
if i look back, i am lost

Kiana Khansmith
Aqua Utopia|海の底で記憶を紡ぐ

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@hapia-blog
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Completely consumed by my own vanity
I can't sleep
I'm kinda unsure about how I should eat today. I have my early b'daii thing and we're going to k-town~ God I want Bulgogi!!! Oh and we're going to the theaters~ Is it wrong for me to be scared about my KCal intake? It always keeps me up at night. Perhaps I shouldn't care what I eat today...Cake, bbq beef, soda...but then...it seems so fucking disgusting to put that in my body. My body is precious to me more these days than it ever was before~ What should I do?
I always thought I was beautiful. However, being fat isn't beautiful. I want to change. Until I get hipbones, defined collarbones & cheekbones, I won't stop.
I don't really want to have an ED, I want to lose the healthy way. On the other hand, is it wrong to strave for just a few days at a time? Only drinking water & green tea? Perhaps ill have some veggies & fruits.
ED
Just to clearly state it...I don't have an eating disorder I know exactly what I am doing and I am in full control. If I choose to fast some days, then that's what I'm going to do. Don't force me to eat all the time. If I'm hungry, I'll eat. However, knowing me...I won't eat till I really have to~ I like this quote...“Unless you puke, faint, or die, keep going” I guess I want to go by it. How else will I show any progress. Judge me or whatever, words don't really affect me much. Like I tell a lot of people, I'm the master of not giving a fuck ㅋㅋㅋ~
Morning lovely followers~
Did you guys sleep well? I haven't really slept, but i feel so refreshed!~ I just wanted to tell you guys that i've been failing miserably w/ the eating thing :(
Saturday: Fasted till 9PM [went to a friend's house and ate some noodles and cookies :( ad OJ & Yogurt as well >///<"~]
Sunday: Fasted the whole day, only drank water, no green tea
Today: I was really hungry, so I made my self oatmeal and one hard boiled egg~ That's all I'll be eating today~I'm going to my friend's school today, so I'm having nutella on whole wheat for lunch, I won't eat anything after that~ I promise!~ I don't want my friends to think I'm straving myself I guess, and my friend is the one bringing me the lunch =w=
Tmrw-thrus: I'll most likly be fasting
Friday: My early b'daii party, i'll be forced to eat
For the rest of the month: Only water & Green tea for 4 days of the week, eat healthy/nutritious meals for the remaining days [should alternate]
27090) I hate that I can't eat normally. Somedays I'll wake up and be like today, I'm gonna eat like a normal person. Then other days I'm like ugh well I had a bad day yesterday so I'll eat every fucking thing in my house. Then the next day I'll hate myself for what I've done and I won't eat a single thing. I don't understand why I can't just be normal.