Well Lets Try Again

I think I'm going to try the whole reaching out to the world thing again. Maybe share my issues so that someone else can help me. Or I could help them! Idk

[happyzolam]

Despite a lot of help from Lexapro in dealing with my anxiety and depression overall, I relapsed into self harming. But I know why I do it unlike when I first did it a year ago. Things were falling apart after I dropped out and my relationship went bad and I was not making enough money. I felt guilty for feeling so sad and sorry when other people struggle with much more than my really little problems. I cut myself and poke myself to make the pain something I can see. Its not on my arms or calves or somewhere I want other people to see. Its my beautiful and sexy thighs I decided to cut up with a paring knife and stab repeatedly with a sewing needle. I dont have a boyfriend, my casual sex partners dont say anything or notice, and no one knows its happening. But this time I need to find help so I dont have to see my pain. I need help believing it is real and it is okay and I can get through my pain inside.

[happyzolam]

So over a month into Lexapro 10 I feel so much better. It's weird to imagine that a little pill has taken away a lot of stress and sadness out of me. Or maybe it is helping me work through it instead of just staying in bed waiting for the day to end and sleep again. I want to get to know people, I want to challenge myself at work, and I want to enjoy things in life instead of just bare them. I still need Xanax sometimes... I still get panic attacks and suffer from unease before bedtime but I think it is like a fraction of what I was dealing with. I am happy and I dont mind that it requires just a little pill.

[happyzolam]

Two weeks on Lexapro 10: All the side-effects of adjustment are gone I think. Maybe headaches are still from the drug but it has be so awfully hot lately. One side-effect I was warned about has been a problem though... Orgasm has become a bit more difficult which, ok, is good since I was always really quick. But now I cannot have more than one orgasm in a day. After an orgasm, it seems like I need another full 24 hours to be able to again...  I'm hoping next week my mind will be full benefiting from the drug. Less anxiety, depression, less agitation, more agreeable mood. I think I feel better. I had a very bad day today... I'm worried that I will reach a plateau or tolerance or adjust to the point I get no benefit. I'm depending on this to change me. If I don't change I am so afraid of what will happen next.

[happyzolam]

Two threesome in that one night. I have never done something so crazy but I enjoyed it. I liked being the center of attention, twice, for 4 people.

[happyzolam]

Over a week on Lexapro 10: Most of my side effects are gone! Sleeping okay but still struggle a bit, nausea taken care of, hunger is back, not so jittery and strange when my body adjusted. I guess I feel less bogged down and upset during the day. I take it at night so I sorta wake up on the right side now and I dont dread getting ready in the morning. I still deal with getting irritated at rude people and overwhelmed at work when we get severely backed up, but I think this is a normal level of agitation. Suffering from strep throat right now..... lounging around and feeling bad for not going to work. I really hope I bound back.

[tatteredobsidian]

Dysautonomia

Fuuuuuuck!!!!!!

It’s SO bad lately…. What do you do to be able to fucking function when even standing sends your heart racing and you get queasy and dizzy? I fucking hate this and it’s making me feel super panicky because I can’t manage anything the last few days. Can lexapro make dtsautonomia worse? Help?

[happyzolam]

Talk to your doctor about paradoxical effects. But, as your body adjusts it might only be bad in the beginning. You should either start to feel better or start to feel worse. So have someone close to you monitor it! -Luck-

[happyzolam]

Ok Day 3 on the Lexapro and very nauseous. Also, a headache but who knows if thats because of the insomnia or the lack of eating. So, with my loss of appetite and nausea this was a fun day. But otherwise I feel different. Maybe not better. I feel so stupid to say after 3 days I'm improved or really affected by this. It could just be mental and all in my head that I feel better. Though, nausea and insomnia are real.  Tried the Trazodone. Havent felt anything for a half hour now which is not like what so many other people say. Even had a snack with it and full glass of water. Xanax was better at easing my sleeplessness than this, but then again that was a scheduled drug. Contact me with your own advice or if your want to talk about it.

[happyzolam]

Day one on Lexapro 10: I've always been very susceptible to substances of all kinds. Cup of coffee or half a Monster and I'm pretty awake. Cymbalta 20 was enough to really irritate me and coming off of it was 2 weeks of awful. 1/2mg of Xanax makes me so out of it,  I might take a 1/4mg if I have to be functioning. As a cheap date, two drinks and I'm pretty tipsy. Very tipsy depending on the drink. So already, I feel different. Odd and strange. Like a very mild Xanax feeling without the slurred speech and dizziness. Maybe you could describe it as drowsy and nonreactive. I won't be taking the Trazodone tonight... I dunno if that'd just be serotonin overload. And my rx-leaflet said to be careful about NSAIDs... should I have mentioned I take Aleve often? Oh geez idk.

[espvr-deactivated20150114]

zoloft is great and all EXCEPT I CANT FUCKING ORGASM

[happyzolam]

I think it might be all those other drugs you're taking as well. Yep, klonopin and vyvanse wont help the issue either.

