Hagging Out November 2022 (Veneration)
First off thanks to the lovely @graveyarddirt for hosting these, this one's a giant ( and I do mean giant) of a mess my dear,
So, I had some plans on talking about my veneration of Hekate, I planned on getting it all typed out and scheduled to post on the first posting day,
But well shits rougher then the usual shit right now and I didn't get it done,
Then as I started writing in my head as I'm want to do, I had the realization that to write about my work with and veneration of Hekate I'd need to talk about my relationship with religion, I would actually need to start much earlier if I want to do the thing right,
Now I tired to write only about the religious side of my upbringing, but i jump tracks alot when talking and these sorts of things bleed into each other, so this is a long and winding tale, it think I elaborated to much in some places and to little in others, so if you want to skip this one I understand,
As I've aged and heard others stories, I've come to the conclusion that my religious upbringing is odd,
Starting with my mother, she was born in the fifties and raised by her aunt, her father's sister, because her parents were so abusive and nearly killed her, alot, her neighbor who fed her a lot, kept her alive had enough and called her aunt to take her, cause she was calling child services,
So given they barely fed her they sure as shit did not baptize her, and when her aunt got her, she did something pretty unusual, she decided not to have ma baptized as she thought ma should decide whether she wanted that or not when she was older,
Mas religious upbringing was, everyone who loved her taking her to their church, so her knowledge on religion is real fucking spotty, though she was pulled back in forth between Christian churches and Catholic ones primarily,
Jump forward to her having kids, we were all spread out myself coming third and last at the late age of 39 (this was in 92, she was treated like shit for it) she wanted to be baptized she wanted her girls baptized, the churches she tired refused her unless she took classes, she had neither the time or money to do this, so we went unbaptized,
I'm not sure if I knew this when I was a kid, I'm not even sure if I knew what that was, I don't think I did actually,
But ma still tired to give us, teach us what she knew, we had a couple childrens bibles, I was taught to pray to God, ma had an old crucifix that I can't remember who but someone has made a beautiful cross and snugged the curcifix into the center, I would pull this down and hold it when my sister told me vampires were out in our neighborhood,
We went to church on Easter every year until I was around 8 I think, though my sisters had stopped going I went with her up til then when we moved and she was going to a Church in the town we'd moved to, Im not sure why I didn't go with her that year I liked going with her, maybe it was the newness of it, I could tell she was sad, though she came back and declared we were never going to church again, only recently did she tell me it was because while she was there they had prodded her story out of her, her life her kids, her struggles especially with me, (no one in our circles in that time had even heard the term autistic, I was to most people just simple)
These people told her it was unfortunate God hadn't taken us both in childbirth.
All told I didn't really have veneration in my life, I treated God I realize now much like I treated my mother, a comforting feature of my life, who I talked to all the time, and trusted, and loved, there was no understanding in me to treat God in a worshipful manner, or as sacred, I had no real concept of it really, respect sure, but even then respect with ma, I've always been on of those wolf cubs chewing on there mas ear, because it was safe to, unlike my father,
Speaking of who, most of my life he mocked my mother's beliefs but never offered any of his own, he never seemed to care, or believe in anything at all,
Until the last few years when he started on Facebook and realized he can add God into his homophobic and racist rants,
I only learned back when we moved here in 2017 that he's presbyterian, he said off hand like it was old news and not the first time he'd ever said shit about it
So all told, it was a weird upbringing add in my childhood addiction to the history channel (pre ancient aliens, thank fuck) and watching Jesus specials on Easter,
I still vaguely remember one where they talked about, Jesus fleeing to France and this tomb they said he was buried, which I might've misunderstood some of, but I came out of that thinking Jesus was crucified survived and fled with his family to France where he lived out the rest of his days and was buried there, so that was a thing,
Anyway my faith started cracking as I got around 12 I didn't understand why God never answered, other people seemed to pray and get their way, just slipped slid through life, not me,
13 my eldest sister died, I prayed every night for protection for my family, my animals, and yet my animals kept dying bad an my sister died at 26, in a car accident we will never know the cause of,
and I gave up on my mother's god, he wasn't listening, he didn't care about me,
The Father in heaven was just as unfeeling towards me as the one that lived in my house,
At this time, I long story getting longer, found Wicca/Witchcraft books, I ALWAYS believed in magic and desperately, desperately wanted to be a witch, but I thought you had to have a witch in your family train you, I had no fucking clue there were fucking books, until this girl on a Winx Club forum was fucking teaching fucking magic and recommending fucking BOOKS
It was a life changer, and life saver Cupcakedoll wherever you are I think you no, you saved my life thank you,
So, now I had the God and the Goddess I scorned God but prayed to the Goddess and was delighted to learn the Greek gods/ess of Xena/Hercules and Hercules the animated series, were included, I'd once prayed to Aphrodite after an episode of Hercules:tas but I didn't know other people did! I thought I was just being wrong and bad again, but here it was,
I was not alone, I was not the only person like me, my father and sister were wrong, I was not a freak,
I didn't know how to research shit, I'm still not great, getting better though, I just read what books I could find and put up aesthetic altars that I got nothing out of til I gave up on that aspect, I didn't have much room for them anyhow,
I mostly called on the Goddess and occasionally treated the rest like ingredients like the books said, though I did pray to Artemis whenever I saw roadkill that the animal would find peace,
I should also say that as I turned from God and unto the Witches road, my mother was turning her back on God as well, losing a child will do that to a person,
