how much information do you think shiba retained from what ariu was telling him to relay as a messenger? did shiba lie there, utterly defeated, unable to do anything but listen? or did he not hear a thing, only thinking about killing maiming burning the person sitting above him. did he try to focus the rest of his energy into moving again, every cell in his body crying out to fight? or did the futility of it all crush him, his body slowly growing cold and numb with every minute his blood trickled into the ground, dissociation washing over him.
later, when shiba gave his testimony, did he just recall the fights, leaving out the demands of the mikaboshi because it didn't matter, fuck them all, this meant war! or did he remember every single word spoken to him, calmly, dispassionately, with an even voice, like this outcome had always been inevitable. did the words reverberate in his head, buzzing in his ears, churning in his stomach, seared into his memory?
do the words still echo inside shiba, twenty years later, every time a plan goes awry, urging to retreat and regroup, while chihiro charges on. every time chihiro chooses to keep fighting, to stake his life, does a shiver run down shiba's spine? every time he screams that they need to get out now, does he flash back to lying in the dirt, crumpled, broken, humiliated. when he asks chihiro why he won't remove the scar, does he think of when he got his around the throat removed? when chihiro talks of never forgetting hatred, does shiba think that he doesn't need a visible reminder, that every time he swallows, he feels the phantom pain linger. does he not stop chihiro from his revenge mission because shiba understands overwhelming, engulfing, swallowing emotions of grief and rage and helplessness like only survivors understand? when you have been left alive not by luck or mercy, but by scorn and derision. when you have to lie there, wounded, traumatized, surrounded by death.
when shiba looks at chihiro, does he see himself?
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