. He knew he wasn’t enough and never would be.
Then in the dawn the morning light was enough to vanquish the thoughts for a few hours, to remind him that Kiri had chosen him, that Eywa had accepted him, that he finally had everything he’d wanted. And he was able to push away those thoughts to deal with once the sun set again.
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