Green-koolaid-complex

Its okay I hate it here too (Not pro, just struggling) Hw: 170 Cw:135 Gw 1: 129 Minors dni

[green-koolaid-complex]

Having someone leave is more than adjusting to the absence of a person to me. It's the absence of a piece of myself. I go all in with everyone and I let them rest their hands on my heart until I start to become that person and then when they leave they take that part of themselves too. Sometimes I think im better, and then someone leaves. And it catches me off guard even though it shouldn't, because everyone always leaves and it feels like a piece of me is missing. And I have no way to ever get that back. I just have to rebuild in the empty place that was once theirs and try to build something that belongs to myself before someone else comes around and tears it down to make room for themselves.

[abusivechildhood]

how can someone feel so much and feel so empty at the same time?

[hsoanasgia-deactivated20220330]

Ngl, I am starving for someone…

[qxigonsbxtch]

i just want to get bruises anytime anyone touches me is that too much to ask

[bunny-is-lovely]

I did not give myself an addiction to cancer sticks just to keep binging and not make any progress for a week.

[green-koolaid-complex]

Straight up.

[green-koolaid-complex]

How do I maintain my caloric deficit and my sex drive at the same time 😀

[green-koolaid-complex]

Just found out that I'm gonna get to see him next week??? Gonna use that as motivation to restrict really hard because I thought I had until the 31st. I'm back down into the 130s but I really want to be at 129 because that's where I was when I met him and that's the only time I've ever felt like genuinely good about my body.

[robinsrealization]

Maybe if I was skinnier, they’d like me

[green-koolaid-complex]

Maybe if I was skinnier, he wouldn't have left....

[green-koolaid-complex]

My mom: Gives me trouble when I lose weight and lectures me about how I need to eat more

Also my mom: Makes comments everytime I actually do eat 🥲

[green-koolaid-complex]

Not to be mentally ill on main but if I sh before I workout is that going to be a detriment to my energy output?

[green-koolaid-complex]

I have bred a whole new breed of mentally ill. My ed may be getting out of hand but I don't even care at this point. I did a whole bunch of research into Body fat percentages and figured out more exact goals instead of just basing them on weight alone. But ya. Basically if I don't reduce my body fat by a solid 2-4 percent by February I'm gonna cry 🥲

[green-koolaid-complex]

If I love you, why is it so easy for me to walk away. Why do I jump to the attention of every other guy who looks my way. Why do I give in to each opportunity to get what you aren't giving me, from people that aren't you.

I miss you. I do. But I never could've treated him the way I do you. I never could've put our whole relationship on the line at the cost of a cheap thrill. I never could've seen a future without him.

You're better to me than him. You're better with me and for me than him. I probably like you more than him.

So why aren't I all in for you the way I was for him.

Maybe you're not passionate enough. You're not here enough. You're not enough.

Or maybe it's not you at all.

Maybe I'm just so fucked in the head from everything that he did to me that I don't know what love is at all.

In my image of love, you don't leave me enough. You don't hurt me enough. You don't force yourself on me enough.

Maybe I do love you. I just don't know what it means to be love or to be loved.

[green-koolaid-complex]

The way that its new years eve so I have to choose between not eating at all to account for the extra calories that come from alcohol and ending up violently sick bc of my intolerance or eating like a person, going way over my cal limit and end up wanting to die 😐

[green-koolaid-complex]

11lbs away from my ugw. 11lbs until I get to be happy again 🙃

[green-koolaid-complex]

I remember being 11 years old wanting so desperately to be skinny. I'll be happy when I get to my goal weight I thought. This is only temporary I kept telling myself. Never did I think that I would be 19 years old, in my first year of university still telling myself the same things. It's never temporary. It never ends. You never reach your ultimate goal weight because it just keeps getting lower. It's not worth it. I wish I'd never started this bs.

[green-koolaid-complex]

If you follow me, how's your mental illness going?

[green-koolaid-complex]

Did my body image get better or am I just skinnier?