Hanya Gurauan

All feelings and opinions I hide

[hanyagurauan]

Dear you,

I've never been told that I'm beautiful. It's a weird word that doesn't exist in my dictionary. I've never thought of wanting to be beautiful. At least, that's what it used to be.

I've never taught on how to express love. But I know it exists and it showers me everyday. It keeps showering me until today but no one ever say to me that someone loves me. But I know when someone loves me. I am familiar with the feeling, but not the word.

And when you showed me you loved me, you said you loved me. All I can say is hurt words, "f*ck off". I know it left a very hurt feeling. I know you can't demand your own feeling to love and stop loving.

All this time, all I do is loving a stranger. I've never been loved by a stranger. Especially in those hard times when I even couldn't love myself. "I am not worth to be loved", that's what I said to myself on those times.

And when you showed me you loved me, you said you loved me. My feeling, my mind, it all went crazy, I was shocked. It was so complex. I never meant those hurtful words, you know.

"Thank you for loving me. I can't even love myself. I am the ugliest, dumbest girl in the world, yet you love me. It means a lot. It means I still can be loved even when I am ugly and dumb, moreover by a humorous, fun, clever guy like you. The feelings, the loves, worries you have for me, all of those mean a lot to me." Those are words I wanted to tell you. But you know, those are hard words to tell. And so I write.

You know f*ck off is really easy to say for me AHAHA. But I really don't mean it, especially for a guy like you. You never do wrong to me. Loving me isn't a sin.

I know you've moved on and that's good. Hope you will always be a happy guy like it's always been. Your loved will always be in my memory. The sweet feeling, I can't help but I always remember the feeling every time I see you. And I am always be grateful for it. But you know it yourself, it will always be just a memory and it's the farthest it can be.

I am so sorry

And thank you

For everything

[hanyagurauan]

How It All Started

I was in the same position as I was 3 years ago and because of that I realized what had happened and how it continue to affect my life.

3 years ago, all of this shit started because of a phone call. I was about to eat in my dorm’s canteen. Phone was a sacred thing in my dorm, I wasn’t supposed to bring it outside my room but I did. I brought it to watch a basketball game and to the canteen where I wanted to eat with my friends after the game. I couldn’t remember why the heck I brought my phone. I think, I was thinking “Just in case”

Back to the canteen, it was silent. There wasn’t much people there for we were early for dinner. But still, there were people I knew and I didn’t knew. And suddenly my phone rang. It was so loud for me, and I was so embarrassed. It was much more embarrassing than the sound of dropping glass or spoon and so I rejected the call. But then the call kept coming, it was my dad. Filled with embarrassment  and anger I went out the canteen. I decided to pass the dinner.

I picked up the call as I walked back to my room. My brain filled with thoughts “This is so embarrassing, why would he call me at that time? Is there something super duper emergency happening? Is mom okay? Is there something with my brother?”

When I finally answered, he was filled with anger talking “WHY DID YOU HANG UP THE PHONE!? WHY DID YOU DO THAT!?”

I was intimidated, “I was about to have dinner. I was lining up and it was about time for me to ...”

“YOUR BROTHER WANT TO ASK YOU SOMETHING!!”

And when he handed his phone to my brother, here’s what my brother said, “You know, you had those notes of words with the synonym and antonym, right? I’m preparing for high school entrance exam. Can I borrow your notes? Where is it?”

And I was like, “SO YOU WERE CALLING FOR THAT!?”

“Yes”

“YOU WERE CALLING FOR THAT? I THOUGHT SOMETHING HAPPENED!!”

I didn’t know what my dad was saying but I remember he was pushing me to answer and I said, “I don’t know” I couldn’t rise my voice, I was intimidated. I was powerless, and couldn’t think straight. I filled with embarrassment and anger and any other feelings that I don’t know. I was disappointed. It was my dinner time, I’ve done it for more than a year, I thought he knew my schedule and wouldn’t call me. But then I remember that he would call me whenever he wanted to and would always be angry for not picked up. 

