What it’s like to lose someone to suicide,
When they made it to the other side.
We used to walk it together and I never thought I would walk it without you.
You always told me you were good, you lied so much and I always wondered what was underneath but you would never tell me even when I inquired.
We had such a fun weekend, you told me you were getting better and that everything was finally ok.
I left your house and not even 24 hours later I got the call that you were found in a park, hypothermia, cuts, intoxication.
You were still breathing.
I rushed to you, to be with you.
You hadn’t even woken up yet.
You told me how beautiful it was to be so close to death and I told you that was the devils work in disguise.
I told you that I didn’t know when I would be able to trust you again, maybe I said it too soon.
But how could you try to take yourself from my life, how was I, or the hundreds of people who love you not enough reason to make you want to stay?
You wished you didn’t make it.
You went to outpatient, we talked, you moved to your aunts, we talked, you moved back home, with a terrible boy who helped you get to that awful place, we talked.. a little, very shallow talks we had.
You moved to Sacramento with him, we don’t talk anymore.
I lost you, I lost you the moment I wasn’t supposed to lose you.
The moment you came back, the moment you started using your second chance to pursue more influences and highs and when you still chose to ignore the real life in front of you. The beauties and the hardships, the real relationships, the fights and hugs and laughter.
You are hurt. There is nothing more I can do to help you heal, I thought there was, and if there is I have no idea. But it hurts me to keep trying, it hurts me so much and that’s why I don’t anymore, because you aren’t choosing to get better.
And if you don’t choose to get better,
No matter how much we all try to help you.
That’s why we’ve all let go,