[happyzolam]

Oh I'm nervous and scared to start this new regimen. I was prescribed Trazodone for sleep or evening agitation from after work, and generic Lexapro for the morning. At least that's the idea. I'm so worried about side-effects and them interacting maybe I should try one at first and get started on that before adding the other. I don't want to be foggy and dazed all day... So maybe I'll wait until tomorrow night to start this because I have to work tomorrow morning. I just don't know what to expect and I'm worried.

[happyzolam]

Have pity on the poor souls in the pharmacy,

who don't speak the language but need their medicine,

who don't understand their regimen due to mediocre doctors,

who have been lied to or convinced they need their medicine,

who have become to desperate they only find solace in doctors,

who may have no doctor at all but the staff in a pharmacy.

Shame on the devils who abuse the pharmacy,

who abuse their prescriptions or share their medicine,

who have tricked and mislead their doctors,

who have are gullible and don't know the purposes of their medicine,

who abuse and harass, for refills, their doctors,

who arrive all important and demands too much of their pharmacy.

[happyzolam]

With enough charm, wit, and beauty I can win him. With enough tact, devotion. and patience I can keep him. Time and the mind will determine this.

[happyzolam]

I really fucked up. I don't think I could ever offer an explanation good enough to explain why I did it. All of it. I could disclose the kind of doctors I'm seeing, the prescriptions I am on, and the analysis of these doctors but I still did what I did. There is no undoing it. There is no apology that can resolve it. Maybe I am too hard on myself. He's moved on. He probably has it in his mind that he doesnt have to do any apologizing. Why dont I have that resolution? I am attractive and interesting and I am still wallowing. I still live in this. He has friends, coworkers, and family helping him. Am I just behind in my own recovery because I'm nearly on my own? I dont know when I will shake this off. As cold and impersonal as I am towards others, I do feel really deeply about this. I want love but I also no I am not fit for it.

[happyzolam]

When I am lonely and thinking about my most recent ex, I cant help but replay the awful threesome that we had that one night. What bothers me is how I could have possibly let that happen and why he was so happy that it did. His friend was on the sofa because he was too sleepy to drive home. So he invited him into the bed, probably already intending to sleep with him or out of his own boredom initiated things. The friend, single and probably interested in my now ex, was fine by this.  The two of them started after some spooning, and I was invited to join in. When I look back at that, that is absolutely insulting. I could have stopped it. I wanted it to end the moment we were all naked. But after everyone had their orgasms and went back to sleep I was just as guilty. They woke up horny, waking me up too, and again I could have stopped it. I had no attraction to that yeasty, bloated, pale friend of his. But apparently this stranger was sharing an intimate moment with my now ex that they might have wanted for so long. Their tension was finally released. I can't stop thinking about how awful it was to realize that my ex had given up trying to rekindle things as much as I had. I think maybe he was so desperate to feel loved and wanted that the faux pas of having a random threesome was more a blessing than adultery. 

[happyzolam]

Twice today I have had to explain what I am doing with my life to two people I have not met in a very long time. My dentist (ha) and a friend in high school. It was difficult dancing around the fact that I have dropped out, I live with my parents, I have some sort of self-pity depression, I work for a retail pharmacy doing nothing groundbreaking, and I am becoming very socially anxious. It's my day off and I should be studying but all day I have been distracted. Doing everything I can except studying. I should just open up the textbook and work on lessons. Something just makes me dread it. Maybe I need to change my scenery. I made an appointment with a endocrinologist to talk about my fatigue, pain, and depression. Before I see a psychologist and talk my problems through, I want to get an idea of what genetics are doing to me. If nature is against me, it has to be fixed before I can fix my self by nurturing.

[happyzolam]

I am very pretty but maybe that is only due to my youth. I am 21 and I am complimented, every day, on my eyes. They are big and clear, green and innocent looking. Despite knowing I am pretty today and my eyes may always hold that interest in others, I think I only have another decade of beauty until I quickly become undesirable. I do not have any skills or accomplishments like so many I know. I dropped out, was kicked out, and my pride comes solely from good genetics. Something as vain as good genetics is what makes me proud of my self. I struggle to reach my goals and I am happy when I did not need my Xanax for that day. I have very little to be proud in except for my sobriety and prudence. I am so afraid of what might happen if I try doing something about this. I was sketching ideas with my friend but couldn't get past my subjects hair. Or shape of the face. I didn't even reach what might have been a cartoonish mannequin because I would toss the idea. I never improved my sketches or skills in life. I have rested on my laurels because it was easy. I did not need to show people my sketches or talk about something interesting to people because I was interesting to people. I have a decade to change my life to something interesting because my beauty will run out, I will be a shell of a person with nothing conquered, and I fear suicide just gets closer. I have been struggling for so long with the fear that my beauty will just fade off and then I really will be nothing special.

[tuspupilasgustativas]

Kill Bill. A Clockwork Orange. Pulp Fiction. The Godfather. The Shining. Inception. Twilight. The Dark Knight. Star Wars.

Murat Palta realizó estas ilustraciones como trabajo de fin de carrera de su licenciatura en Bellas Artes. Fusiona pinturas de arte medieval durante el Imperio Otomano con escenas cinematográficas.