That day, I decided not to have dinner. I cried all night in my bed that my friends allowed me not to go to the mosque. I punched my self in thigh that it turned blue and I was oddly proud of that blueish thing on my thigh.

That day I realized that my brother is the only person in our family to be proud of and all of his needs are priority and I have to put aside all of my ego in all form. I also realized that I’m meaningless. That I live not for myself but for my brother. I am here to help him, always.

Starting from that day I hate to eat, I hate phone notification, and I hate myself.

And today it happened again, I had to leave my breakfast because my brother needed. It was automated in my brain, I didn’t reject. I jumped of the chair and did whatever he needed me to do. I didn’t have breakfast. I haven’t eaten anything. And I’m proud of that (the feeling of hunger, the pain, it is beautiful that I love it). 

[hanyagurauan]

I don’t have any motivation to finish all of my homeworks. Why the hell should I do all of them? My grades? Oh f*ck em all!! Don’t care! I just need to find peace inside me, that’s it!

[hanyagurauan]

Plagiarisme

Karena inhall plagiarisme ini, aku memandang diriku sendiri sebagai orang yang hina. Mengaku sebagai penulis amatir tapi untuk menulis laporan praktikum saja masih mencomot hasil orang lain. Aku bahkan berpikiri, kenapa teman-temanku tetap berteman dengan orang hina sepertiku ini. Mereka pun tahu aku menemukan kepuasan sendiri dalam menghukum dan menyiksa diriku sendiri karena hal ini, tapi kok ya mereka tetap menemaniku setiap hari, bahkan tak jarang, tertawa denganku. Aku ini manusia rendahan, lho.

Apa makan sehari sekali bahkan terkadang tak makan sama sekali dan mengurangi jam tidur saja hukuman dariku untukku? Oh, tentu tidak. Aku juga belajar mengerjakan tugasku sendiri. Aku benar-benar niat mengerjakan laporan praktikum, essay hazard yang terkadang tak berpengaruh apapun pada nilai praktikum, dan pr dari dosen. Aku dulunya tidak begitu mengerjakan pr. Aku selalu menunggu teman selesai mengerjakan, lalu melihat hasilnya, baru kutuliskan di kertas. HAHA. Aku tidak sadar bakat plagiarisme ini sudah ada sejak kapan.

Aku ini orang yang mampu plagiat dan pernah melakukannya, yakin masih mau menghargaiku dan hasil karyaku?

Iya, aku belajar dari pengalaman ini, tapi biasanya sekali sudah tak percaya, orang tak akan percaya lagi. Aku belajar berproses untuk diriku, ditengah jalan nanti pun bisa saja aku khilaf lagi, apa kalian masih percaya padaku?

Aku saja tidak. HAHA

[hanyagurauan]

Enough

I just watched a video, and there was a story in it.

A is in the party of billionaires with B, the author of one of the great book in all over the country. They are talking about a very successful billionaire, C. 

A makes fun of B, “How does it feel to know that this guy probably made money more this week than your book will make in your lifetime”

and B said, “Yeah, but I have something this guy doesn’t have”

“What is that?”

“I know what enough is”

That story startled me.

Some people, including me, never know what is enough for them. We never really describe what enough is. Therefore, we never feel enough. We never feel good eneough, rich enough, smart enough, and other enoughs. 

Some people are never satisfied with what they do. This, I guess, makes people confused about their ability and their strength because they feel not good enough. And they can not stop doing what they have done, they can not stop practising and at some point they feel like they do not deserve a break time because they think that they are not good enough.

Feeling not good enough is somehow bad. You never really know your limit so that you are doing it until you realize that you have passed your limit and you are exhausted but you still thinking that you are not good enough so you do not stop and keep doing it. You are hurting yourself.

Stop it! Stop feeling not good enough or not ‘whatever’ enough.

Describe your ‘enough’. Do not compare it to others’. Because your enough, my enough, his enough, and their enough are different.

[hanyagurauan]

6 am vs 7 am

Time flies so fast. From 6 am then to 7 am.

