if i look back, i am lost
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@growinglearningliving
No more online dating
I have no idea how I will meet men to go on dates with (how do people do that???) without online dating but I am officially done with it.
All of the profiles have been deleted. There is just no way the guy I’m looking for is on any of these.
Ghosting - ohh that's what it feels like...
Wish I could have continued to live in ignorance on this one. As someone who has had very little experience dating, I'd heard about this phenomena before but never understood just how it feels. Now that I have, I can tell you that yes it sucks and also, it really can be just out of the blue. I think a part of me always assumed that the surprised person in the ghosting scenario (or the one left in the dust) was just blind to the signs or the obvious - they just aren't into you and you were too wrapped up in yourself to realize! I've had this happen to me a couple of times. Commonly with those people you strike up casual convos with, exchange texts, then things fade. I consider these ones the "boring" ones or just the ones taking this casual thing to the extreme. They are easily forgotten. The other is more jarring and left me feeling discombobulated. These are people you've met, had a good to great time with on a semi-regular basis and then they disappear. Yes disappear. Out of the plain blue sky. When this happened to me, we'd made plans to meet in a couple days - then nothing. No communication. Zip. Zilch. Zero. One day would pass - oh they must be busy. 2...hmmm, that's weird. 3...WTF MAN?! You get the idea. And no way in hell am I going to text them in this scenario. I have self-respect damn it! And so it ends. Off into the abyss, like we never ever crossed paths. It's difficult to explain just the sheer confusion that comes from this scenario. I just keep repeating to myself that simple, stupid and true - they "just aren't that into me" and someone else out there will. Still sucks though.
Erased the dating apps
Going to take a month break from all the dating apps for at least a month. Since deleting them, I have caught myself going to open them in auto-pilot mode. And I've also found myself dejected that this will mean I definitely won't meet a guy without this. Because how the hell do people meet?? Anyway, proof that the break is much needed. I need my sanity back.
Who Pays?
In short, I expect my date to pay for the first date. It's funny though because in thinking about it, I fully understand the principle of going dutch. Yes, it does seem more even. But at an emotional level, it just doesn't sit right. Call it cultural bias but in my case, going dutch doesn't feel like a date. It feels like going out with friends. But either way is fine! If splitting the check makes you feel more comfortable, do it! If having the other pay feels more right, expect it! If you want to pay, go for it! What I don't appreciate is people judging me because of my expectation that my date pay for the first date. Like I'm immediately a gold digger or a user. We expect different things. Nothing wrong with that. Either one side compromises or we go our separate ways. No harm. Nothing against anyone. Be adults. Communicate. Why is this so hard?
I know I will make it to Friday but I wish it were now
Case studies, recordings, critiques and presentations. Why did I agree to take this class?
Frustrated!
The last couple of days have made me feel insecure and question my actions and I am extremely frustrated that I have let it effect me.
Case and point - a date 2 guy commented that I “think really highly” of myself. This really hit me hard for some reason. Was he saying I was arrogant? Or confident? It sure didn’t feel like a compliment given the phrasing.
The I was frustrated. Why can’t I be confident and proud of what I have accomplished? I happen to think I’m really awesome. Why is this a bad thing that men feel the need to break down?
Case and point 2 - in talking with a coworker he cut me off when I was making a comment and said “no, I’m talking now.” Excuse me? So.....I talk too much? I should hold back my opinion on things? What?
So this has made me question my actions and feel insecure. As if there is something wrong with me that I need to fix. I felt (and still kind of feel) terrible. It’s not a solid feeling that I can wrap my hands around. It’s a general unease and instability that I feel on the edge of just screaming.
How do I find my solid ground again? The solid ground that allows me to say FUCK ALL OF YOU - if you don’t like my personality then we don’t have to be friends. You do not need to spend time with me!!!
I’m hoping this post helps, I needed to get something out.
I’m looking at my phone - wishing that someone would text me. A sign of proof that people do actually like me. I’m not a complete ogre. But it’s never that easy is it? I need to find away to hold strong to my confidence and assurance - protect it from people that want to break it down. Tear it away. It’s really hard and I don’t feel strong enough right now.
Right now I want someone to show they are thinking about me and appreciate me - flaws and all. Not try to poke and tear at the soft spots....
my reaction to people on Tinder
I said I'd keep my head and feet on the ground right? Okay, I needed the reminder
Going on dates does weird things to my brain. Where I want them to want me even if I'm not that interested in them.
Life update
Took a break from tinder for a week after feeling the negativity was taking over. Went on vacation to a warm tropical place where I "ended" (there wasn't anything to end really) my texting relationship with one guy on Tinder because he was leaving for a year. Felt incredibly whole and complete and happy while on vacation. I needed the reminder that while a boyfriend may make me feel happy and we'd have fun, I don't NEED a boyfriend to feel happy and have fun. The jerk that doesn't text back or the one that flakes and disappears are not worth a second thought. The creepy messages on tinder and matches that go nowhere are not worth feeling upset over. And the asshole arrogant men that frequent the bars and clubs I go to, do not have anything to do with me. We just happened to be in the same place and the same time. So upon my return from this awesome vacation, I've returned to tinder. With a more healthy (and realistic) attitude that I want to maintain. I just need to keep my feet and head firmly on the ground.
Small thing I appreciated lately
The calm of being the only car along long stretches of road
This is me today… Uhg life…
Someone come bring me some coffee. #aboutlastnight #hungover #needtostopdrinking
Cannot wait for the weekend
This weekend is like the kickoff to so many great things I have planned over the next few months. The only thing I hate is the feeling like I am missing a piece. Yes, the single bit. I have such a fulfilling life overall and I don't think it's a bad thing for me to want it to include a boyfriend. It doesn't stop be from doing other things and it doesn't mean I am desperate to grab any guy that comes along. I just freely admit that despite having great friends, family and an active social calendar, I feel pretty lonely not having someone to playfully text with or go on dates with. I haven't given up, I also refuse to prescribe to the idea that if I stop looking love will find me. That's way too passive and nothing worth having ever comes easy. So here I go - trying to balance life and continue to be optimistic even as things have fallen through or ended in disappointment. Just trying to find one that I'll click with.
what makes the signs happy
aries: people listening to them and doing what they say
taurus: not doing anything the entire day except sleep and eat
gemini: being able to talk hours on end about what they like
cancer: feeling like someone's first option
leo: everyone praising them on something they're proud of
virgo: feeling needed and competent
libra: having everyone like them
scorpio: finding someone that understands them and doesn't think they're insane
sagittarius: feeling like they're better than everyone
capricorn: being successful/having their hard work pay off
aquarius: being able to show off their intellect
pisces: making someone else happy
Dating is making feel more alone
That was not something that I expected. I feel even more needy now than I did before because I just so desperately want to meet a normal guy that isn't just traveling through and doesn't flake out at the last minute. I think it's time for a small step back and recoup session.
