I know that I may face some backlash for this, but frankly I stopped really caring about peoples’ public opinions of me very much about the same time many of my friends and some of my family decided they’d rather have nothing to do with me, and one of them (don’t know who) started publicly slandering me.
So, here’s the point: When does a transwoman stop being a woman?
This is an important question to ask. Reasonable, well educated, and enlightened people know that the answer is a resounding “NEVER.”
Unfortunately there are many bigots out there who believe otherwise, many of them sadly right here in our own community.
Passing is important for several reasons. To me, it is important for safety. So many transwomen are killed each year for no reason other than the fact that they are transgender. It can at times be outright dangerous for the wrong person to realize that you are trans.
It is also important for the fact that it helps many of us to alieve our gender dysphoria as much as we can. Looking in the mirror and seeing a woman can be a huge relief, especially for those of us who cannot afford, or do not have access to the procedures many of us would like to have to achieve what we would personally consider to be a full transition.
Here is where passing becomes an issue: Often our community becomes so embroiled in the idea that we begin to obsess over it, and shame transwomen who don’t pass well. For some women, this is unavoidable without surgical corrections. For others, it may be a choice. Some would argue that not passing is “OK as long as you are at least trying.”
I disagree heartily. While I generally do not even step outside my own front door or even like to look in the mirror without making every effort to look as “feminine” as I can, that is a personal choice.
It can generally be assumed that a transwoman is very likely to be highly dysphoric about every feature that looks even the least bit masculine about her, but this is not always true, and why should it be?
We live in a society that has ludicrous “beauty standard” expectations for women, and it does not only affect us as transgender women,
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve seen a cisgender woman called a “tranny,” “dyke,” or other transphobic, homophobic, or misogynist slur because she’s “too muscular”, “not well endowed enough”, “not hippy enough”, “too fat”, “too skinny”, “not wearing enough makeup”, “wearing too much makeup”, dressed too “manly”, dressed too “girly”, has a promininent adams apple, nose, chin, facial hair, body hair, or any number of other things, I would be a wealthy girl.
A woman is a woman, no matter what.
There are those in our community who give into this kind of sneaky misogyny, and even justify it as protecting transwomen, insisting that transwomen who do not make every effort necessary to pass, or even who simply cannot pass as a cisgender female no matter what they do, impede our progress by reinforcing the “man in a dress” myth. This could not be further from the truth. It is the exact opposite of the truth.
Bigots further the “man in a dress” myth. Someone who thinks a transwoman is a “man in a dress” will not be convinced otherwise by surgery. They will not be convinced by electrolysis. They will not be convinced by hormones, and they sure as HELL will not be convinced by make up and a wig.
Someone who thinks a transwoman is a man in a dress will still think they are a man in a dress regardless of whether or not they have breasts, whether or not they have a penis, even whether or not they have a Y chromosome.
If we want to fight these myths and stereotypes, the only way to do so is to accept every transwoman as a woman, period.
At this point in my life, I have not had access to begin Hormone replacement. This does not make me any less of a woman,
I have a penis because I have not yet met the grueling requirements to be approved for SRS, and even if I had, I don’t have the money. This does not make me any less of a woman.
When I wake up in the morning, I have to shave my face, and cake on make up in order to be halfway happy with the way I look.
This does not make me any less of a woman.
A woman with a prominent Adam’s Apple is a woman.
A woman with facial hair is a woman.
A woman with a brow ridge is a woman.
A woman with thin lips is a woman.
A woman who does not shave her body is a woman.
A woman who wears pants is a woman.
A woman who does not wear make up is a woman.
A woman with a penis is a woman.
A woman with a Y chromosome is a woman.
Every Cisgender woman is a woman. Every Transgender woman is a woman.
If you want society to accept you as a woman, then society will need to learn to accept you as a woman even if you have a penis, the very thing that currently seems to make the difference in so many people’s minds.
The solution is not to shame our own sisters and demand that we live up to society’s expectations. The solution is to change society’s own warped standards.
I am a feminist. If you want to shave your body and face and cake on your make up and wear a mini skirt, then that’s absolutely wonderful, but that is no reason to shame other women who express their identities in a way they are comfortable with just because some shallow minded people have a problem with it.
I am a woman the moment I step out of bed. I am a woman when I lay down at night, and I am a woman every moment in between.
I would understand if someone called me “sir” if I went out into public looking for all intents and purposes “like a man.”
I would even go so far as to understand if someone called me “sir” if all I didn’t have time for one morning was my make up.
The fact of the matter is that tons of people have called and will continue to call me “sir” or “really a guy” no matter how much effort I put into passing, and that is true for so many of us. If you don’t have that problem, that is wonderful, but I promise you this: You are in the minority by far.
If someone won’t accept me as a woman simply because I say so, when I am in nothing but my own skin, they will not accept me as a woman when I am dolled up either. Some may claim that it does make a difference, and that they can accept me if I look right, or could accept me if I were post-op, but they are lying to me, themselves and the world. It is lip service. In order to accept any transwoman, we must accept all transwomen.
It starts with us.
Brave and true.