I do not really like 7 am. It is too loud for me. I did spend all my morning with noises of big city like Jakrta, but I didn’t expect that Yogyakarta will be very loud, though it is not as loud as Jakarta. I didn’t know that this city is also hustling like the big apple of Indonesia.

I prefer 6 am. It is neither very loud nor very quiet and I still can enjoy the beauty of this city, the dynamic life of its people, the road that I take, the sky and the clouds that I see along the way to my university. Some people start to open their shops, some people come to restaurant for breakfast, some even just drink milk or coffee as they walk in a hurry.

6 am is the best time to start a day, to start musing and smiling as I walk to the class. That’s why if I just get out at 7 am I say I am late.

[hanyagurauan]

Hanya Contoh

Dari: Aku

Untuk: Kamu yang di departemen sebelah

Padahal kita ketemu cuma seminggu, tapi aku baru meratiin kamu setelah seminggu itu. Jujur, kamu itu baik. Banget malah. Salah aku, sih, selama ini aku kepincut sama orang yang baik ke semua orang.

Kalimat diatas adalah contoh template untuk kalian yang mau curhat ke curhatanugm di instagram. Huaelah, maba 19 banyak banget sih yang naksir sama temen segugusnya, bingung dah gua (padahal yang ngedumel juga begitu)

[hanyagurauan]

What I Like From Being On A Ride With My Dad

I cannot ride a motorbike and never want to learn how to. I have been suggested to learn but I always refuse it. So I always order Go-Jek or Grab (kind of motorbike Uber in Indonesia) or picked up by my dad. Fortunately, my dad’s work schedule is not really strict. So, whenever he is off he will take me to school or extra course or even my friends’ house.

Being on a ride with my dad is one of my favorite routines because there will always be a story. On the way, my dad will tell every story he has. It can be his past, it can be his work, it can be his plans for his family. Being on a ride with him is also my time to tell him about my day, my study progress, even about my friends. It is my private quality time with him. That is why whenever I am home he will always take me on a ride even only to buy milk at the nearest mini market.

Whenever I am on a ride with him, there will always be a long discussion about everything. About traffic jam, the cause of it, the solution for it, about education he used to get, about education I and my brother get, about how someone should be in a society. Whenever I am on a ride with him, there will always be a long laugh that I never know when will it stop. Even old jokes, not-really-funny jokes can make me laugh out loud. 

Ah, for me, being on a ride with my dad after school is the best entertainment. Unfortunately, I realize it when it is no longer a routine for me.

Oh, I can’t wait for December!

[hanyagurauan]

An Inspiring Woman

Meghan Markle is my favorite princess. She is very inspiring. She can speaks up and stands up for herself since she was in a young age, something I wish I could do and that is also what makes me jealous with her. She sees person as person, not a rank, not a class, not a title. She does not catagorize people based on gender or religion or origin or whatever you name it. I bet she has faced a lot of troubles in her life, yet she made it through. That must be something makes her as Meghan we see today. She is a strong, clever woman. And I find she is a very genuine person.

I really want to improve my English, then meet her, and then have a conversation with her about her opinions, her ideas, her perspective, her experiences. Oh I know it will be fun! I just love her the way she is.

[hanyagurauan]

Documenting My Life

I was watching Matt D’Avella’s Youtube video titled 6 things he wish he knew when he was 20. One of them is documenting his life more. Like taking photos, making videos of things he always did, things that bore him. Because at some point of our life we will want to look back. We will want to reflect to our past, to see how far we’ve gone, how much we’ve grown.

And those words hit me. It encouraged me to write things I always do, I always see, I always hear. It encouraged me to take photos of streets I always walk on, buildings I always passed by, because one day they will become memories I want to look back.

The thing is I want to have something to look back when I’m old. I want to share stories from my old writings and photos to my grandchildren. Those ordinary things can be my special legacies for them.

Also, those boring things can be a way for me to improve my writing skill or photography skill. So, please comment if you point out that I use wrong words or if there is wrong grammars. It will help a lot.