C'mon, you rude-ass cold bathroom! YOU'RE RUDE!!
Mom

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@grumpygrandmaquotes
C'mon, you rude-ass cold bathroom! YOU'RE RUDE!!
Mom
I gotta take a HORRENDOUS shit! But I'm AFRAID!!
Mom
Colly-TONK it! Colly-cock FUCK it! End the project! END THE PROJECT RIGHT NOW! I'M GETTING TIRED OF IT!!
Mom, after failing to fix her couch with shoe polish...
Herpes-mouth BITCH! NO! SHE HAD A HERPES-MOUTH!!
Mom, at the FedEx lady for wildly ringing our doorbell.
I don't think we're gonna be able to do that, as much as I'd like to...
Mom, after I suggested that we starve rather than spend money on food.
Name: Tony. Workplace: My Toilet. Position: Shitter.
Me, on a dating site.
I keep finding roach guts under my carpet! I think the cat puts roaches under my carpet and then kills them with his FAT!!
Mom
Y'know, chuck roast? Wait. I don't like the word 'chuck' today. I'm gonna use the word 'fuck'! So, y'know fuck-roast? Fuck-roast is a tender cut of meat!
Mom
No, he's a PUKE! THAT GEORGE PUKE DIDN'T FIX MY PIZZA RIGHT!!
Mom, after dude forgot her extra cheese.
OH to the FUCK no!!
Mom, after I asked if she voted.
I'm a PATHETIC BITCH! SHIT, I put MYSELF down! I'm an OLD, PATHETIC BITCH!!
Mom. Why, I don't even...
Me: "Some 'long food', huh?"
Mom: "YEAH! That food didn't last us long for SHIT!"
Me: "And NOW we're OUT!"
Mom: "...it was good, though."
Me: "Yeah! It was a little TOO good. NOW we're FUCKED!!"
Every time I open the fridge, an angel loses its wings.
Me, about our empty refrigerator
I bit my fuckin' LIPS, you ASSHOLE!!
Mom
We're so fucked up, any actors who try to play us in our movie's gonna RUIN THEIR CAREERS!
Me, about my family
Me: "Go make me some pie!"
Mom: HEH. That'll be a COLD DAY IN HELL! Gotta be in a REAL GOOD MOOD to make a bitch some pie... Or DO I? "
Me: "..."
Yeah! That shit sounds like a TOWN!!
Mom about "North West Kardashian"