I was never in the broom closet with her or my living sister and father, I never announced it to him but never hid it, and with my sister I very much treated it like this is how it is now, I was always afraid of my second eldest sister and father, but in this thing I was defiant,
Ma bought me books and supplies, but she was uneasy about it, worried for my soul, but also unwilling to deny me something I wanted so bad, we did have a small blowout at a bookstore over some gothic vampire tarot cards, and ended up at home having a screaming fight, worst we ever had, and not the last over it either, eventually she came to terms with it all, she's always since I was born put more of her faith in me then anything else, she doesn't call herself a practitioner of anything, but she listens and follows my lead on things, she prays to Hekate as well,
I still did not get veneration back then at the start, and for years to follow and avoided my ancestors as I know almost nothing, and was starting to see the rot in my home life,
Fast forward to about 6 years ago, I'd been trying haphazardly to develop a relationship with Freya who is come across in a book a few years before, even got my hands on a statue, wasn't going great in hindsight, especially given that at the same time I'd read about her Marvel Loki happened, so googling it was hmm,
Anyway, I'm sitting on my ass infront of this haphazard altar space, doing this daily meditation thing from this book that had this 30 fucking minute thing, where it was like doom don't leave off a minute early and do it everyday, for like a month? I'd never been able to manage 10 minutes of meditating I don't know why I decided to fuck myself this hard but, I kept the commitment and I think it was good to prove to myself that I could,
So I'm sitting there going insane, trying to focus, going insane, hoping the timer goes off soon, going insane,
That's when she came to me: Hekate, I'd heard the name, but well she seemed super popular and I'm a contrary shit head so I hadn't been all that interested, but there she was, I can't remember what she said, and I think that might've been the notes Jazz ate as a puppy, but it stuck with me, that she came to me not the other way around, this was a first for me, and I've never seen her that clearly again,
I didn't do much with it, I was finally finding real info on Freya on Norse religion, I wasn't interested in going back towards the Greek end of things,
But when I was trying to get the purchase of this house to go through, it was really looking like my parents weren't going to get it, I did some magic, but still I was scared, we had to move we were running out of time, this had to go through , I panic prayed to Hekate while I was trying to sleep one night,
We got the house, whether that was me Her or both of us I'm unsure,
Still I was still unsure about changing tracks, as much as I derail the tracks in conversations, when I'm on one I have trouble switching,
I not long after moving ended up with two black puppies,
I had a vision one night, puppies curled up to me, of a woman's hand holding a torch, the flames blue,
I was like puh lease blue flames sounds more like Michael,
I've since seen others get blue flames from Her though I'm still unsure the why,
I was reading about the Norse dedicating the care of an animal to the Gods, I think it was Thor in that one, I'm outside letting them pee, they are running me ragged cause they were malnourished in the womb and put, due to the complications of there birth, and I think it messed them up in their heads, it's raining and they are shuffling around my feet, I'm scared they'll die, their not ok, for all they run in play, I pick one up hold them into the sky, into the rain, I call Hekate, I dedicate this puppy to you, I say other things I no longer remember, I pick the other up I do the same, I baptized them in the rain to a Titan, in what I can only call a divinely lead desperate delirium, but we'll they have nearly killed themselves multiple times, Pax took almost 4 years to fully potty train and they aren't nuttier then the incest puppies we had, but well look
Later I read someones blog post where they mentioned Hecate liking Mugwort and that the end of the month is a time to give offerings,
I start going outside and setting up a bowl with Mugwort and burning it as offering,
I read that you should wash your hands before praying to Greek Gods,
I start washing my hands before praying and setting out the Mugwort,
Slowly in skips I learn more and more about Her, and HOW to venerate her,
On the New moon of either January or February of 2020 not knowing what was to follow, I clean as much as I can, I wash and cleanse my body with Khernips, I take a tortilla with food on it like a plate, with the dust and hair from my vacuum, I go to the dirt road connecting to my driveway and place out my first offerings, I pray, I feel, something, loved, listened to, I know I will do this again the next month,
I have to change spots cause the food is untouched and this one lady thinks this is an HOA neighborhood, I change my spot to the backyard corner fence that connects to an alley and another property,
I spend my birthday at the beginning of March sick off my ass from something my ma picked up from some young guy at the place she gets her oil changed at, "poor kid was coughing all over himself, sounded like he was dying, hope I don't come down with it" we spend the month miserable and not sure if we have this new disease after all there's supposedly no cases in our area yet,
I pull my ass up, I'm fine, I'm feeling better, I say, I clean I wash my blankets, I shower cleanse and put out my offerings, I am committed,
I have done so every month since then, I have only bobbled once when my brain flipped dates once but I went out the night after when the moon was still dark,
I stopped having snake nightmares, the ones I'd been having yearly since a year or two after I started practicing magic,
I put up an altar in my room, I pray every morning as watched Jazz and Pax eat breakfast, least the murder each other, and every night as I watch Jazz and Pax eat their dinner least they murder each other,
Last year I asked for a sign from Her,
I keep learning, I keep growing, I put up an Ancestor Altar up around shortly after I first put Hers up,
I give offerings of water, to Her, to the ancestors, and the spirits of the household, every night,
I keep fucking forgetting that there's the November Hekate modern festival, and I missed it a fucking gain, and I only managed to remember Her Sacred Fires modern festival in May once
I stand at her altar and I feel peace, I feel love,
When she answers my prayers I give her a special offering, I thank her,
I stand at the crossroads, over an over, I feel no fear, I give respect and am given it,
Through Hecate I am learning veneration, I've learned how to plant my feet ask for what I need with gift in hand, to stand tall, in this life this path I've chosen for myself, that I've never been capable of walking away from, it's not all ok yet, but it will be,
I stand at the crossroads,