Uff da, itâs been a while
Itâs been a while. A lot has changed. Iâm 32 weeks pregnant with our first! Weâre excited and anxious and all the things. One year ago I landed a job at a new parish. I was so excited. Itâs been a challenge, and there turned out to be more problems buried beneath the surface than I expected. Itâs one thing if a team has one or two issues, but when they have four or five major problems and no real way to actually solve them, well... Then, on Ash Wednesday, out of nowhere I got a negative performance review, and the Fr Boss implied my job was on the line, and I may or may not have literally lost my mind and yelled at him and cried at him (I did apologize, but maintained my ground). Partly because we found out Kevinâs job wasnât super secure that morning. Partly because it came out of nowhere. Partly because, what the fuck, man. Turned out Kevinâs job was secure, and later that day I had an actual performance review. Well, sort of. The long and short of it is that this Fr. Boss and me arenât on the same page when it comes to communication, expectations, priorities, and things like company-archdiocesan HR policies and labor laws. I shouldnât go into details. Basically, I had a different understanding of what the expectations were when I took the job than what I understand are his expectations now. When I told them I was pregnant, I was assured that theyâd be happy to work with me, flex my schedule, let me bring the kiddo to work, etc. After the meeting, Iâm far less certain that this will ever be the case. The objective reality is that I have to figure out if the time they want from me and the kinds of things they want from me are something I can deliver. Or, deliver without sacrificing the welfare of my family. Iâve been thinking about the women in ministry that I really look up to among my local colleagues, and realizing that they were all a) not in charge of everything b) allowed a very flexible schedule, like having evening office hours and c) worked part time. The kicker? Fr. Boss has one more year until he retires and we get someone new. Iâd only have to stick it out for a year, and things may drastically improve. But itâd be the first year of my kidâs life outside the womb. Iâm not making any decisions yet, not until the kid is born, but I may be leaving ministry for a while. Iâd probably have to still work part time with some kind of income, because on Kevinâs salary we make just too much to qualify for any programs but not enough to not go full Dave Ramsey. Stuff like âbeing able to titheâ and âKatelyn gets to keep seeing her counselorâ and âeat something other than rice and beans.â There is nothing wrong with being poor. We could do it. But our mental health would probably be better if we supplemented his income, just a little. So, itâs complicated. I have lots of half-formed thoughts about ministry and family life and vocation and everything. I think about how when all the shit hit the fan, I sat there in prayer wondering what the heck Christ had in store for me this Lent. I had no idea that this would become the Great Lent of 2020, the Coronatide, and how things would change so much. I do know that the thing that kept coming back to my heart was, âDo you trust me?âÂ
Thatâs the real question, isnât it?
